if I say it enough does it become truth?

Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay.

Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight.

yeah screw that its never gonna work.

he talked to me first

So this has been written over the course of two days. Follow the dates and times.

8/16 11:50pm

the crush!

Hes been talking to me a lot more lately. I made an account on this crazy chat thing and he was the first person to add me, and he added me unprompted so even cooler!!! Its about 2am now weve been talking pretty much non stop on text chat. Hes told me he knows if we got on a video chat we would end up taking for hours and hours. So cute. Ive been helping him fill out an application for work at the gap. its cute to just chat with him like this. He started up at about 11pm. He asked for the French HW to check that he had it all. Ive sorta been hoping there is something missing so I can help him out with it. He gets me all lovey and I cant help but write my feelings down like this. I think I like it though.

8/16 10pm

So I wrote all that early in the morning. We went on until 3:30am. Pretty nice if you ask me. He promised me some video chat time too in the near future.

We talked some tonight. He invited me over! He invited me over!!! I had to say that twice.

I hope he gets that job at the gap so I can lurk. I dont even shop there but I can sure lurk like a pro there. They sell a grapefruit perfume my mom likes. She might be getting a lot of grapefruit perfume from me.

Ive gotta get back to talking to him.

8/17 1am

So some time has passed

its hard to blog and chat at the same time.

Hes amazing.

well whats the update I mentioned in my last post?

It is about this crush of mine and how he continues to provide me with months of confusion.

I have been making progress as far as moving him into the friend group thats for sure. At the same time ive been learning a lot about him. At the same time its stuff I already know though like how he can get away with crazy stuff (often at the expense of my emotions).

To put it simply I cant figure out what his sexuality is. Is he interested in me or just being nice? Why is he so damn weird? Hes never had a girlfriend before...hmmm.

Ive been investigating and all it is is raised eyebrow after raised eyebrow. Ive given up in a way and ive been enjoying what ever time we have as what I think is friends now. (Pretty sure)

8/17 3pm

Ive been grumbling over him internally for a while now, I probly shouldn't go this long with out airing some of my thoughts and feelings.

I have had a quite a time trying to figure him out thats for sure. Like I said now that its a bit easier to talk to him and he isn't as distant as he was before I can start to make sense of him, and not panic over every small confusing bomb he drops.

He happens to be going to the same place I will be going this coming week (another trip) same hotel and everything. A whole bunch of people we know are going too so some hang out time has been planned. He said expect a bunch of phone calls while we are out there. Pool time anyone? Woot to that.

Ive discovered hes a heck of a lot smarter and more mature than I thought and I already thought he was pretty smart and mature to start. Its definitely something im attracted to because (not to toot my own horn) Im a little more grounded mentally and I look for people who are equal because they tend to be the only ones who I can connect with. Hes good at making me loosen up and that tends to be pretty hard to do. It seems like I get more and more relaxed and can enjoy more and more when I talk to him. Thats probably why I liked french so much.

So we planned for tomorrow. We will meet at the mall and then go to his house and play Mario Kart! Woot woot!!

Outside of this little dream boat of a crush ive got...

Hockey clinic! Training camp! AWESOMENESS!

I will have a nice busy schedule full of hockey.

Let me tell you something...

There is this guy. I dont care for him very much but he was in my scout troop and we hung out sometimes etc. Now hes jumped on the hockey band wagon and hes becoming a bit of a hockey douche. A reason why I enjoy hockey to no end is its lack of ass holes. They exist but for the most part people get competitive but have fun. The ass holes are the ones who aren't really in it for fun they are the ones who roll out on to the ice and pick fights with everyone, show off, basically mess it up for everyone. A reason I dont really care for him is because of his lack of inhibitions and how he got onto this train so quickly and how he expects greatness all of the sudden. He picked up the lingo from a few of his friends who had brought him to stick time a few times, and now he thinks hes Jesus of the rink. He literally pushed me aside the other day at stick time to get onto the ice. He thinks hes better than everybody. He never knew I had been playing hockey for so long. Its one of those things I dont share too much. Literally walking softly and carrying a big stick. He uses the dumbest lingo and idioms non stop; he saw my skates and asked if my dad got a job (Im not gunna put him down for this in public but he got all his gear used at play it again I dont know if hes in a position to be saying that to me) He has literally begun to suck the fun out of the game for me. Im now in dread of going to the rink because I know he will be there. He told me im not as devoted as he is, that I dont have a heart to be playing hockey, that im a loser because im not a fighter, and that I am the band-wagon-er and I dont know anything about hockey...

I swear to god...he is bigger than me, and works out a lot, but I am nearing the point where I am going to start and end a fight with him. I have enough anger toward him that I may just do it unprompted one of these days and knock the living crap out of him and refuse to send my apologies to the bastard, but I WONT because im a good sportsman. He is gunna try out for the school team this year im sure. If he does I might not try out and not even bother because that just wont be fun. Not playing wont be fun either but I would rather stay off the ice than share it with a bully on my own team.

The situation is something I have always feared would happen to me but never has and...here it is.

He stopped math at geometry, stopped science at bio, has credit enough to graduate and thats all. Nothing above what is expected. He is proud of his C's. I hate to shoot him down like this but it just ticks me off that he likes to strut around like hes all high and mighty, and call me the loser when I am the one who is working double what he is sweating my ass off, loosing my brain and sleep over all that crap. On top of all that having internal struggle on internal struggle, social anxiety, constant nervousness, great never feeling good enough for me, and here he comes. Walks right on to the stage I feel I have worked harder than people give me credit for to be on and stay on and kicks me off. I dont want to discount what he might be going though that I dont see but it seems he hasn't got too much weighting him down. Hes one of those people who trys to look good for all the adults and teachers and make them think hes awesome but is just a total duche to everyone else.

To top off that whole shit sunday I now feel guilty and like im the ass hole for reaming him.

Great.

Lets get out of that subject

Ive got Valdres down on my trumpet now. I need to work on forming my sound a bit better though and making it sound a little more clear and refined. Clarity is hard to get but its worth it once you've got it down. Your sound becomes so bright it shines above everything else, and thats whats needed for those first notes to pop and really get the song set up right. We have one horn (me playing that) and the clarinets who sound off the traditional intro. The goal is to have the bright horn and the smooth hum of the clarinets harmonize and blend into a nice sound. I know we will get it down and it will sound awesome. We have great clarinets and a great band in general.

Dear Canadians

There were 3 amazing coronal mass ejections that came out of the sun a few days ago. One of them is going to strike a glancing blow to the van allen belts and is arriving today. You are the lucky ones who get to enjoy the aurora and it looks like this CME is going to bring the oval down south quite a bit. To Calgary they said. Its been acting up lately and showing it self but with this CME many people should be able to enjoy the awesomeness of the aurora. I have never seen it in person but I want to one day. Thats why I want all of you who can to enjoy it. Take pictures if you can and send them my way.

Speaking of pictures In the web sites I like section of my blog I have linked the Astronomy Picture of the Day. Sometimes they are pretty cool so I decided to share.

I ought to stop talking eh?

lol

You'll hear from me soon

Tyler

I just realized that tomorrows little outing with the crush might be classified as a date...im even more excited now, but I cant be in public! I can be excited here but not out there. Back to my single emotion... ... ...there we go thats better. (not really im still jittery but its convincing enough)

out for the week

Quickie

So im gunna be out for the next week. I have some interesting news but that will need to wait. I hate to leave everyone in suspense but thats the way it is. Just letting you all know im still alive, but out of town.

talk when I get back

Tyler

Prop 8 = GONE!

YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!!!

WOOOOOT

So its gone! Prop 8 the evil law that banned gay marriage in California is gone. A judge who knew better, better being that its best to kill the thing now because its not gunna last much longer anyway, struck it down and people celebrated. Me? I just heard about it. Ive been out all day with a friend of mine and just heard about it on the news. I cant be all excited though because my parents might worry. Of course in reality im pretty damn happy! Im happy for the gay community as a whole. I dont see this necessarily befitting me directly as a Californian though. The reason being is I dont think I want to stick around in California for much longer. I do however see this benefiting me and other gay people across the nation indirectly by kinda opening up the idea to other states. California is one of those high profile states, what we do often comes on to everyones radar and perhaps we will see other states legalizing gay marriage very soon. As of right now im pretty happy to be a Californian.

In other news

[Valid news here]

Idk. Summers being good to me. Ive been flying flying flying quite a bit. Bowling a bunch even.

Just enjoying in general.

The crush and I finished the french home work a few days back. That was a cute day I must say.

I haven't got much more to say about it other n that. It was just nice to spend time with him and chat a bit. He is quite a dream boat I must say. Hypnotically cool. I just feel awesome when I talk to him and right. Relaxed especially. I just kinda morph into a more toned down and calm person around him. I love it. I think I love him...maybe too much. Something has appeared on the horizon that looks a bit dark and troubling. Ive already toyed with the idea that he may be just a crazy straight guy and told my self I would be okay with that if he was. I also told my self If I cant be his boyfriend id want to be his best friend, but thats even looking murky for various reasons. idk...Im trying to stay positive about this.

More later

Tyler

not too serious

I intend to change my blog tone up a bit. I want to feel a bit less silly if you know what I mean. I want to be a bit more serious but not too serious as far as subjects. I want to train my self a bit better in blog delivery. I can speak so well but my blog seems to lack the fluidity and clarity that my spoken word has and I would like to try to bring that into here. I also want to talk more about a wider variety of things. I would like some input so if there is anything you want to hear from me let me know. This will give my blog a back bone and should make my posts less messy and help me clear my thoughts a bit more. Seeing that hockey is not happening until later that side of the house wont be heard from for a while but there are still other sports I like to bicker over and intend to do just that. So I will keep you updated. Just like my life this blog is a work in progress. It will grow as I do and change as I do. So give me some input and I will see you all around.

Tyler

Gay is an ugly word(?)/Tyler learns something/ADHD?

[|{CAUTION}|]

Yeah I said it. I hate the word to no end. Gay...I hate seeing it written, I hate seeing it on my title, I hate labeling my self as it, and I hate saying it. I thought that my whole hate of the word would be cured by this blog but I think it has gotten worse. I know its my own personal problem but thats what this blog is for discussing. I dont hate gay people...I may be a self loathing gay at times but I dont hate the people attached to it I just hate the word. This afternoon I went though all the other names to think of another word I could call my self, and other gay people just so I could deviate from the word gay. In doing this I discovered that there are no good names. Lets list:

Gay

Homosexual (eh)

homo

faggot

fag

queer

queen

fruit

There are more but Id rather not. I dont like any of them. There are people who are gay and call them selfs these but im not one of those people. It might be the negative connotation the names have in my mind or whatever but I just dont like them.

I cant even picture my self saying "yes I am gay" to anyone. Like when my crush asked (JOKINGLY) if I was gay I couldn't even answer that with a direct yes. I almost try to dissociate with the word and that might be kinda bad.

I cant imagine telling my Mom and Dad "i'm gay" I may need to be more like "I like guys"

From the Mind of a 16 Year Old Hockey Player...Who Likes Guys(?)

People will probably hate me for this but people will always hate me for something.

Understand I dont hate anyone I hate labels...

REALIZATION!

I dont necessarily hate identifying with other gay people I hate being labeled as gay and taking on the whole negative connotation of that label.

Hurray for learning while blogging!

do I need to give the "thats so gay" and why not to say it tirade?

I dont think so. Im sure you all could go on your own rant just as easy as I could.

{Is there anything more to say on this subject?}

I dont think so. I feel like I have a lot to say about a lot of things still but ive been having a hard time expressing my self as of late. Its kinda weird and out of character. The idiots who like calling me a fake sure are capitalizing on it.

I like baseball...im gunna go see if there is some on tv.

More collected thoughts later (I swear!)

Tyler

confusion

Everybody seems confused about the whole crush situation. I guess that makes sense. I was not too clear on the whole subject only because its not the easiest thing for me to describe or convey in words.

He is a pretty weird person and pretty smart. Ive tried to explain that he can get away with saying things others can't etc. At the same time one can get away with saying things to him

[EXAMPLE]

He says "Tyler...are you gay?" He is not serious...how do I know this? I just do you can hear seriousness in his voice and this was not a serious statement. He gets away with crap like this.

But I decide to stay serious and say "I dunno why but of all people for me to tell first I decided it had to be you"

I can get away with this because im talking to him and he jokingly asked if I was gay. I can still fall back and say Im kidding if I want to (and I eventually do) and no questions will be asked.

so after he asks if im serious (most people take everything I say to be truth because I speak with conviction so I get this asked of me regularly)

I say "nah im just kidding" and its all over. No questions, nothing. We then went on to talk about random things.

Idk if this helped clear up some crap for people who may have been scratching their heads earlier.

Understand that we are pretty much back at peg one and made no progress in this conversation toward me coming out to him. Also understand that though I may have said or hinted things to him before that none of that matters and that none of that was taken seriously. All that was; was my brain on a high because I had told him something regardless of how he took it, and it was more or less a personal confirmation than a mutual confirmation. He is with the rest of the world still and does not think im gay.

Hopefully this clears a few things up.

I just have a hard time conveying all this info to the blog world. I want to but its not easy.

Also to the ass hole who is reading this and thinks they know everything thats going on in my life and thinks they have found something that looks like a deviation in the line of continuity...you haven't you're just to dumb to understand everything ive just tried to clear up, and I dont want to hear about your "findings" or how you "know im fake" in an email.

My brain hurts

Tyler