A dream

To whom do I owe the pleasure of returning to this media once again?

One may expect the colloquial "its been forever," or perhaps "Its been a lifetime."
I am a man of preference when it comes to word selection, and I would pick the latter statement if I were to be so cordial with the audience that is less likely to be reading this than they would have been two years ago.  
A lifetime indeed. Much room for growth.

No I am not out yet, I say to the certain individuals who hold being open in such high esteem.
I am private as ever, and I am okay with that. I am happy enough.
Do I chase crushes? I'd sooner chase a car off of a cliff.

Why the cynicism?
That is none of your business.

[A memory that likes to return in my sleep]

         

The light hum of machinery resolves into the sound of a light sea breeze, and the crashing of waves fifty feet below. It is night time.

  There went one.
and another. 

Can you believe the stupidity of some people?

 like who?

Crystal, who thought that meteors were dying stars...
how she got into UCLA and not you I will never understand.

some people...

 [a few moments without conversation] 

there went another...

I talked with my mom about going camping with you. 

Oh yeah?

She misunderstood me when I said we would be rowing a bunch. She thought I said swimming. She is much more open to the idea of rowing. She said it should be fun.

Ha. sure lets swim 26 miles while we're at it.

a few hikes are a must. There is plenty to see yeah?
It will be fun to be isolated for a few days...we shouldn't bring our cell phones.

Oh yeah. [holding back surprise] that would be nice to actually get away from everybody.

When are we going to go, spring break? 

Probably not. It would be too windy. Winter will be too cold. We will need to wait for summer again. 

[brief quiet is broken by a wave sounding below]

...but I might not be back for summer...not this one at least...early summer. I may be back late summer, but I cant make any guarantees. 

NO! [genuine displeasure]

whenever I'm back and the weather is fine I think we should do it.

we will plan, and make time! ['we will make time' has become something of a mantra of ours]

there went another. 

We will always make time. 
I dont care where I have been, or how busy I get. Whenever I am back I will make time. 
Thats what I come back for...I come back because I have a reason to. 

and I do too. 

by now the conversation ends by our own accord.
Arms find their way around shoulders, a hand searches then rests.

we know what we are doing, but chose to never recognize it.

[a break]

my memory begins to buzz, and the sound of the night begins to lift.
The dark sky becomes oppressive, and I find myself alone.

the night sky rises above me.

the flag flys, up-lit from it's base. A nightingale sings to nobody in particular.

The only feeling I can recall is separation.

[a flash]

A lit hallway.

polished tile floors. railed walls, and many doors leading to offices unseen.

at the end of the hall a man comes running toward me.

when he reaches me he whispers into my right ear.

"they know."

I stand paralyzed with fear.  my stomach hurts

I want to disappear.

I wake to my room.




 

on greater british history

Lets start by saying King George III had purple piss and poop.

WTF! Yeah I know what a hook. He "suffered" from a condition known as porphyria which turns ones waste "a delightful shade of purple" Safe search it on google.

So I was wondering about the brits and their odd history. Think about it. Some dudes on an island who fight over bits of the island then unify and take over the whole freaking world. THEN in the 50's THE Queen (because people speak of her as if there is only one queen in this whole freaking word) lets "the Empire upon which the sun never sets" fall out of her tight royal grasp, and allows for the founding on some common wealth type thingy (great idea btw liz).

Personally id dig the emperor of India title so I wouldn't let any of that happen under my watch.

Lets step back a few years...like 358 years to the year 1653...A gent by the name of Oliver Cromwell has just become Lord Protector of the Commonwealth (its that word again!) of England, Scotland, and Ireland. So this dudes like "hey guys Im lord protector n'stuff...im no dynastic king!" yet four years later he insists that his son, Richard, be named 2nd lord protector...

WTH...

whats more is that he suddenly pulls that "ordained by god" shit that every monarch ever has pulled.

the people are like "g'damn I didnt sign up for this shit"

then the council of state/rump parliament/ privy council...those guys come back

and say fuck the cromwells and their BS and then Charles II becomes king at 21 in 1651.

there is a paining of a young (like 3 year old) Charles II (or chucky 2.0) in a dress...why in gods name did the old english people dress so freaking weird.

Id dig an ermine coat, not gonna lie, but I think id would be too old world for this new world chap.

So what the heck did you just read? You just read what is the result of a late night conversation and a Tyler who needs rest, but also needs very much to spew out crap about history before he can sleep soundly.

The following has been made up. It too is the result of the same conversation and restlessness. read with caution.

The skilled huntsman drew his bow, and with a twang sent an arrow streaking though the air like a commit.

The arrow landed in the soft loamy earth of the scottish lowlands.

The huntsman had just demonstrated physics and was thus considered a witch and burned at the stake.

The following is what happened in the days following his death, and according to the US government what you are about to read never occurred (red october reference)

"EARU!" Shouted the Welsh as they mounted Ergile hill to face the Scotts.

A bagpipe twattled on in the distance...

The great st Andrews cross streaking across the broad navy blue canvas let out a crack as the wind tousled it too and fro.

The men beneath the other banner...that of Wales, had no such imagery to make their position appear any further romanticized, so they continued their shout in the hope that they may get at least some recognition. "EARU!!"

Some stichomythia...horses whinnying

A rousing speech from the commanders of either side to his respective troops. Horses still whinnying

ATTACK!

Much like all wars on the British isles this one was for no good reason at all and the result was one which would have no profound impact on history. In fact if you have any sense of geography there is really no reason that the Welsh or Scottish should be fighting. Neither ever had territory that would have put them at odds...Why are you even reading this?

Filler

1000 years pass.

filler

Today the welsh mine for coal and have a brilliantly engineered lamp system (that is now antiquated) which saves undereducated miners from deadly explosions, and the Scotts long for better days whist eating haggis, raising sheep, and throwing heavy objects while donning sport kilts n' highland dress.

Something profound

THE END

< sequel >

if you feel the need to argue with any of the above close your browser now.

Tyler

the pale blue dot

"Plagiarism!" Cries the blogger crowd. "STFU!" interjects the teenager who doesn't need to be original 100% of the time to feel satisfied. Hipsters need to calm down.

If you haven't listened to it before you should.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wupToqz1e2g

I often listen to it when I need to be humbled by the absolute grandeur of what exists beyond all that my existence will ever be. How unlikely am I? The culmination of millions of years of accident after accident and simple mutations. How lucky are we to live our fleeting existence on this "pale blue dot"?

think how inconsequential we all really are. Atomic bombs have destroyed cities on that dot, and millions of people have been senselessly killed, yet from that far away even events as grand as the holocaust and bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki become negligible.

What does that make us then?

We exist to only as many people as we open up to, and for most that number is very few when weighed against the whole world population. If one were to travel not too far out of his way he will discover that he, and all he has ever been through, means close to nothing to the people who live there. Only if he shares his life story will he have weight in that community, and who wants to sit through that?

What trials and tribulations have we gone though that have lead us to now? What do those mean on the grand scale? Well if harnessing the energy of atoms to decimate populations becomes nothing; I doubt we hold any sort of ranking.

All that we have ever done, or will ever do, becomes forgotten at our atmospheres boundary, and that the farthest we have ever gone in human history is to our own moon. I say this not to discount the perceived grandeur of our history here, but rather to place emphasis on the fact that when you are a dot you are no longer grand.

perspective changes everything

Tyler

I've nothing more to tell you—I'll survive without it—

Ive been working on this in between stacks of college admission craziness. Its been helping to keep my essay writing clean.

Yeah whatever. dont be offended that you are reading through my writers dust bin. Dont demand perfection from a guy in high school...ya doucher.

Yet again I make my return to haunt the internet though my ghost of a blog. I'm sure there is some overly critical bastard is thinking "this kid said he was done with us and never to return! He's a liar! CHARLATAN!" Dude...stfu. Its a blog if you hate it that much you may unfollow it.

Anyway...here I am (again) to unleash some thoughts unto the internet and anyone who cares to read the raving thoughts of another nut who has access to the internet. For those of you observant people who are like "wth! where have all of the identifying labels and social categories gone?" You ought to read the previous post. In short FUCK labels. Ive had enough. Dont even bother.

Advice:

Think of the following as an open letter to anyone who is younger than me. If you're older and still get something out of it thats cool too. Its here to help anyone who may need it.

Dear Colton,

Here you are sitting on the threshold of high school and you have no clue what to do or what this whole place is all about. Believe me this is not the last time this is going to happen to you. Though you may be nervous, and even slightly intimidated you are going to be alright in the end of all of this. Yeah four years seems like a long time, but in the whole scheme of things it is quite literally a blink of an eye. Before you know it your freshman year will be over and you will move on to your sophomore year just to realize it ends just as soon. Bizarre I know. Im sure these weeks feel as if they are moving so slow but you'll believe me when its suddenly March. So back to the issue of what to do about your next four years here. I dont require you to be a genius or prodigy, but I do hope that you try your absolute best to do all that you want to. If there is something you want to do DO IT! it's as easy as that. Work toward a major goal like getting into a college or perhaps even simply graduating then working from there, but enjoy your time all the while; just dont lose sight of your long term goals. You'll only regret the stuff you didn't do when you had the chance so do it now. Don't be afraid to take chances and make mistakes. All of your experiences will make you a better person and help you to grow. DONT SELL YOURSELF SHORT! A wise friend of mine told me that. Be true to yourself and be yourself! Thomas Jefferson said "in matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle stand like a rock".

You're gonna make mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes! You need to learn from them. There is an old arabian proverb that goes something like; if something happens once then it wont happen again, but if it happens a second time it is sure to happen a third. In other words; don't do the same stupid thing twice! Keep your chin up in times where you feel you aren't preforming at your peak. Your teenage years are by no means your "prime". Take it easy.

Dont you dare dabble in drugs! I will murder you if I find out you've been fucking around with the wrong stuff. It seems stupid for me to encourage free thought and action, and limit you here but believe me you'll thank me when you're clean and successful, and not slow and dependent on artificial highs. Find something else to do. make it productive. Say no to drugs. enough said.

Sleep and relax! try and get a full 8 hours 9 if you can swing it! I got 10 on a week day once before! Eat breakfast in the morning, and don't eat shit for lunch. Let lunch time be your chill time. Dont pour over the stresses of your day just chill out with a few friends instead.

Make some alone time for your self, and fill it with something you enjoy. If you enjoy napping, nap. if you enjoy running, run. Do what you like to do because you want to.

Chill with your friends every now and then. Take a break and go to a movie, hang out in the park, do whatever just don't let your working life weigh on you.

Need help making friends? Just start talking to people! Be calm and have something to say, an opinion perhaps, and people will be receptive. Be your self and stick with the people who gravitate to you. If you need to bend over backward to be friends with somebody then they aren't really a friend.

Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat. Don't let people walk over you! Stand strong and work for yourself first! If something isnt working out seek to resolve it.

Call this a start. Sorry its so late. I will keep in touch and try to help you when I can.

Don't be afraid, and don't panic.

Catch up later buddy

Tyler

I had to say it to someone

So yeah I thought i'd stabbed this thing in the neck a while back, but google apparently rules over all blogs, both living and dead, and in its infinite power and wisdom has allowed me to resurrect this open forum to which I used to frequently spew my random and often unsettling thoughts. Once again I chose lay fingers to keys and unleash the power of the written word unto the 43 people who still apparently follow my dead digital thought collecting dust bin. The intention of this post is not to bring you all up to date on my personal goings on as blog posts so frequently are, but rather to express to raw emotion.

If even for a moment when you read " express raw emotion" you made a connection to the fact I am gay I want to FUCKING KILL YOU! A bit harsh a punishment Im sure you are thinking, but seriously this pigeon holing shit has got to end. There are few things in this world that piss me off more than the generalization, or categorization of humans by other humans. How dumb do you need to be to think that a one worded category or sub-category is enough to describe a person? Masculine gay guy, a sub-category of gay guy, is not enough to fully describe me or any other person for that matter. Now i'm not going to pull that whole "i'm unique/my own person" dramatic bull shit as i'm sure the previous suggests it enough. I am however going to come fucking unglued over this subject for the next few glorious minutes so please do sit back and sip your tea (or nattys, I dont fucking give a shit what you drink while reading shit on the internet)

SHIT

I'm sure there are the few straight people out there reading this ( the kind who are into helping gay people out like we are lost puppies or some crap like that) who think they know whats up with the gay community. Like im sure you know everything right? STFU!

Tell me about all the shit you like and I'll tell you about all the shit I do. Ready go:

Oh sweet! what cool stuff that veganist movement is. you especially had me going when you told me about you love for photography and vinyl records. Nice to see all of those pictures you took on your holga of your cities pride event, and thats one mighty fine prius you drive.

For some people Im sure that was shockingly spot on. for the rest of you who are all "wtf that doesnt define me dood your a hypocrit!"

for starters you used the wrong form of you're and you ought to spell hypocrite correctly if you would like to call me one.

Well the point here, that I hope can be taken by the majority, is that generalization sucks!!

If I described every straight person who is chill with gay people under those terms I would be in severe need of an introduction to some new people.

The same can be said for people who assume all gay guys are into acting like dramatic femmy people and rather enjoy a nice sweater or two.

now I'm sure some of you are all "DUDE! I get it! I know lots of gay guys who aren't femmy"

Frankly you probably don't get it yet so read on.

As simple as my brain can make it at 3:30am here is this real world example.

I have a straight friend. He and likes sports, as do I. He doesn't like sports because he is straight he likes girls because he's straight (believe me he wont shut up about them). Likewise I like guys because im gay. NOT ALL GUYS YOU FUCKER! just the ones im attracted to. (tell me you're not selective and I hope a bus runs you over!)

Simple yeah? gay guys like guys straight guys like girls...asexual guys don't like either where bi guys like both. From that point forward their preferences are just as unique as every FUCKING SNOWFLAKE AND CHEETO!

KEEP THOSE RULES IN MIND!

SO what the hell do I like?

I like a great many things!

I'm gay therefore I like guys and I like nothing other than guys because of my sexual orientation.

Yes I may have a microwavable monkey stuffed with the finest lavender from the south of France, but I do not have it because I am gay. I have it because my mother bought it for me to help me calm the hell down!

I am a strong willed person not because I feel I need to prove my self among my peers because Im gay but rather because I have always been determined and not one to take shit from a dumb ass who knows little of the advice he thinks he has to offer.

I like cars, so do most other 17 year old guys

I will openly admit that my brain does not do all of my thinking for me. NOT because im gay, but because im a virile 17 year old guy who has yet to escape the regular assault of his rapidly changing chemical composition.

Im no lost puppy, confused kid, or soul looking for answers. In fact I have a hell of a lot more shit in order than most guys my age and thats not because im gay! Its because im a fucking successful mother f'er and proud of it!

Shit im not "proud" of liking guys and I see no reason to be proud of being gay or embracing a stereotype that makes not sense at all, but I do have reason to be damn proud of all of the crap I have managed to accomplish and undoubtedly would have accomplished if I was any of the available sexual orientations.

It is Freddy Mercury's 65th birthday. (if you haven't seen the thingy on googles home page GO LOOK AT IT NOW!)

a bunch of people are all...*memory* "HE DIED OF AIDS AND IS GAY!!!!!111one"

again I must correct you my good fellow he died of pneumonia that his body could not fight off as a result of having AIDS and he WAS gay he is now dead, and therefore can not be of any particular orientation.

Anyway! who gives a crap if he was gay! Who gives a crap if Im gay or you're gay or straight.

Who gives a crap that Chaz Bono is now a guy and will be on dancing with the stars? Who gives a crap that I even knew about that?

...why did I know about that? ITS NOT BECAUSE IM GAY!

I have added to the ever growing stack of anger and contempt over generalizing idiots!

YES!

I dont care who you are just be chill with everybody. Its seriously not that hard to do. I mean yeah you can hate that douche who tried to poison your water with eye drops, but hate him BECAUSE he tried to poison your water with eye drops NOT because of his sexual orientation or any misconceptions you have about it.

Understand me? Nothing can make you more or less straight, gay, bi, lesbian, transgendered, or asexual. There is no positive or negative value to any of these figures. there is only a singular definition to each of these and it has nothing to do with the personality of the person it only has to do with who they would prefer to, for lack of a better phrase and maturity, get it on with.

DO NOT USE THESE TO GENERALIZE A PERSONS PERSONALITY, OR TO MAKE FUN OF EVERYDAY SHIT FOR THAT MATTER (but that fuming rant is for another day)

You've made it to the end of this angry tirade and I'd love to give you a physical prize however the expense of doing so for all who may see this would be staggering so today your prize is your freedom.

Feel free to comment on this with any input you may have.

...also dont feel bad about anything just because I mentioned it. Only you have the power to make your self feel bad not I!

lastly... Don't ever tell anybody anything, if you do you start missing everybody.

(you there! you who caught that! 10 points to Gryffindor!)

-Tyler

In conclusion

Hello All.

After much thinking I have decided that it is best for me to stop blogging and allow my self to continue on without it. It has served its purpose; It has made me a part of a very supportive community and has introduced me to some very great people. It has allowed me to help many people as well. Now however, I chose to let it go. Thank you all.

Goodbye

Tyler

Winter Classic!

SWEEET

Woke Up this morning to the Sabres and Penguins. Had no clue that would be on. Looking forward to an hour from now. I will be going to a friends house to watch the winter classic. (why am I writing in this tense?) In an hour I will be going to a friends house to watch the winter classic. Im pretty excited as it should be a fun game. Who are you all rooting for?

Boarding was fun fun. Christmas was good, my birthday was even more fun.

anyway this was just a quickie.

So roight winter classic. im out.

later.

Tyler

PS. There is a monkey that I got for Christmas that is stuffed with lavender, Its fantastic. He can be heated in the microwave. Those of you in need of therapeutic bedroom stuffs should seriously consider buying one.

Haiku dump

I just got bit by the haiku bug and had to shoot out a few of them to insure I could live another day...not really, but you get the point.

Heres ten.

First period done

Zamboni comes off the ice

second period

you should play hockey!

what do you play when your fat?

you should play goalie.

so much snow to shred

two feet in a night, thats nuts

lets go boarding NOW!

(European opinion)

The US is dumb

the imperial system

need I say much more?

My skates are too sharp

they cut a hole through my bag

cover your blades kids

the rental skates suck

they have toe breaks and look dumb

I bring my own skates

they play good music

they are playing cold play now

never mind they don't

Mercator is best

NO Gall-Peters is better

you're both idiots!

locker room chatter

"dude your stick is really cool"

sounds pretty wrong eh?

this is not a horse

this is a zebra dumb ass

Racing Stripes' plot line

Couldn't keep a theme going like I had hoped. I feel that should hold me over in the 17 syllable japanese poem department for a while.

(that in haiku form)

Couldn't hold a theme

I had hoped I would do that

I think I'm done now

"I am down right amazed at what I can destroy with just a hammer" (17 syllables)

Tyler

The Romantic Side of Hockey

If any of my followers subscribe to The Hockey News like I do you will have seen the latest head line already. "Is Hockey Dying in CANADA?" it says, "Special Report: By 2016 at least 30,000 fewer kids will be playing the game. A national identity is in peril" After reading though that particular article I remembered the film Pond Hockey (if you haven't seen it kill an hour and watch it here, its very good. There are a few guys who discuss what I call the romantic side of hockey. Its a side I wish I grew up with, and so many lucky Canadians do. One would think that with frozen ponds and plenty of ice that hockey would be booming in Canada however its falling apart. Why? The loss of the romantic end. Somewhere in my mind there exists this kid, weird as this may sound, his age is always changing sometimes hes my age sometimes hes like six never younger, and he lives the life that I have only dreamed of. He lives not in California but somewhere cold, somewhere with long winters. He lives in a place where pond hockey is a regular thing, where I guy can slip out with his friends and enjoy a day out on the pond. They play hockey to play hockey. There are no coaches barking down their necks, they dont care if they win or lose or feel guilty if they mess up. Thats the kind of hockey I wish I had. Thats why I take all the chances to play pick up when I can. Even then I feel like I have been brought up in the hockey world that is full of great expectations that never come off of you. Even when im playing pick up there still seems to be that figure burned into my brain that torments me when I mess up, and even when Ive done well tells me I could have done better. That 50's style pick up game needs to come back. Too much is expected of kids who play just to have fun. I remember being 10 and for the first time feeling like the game was more than a game. I was expected to do a particular number of things on the ice. It stopped being a game and more like my parents asking me to take out the trash... bad coaches make the game a chore. Though there are crazy coaches out there who put far more burden on their teams than they should some good ones exist to. Most of the ideas im talking about come from a few recent coaches I have had as well as team sponsors and just level headed team parents. Hockey is a game and should be treated as such. To call it anything else is to suck the fun away from it. The minute you are expected to do anything but play, score a few points, maybe win, and have fun while doing it, its no longer a game and thus no longer fun. "Let the kids play" is something one of those level headed team parents told that one crazy coach I had. Around school I hear kids talking about their sports. "ugh I have [SPORT] today, we need to do [DRILL], and [DRILL] it sucks!" Sports shouldn't be like that. I ask them "why play if you hate it so much?" they say "well games are fun when you win but practice isnt". Again why must we make our sports a chore? Other kids hear that kind of talk at school and they wont ever want to play. I started playing because I heard kids at school talking about hockey and how much fun it was and their teams and stuff. Quite frankly it sounded like so much fun that I was jealous. Thats how it should be! Make kids want to play dont scare them off. Thats why I stopped playing baseball on and off; too many scary coaches who demanded too much of my young self. Sports should be an escape not a bit of work you do on the side that you kind of like.

Wood stick in hand, skates on tight, favorite jersey on, puck, and frozen pond. Add friends and some makeshift goals and you've got it made.

Winter Break written 12/17 @ 9pm

YEAH! Its winter break for me starting today! I haven't got any homework nor do I have any obligations I feel less than enthusiastic about! Im pretty excited for all the awesome Ive got planed.

I just got back from a bit of skating around with that hockey goalie buddy of mine. We went to my favorite restaurant that plays hockey and when we got in it was all basketball and I was WTF! Then one game ended and the Blackhawks Vs Redwings was gonna take its place and they changed the channel to another game!! BOOOO!!

All set to go up to those mountains for some shreadin! Glad I was invited to go.

Should be a good time. Im going with that one guy I called the french canadian. Hes been a pretty chill new friend as of late. Ive been making friends frighteningly easy these days. Ive always been told im a very affable person however these days one would swear I am a conversation magnet. It has left me fairly surprised as I have never had such ease in meeting new people as I have in recent months.

My latest evil genius project was finished a few days ago. It is a Free-To-Air satellite receiver. I picked up some Canadian programs. One was a documentary on the beaver. Then some Japanese news, and a repeated BBC signal. They played this song and now its been stuck in my head for a while. Its pretty cool whats out there for you to pick up. I finally made this whole thing official and working though with great clear picture. I found a 24 hour Japanese weather channel that shows ski conditions and has running slides of people snow boarding and skiing. That has just added to my excitement.

Thank you to David for this bit of laugh inducing video!

Alright well thats the latest.

Hope that all of you are doing well and that you all enjoy a safe and happy holiday.

Stay in good heath, be well. All my best goes out to you all.

Tyler

Winter Awesome!

Urgent Eagle Project Update:

Not really urgent but I thought id let you all know how its been coming. I am now in the final stages of that schniz! Wooo! I dont remember if I even mentioned when my project was but that was a while ago. Its been a nice long journey of submitting paperwork and getting a great big binder of stuff together since then. That will be a nice thing to have off my plate and the rank of Eagle a nice feather in my cap. Pretty cool stuff.

Yeah thats right. Its snowing on my page! The winter months are upon, the heater is blowing, its noon and its 53 degrees outside (remember thats cold to us california goons), there is snow on the mountains, cider in my cup, life is good.

Winter break approaches! I noticed I totally neglected to tell you about the excitement of...Winter Recreational Hockey!! Thats been going on for a while now hasn't it? I think I said something about a practice or bit of ice time we got. Idk why but all that seems to be in the back of my mind as of late. You'd think it might be at the front of everything, but its not. I cant say anything is ahead of anything else at the moment. Life at current is a cloud of excitement, and thats probably my favorite thing about winter is its endless excitement (so long as the cloudy wether doesnt make you severely depressed, st johns wort ftw!)

either way I think you should know by now how the hockey situation works over here. I do the rec thing in winter then my school season starts in late spring should I chose to ignore Mr goon and play then.

My friend offered to take me up to the mountains with his family to go snowboarding over break. I accepted with out hesitation! I pulled out all my boarding stuff, and its now in the corner of my room. Looking at it smiling right now in fact. I bought it last year after a few years of trying it out and loving it. I went a bunch with scouts no I go with friends. I tried skiing and it was fun but It felt less fun as shredding down a slope on a board. I went on this cross country ski trip with my scout troop a few years ago. That was pretty fun. I felt like a swiss alpine patrolman (Im probly the only one who can get excited by that)

To my readers (if any exist) who have been to or live near whistler...I envy you! One of these days I will go their for some winter awesome but for now I must stick with our local ranges. Ours aren't bad at all though. I think mammoth was ranked 4th best place for boarding (whistler being #1)

A bunch of places in France...check it out http://tinyurl.com/goshreddin

Its where todays picture is from.

Now im really stoked just by talking about it!

We put our Christmas lights up the other day, we get our tree this week. OH man I love the holidays. Seriously! I love the sprit most people have, the cool atmosphere most places get, I love giving gifts to people as much as I may enjoy getting some of my own.

Ill put up a play list of holiday music to enhance the mood...

You know what else is awesome this time of year? FLYING!

You bet! plenty of forces to bump you around so best watch out but when you know what you're doing its pretty cool. Night flying can be even more of a treat. All the houses decked out with lights. The whole city looks gold(ier). Spotting giant lighted outdoor trees is fun too.

Just gotta text asking if I want to go skate...HECK YES I DO! so Ill leave it at that.

Catch you all later in the week.

Tyler

Soccer is the gateway to life structure says I

Soccer is huge here (where I live) and I dont really know why, It just is. I have given it a shot in recent months because a handful of my friends are into it and they like to force me out of my shell because they are the awesome type of friends who do that sort of thing. One of them is a bit older. I met him as a freshman a few years back when he was a senior. He and I hit it off well enough and we've been talking since then. Hes pretty into the whole soccer thing so Ive managed to learn quite a bit just from talking to him. I remember a few years ago playing soccer in europe and feeling like and idiot making some wild discovery. It was interesting to watch for a bit then they tossed me into the mix and I gave it a shot. In ways its like hockey, in others like basketball (the one sport Ive never gained a huge interest in). I can understand why they call it "the beautiful game". Its that type of rapid fire game the world seems to love. There is truly something beautiful in the way the sport is played...any sport for that matter. The mechanics of the human body being used in an extraordinary way. People say American Football is boring because its slow. Its slow but purposefully slow. Its a small organized war and is quite fun to watch once you figure it out. Its planned where as soccer is split second think on your feet type of stuff. Soccer is a battle where Football is a war.

So this soccer playing friend of mine wants to take me to this soccer center where there are a few nicely taken care of fields, pick up games and all that. Hes trying to throw me in head first "expose me to new things " as he puts it. I like people like that. They are the people I want to hang out with. Though hes only a bit older than me I still look up to him as a type of roll model to some extent. Ive never been the type who begins to imitate people I admire but I enjoy spending time with them because by doing so Ive found I become slightly more like them. I pick up things that they do inadvertently. I still am quite the independent person who thinks for him self as much as he can, but ive found that the only way I can be happy with my self is to improve upon my self by allowing in some influence from positive outside sources. I often wonder if my forced seclusion in my earlier years was a negative thing. Looking back at it, it couldn't have been good. I never really allowed my self to have heros or role models when I was younger. I simply had a vision of what I wanted to do never what I wanted to become or whom I wanted to be like. My family provided little to no inspiration as I never really have made much of a positive connection with any of them as much as I have some other people. I often see in my family what I do not wish to be. Ive found that though I hold quite a bit of merit on my own If I ever wish to survive in this odd male culture ive been born into I best keep to the standard male demeanor whilst in public. Thats my polite way of saying I mustn't do anything to fruit cakey. Ive been good about doing that for a while. In a way I am only confirming to my self that male bonding is okay in our mostly heterosexual society and that I will only be made more affable should I chose to give it a shot. In nature the younger animal learns from the older males that surround him. Im sure that at this point in my life had I been a cave person I would be doing just that in preparation for leaving the cave to join the hunters. It makes sense as I will soon be stepping out of my home and into the college life.

Is that empty feeling I felt not too long ago my natural side looking for affirmation to my male identity? Most likely.

odd how all that worked. A bit of guy time cures all for me it seems these days.

Thanks to you soccer friend for helping me and not even knowing it.

This song is pretty cool without lyrics. It works for me as a bit of a psych-up song

Its nice to appreciate music for music and ignore vocals for a bit. Thats why I like

foreign music I cant understand or classical/ non vocal music.

Ive been thinking of putting together a playlist to share with the bloggity blog. I will see when I can throw one together.

It might be work out music...It might be homework music...or essay music (lots of marches!)

or just general listening music.

I like music!!

alright well im off to go read for US History.

hopefully I wont have a dream about what ever subject im reading on again.

Later

Tyler

the week from hell ends!

SHOOOOOT

Its been so long its like I died but I can assure you I am still alive but not well. Im retuning to normalcy however rather quickly as it is now (American) THANKSGIVING BREAK! The week we all get to pay respect to our settling ancestors by eating copious quantities of food, watching football, and making this sacred day the day with the single most domestic violence incidences of any other day throughout the year! Its true!!!

The break starts today and ends Sunday...OHHH the plans I have for this week are awesome, and have been made even more awesome by the fact I have no homework at all over these next five days. This last week started Monday the 15th and just ended today (no weekend) its been pure school work, study, hockey, work, school, study, hockey, work, work, school work. Somehow I didnt die of a brain aneurism. I came home and threw my backpack into the corner not to be touched until necessary. I threw a shirt over it for good measure.

Pressing issue #1

Do not...DO NOT under any circumstances seek or accept (lol LBJ reference) any guidance from any religious organization who claims to be able to "fix" you and make you not gay anymore (bad grammar, but thats about how good they are)

Support groups are good when they support you not when they put you down and make you feel awful. Do not go even if it is free. Do not go if you feel like you may be accepted because you wont. You will only feel like an outsider who does not belong and is doing everything wrong for him self. You will be assured that you aren't loved by your creator and even if you thought at the start you would not give in to negativity you still leave feeling ashamed. However if you have a good head on your shoulders you will take some of what they said, the good bits that weren't hurtful, and more kind and encouraging and you will look back on your life and see that you have made progress from what you once were and are acceptable just the way you are, but if you so want you can do things to make your self feel even better about your self. You should also keep in mind that a fellow with a GED who works for a church ministry that was founded on the internet and holds meetings in free space offered by your neighborhood church ought not to be the one to make you feel bad about who you are...so rip on him in your blog.

Ive got a lot on my mind. A lot of real self discovery and personal cross examination has been going on so I will be writing more about all that type of thing. Its all pretty good growing up type stuff. learning how to deal with my self. Release my past...all that natural stuff that ought to be happening as I prepare to leave the roost.

So thanksgiving tomorrow...We will see how that goes.

I had an awesome day today. I hope these continue.

Im going to read rest and relax now.

Later

Tyler

saying goodbye to my best friend

He was the best dog a boy could ever ask for. A ball of unconditional love that would wait all day long till I got home from school to come rushing over to me and lick my face off. For ten years he brought nothing but smiles and joy to our home. I grew up with him. He took me through my hard times in elementary school, and was my best and only friend then. He stood by me through middle school, and over my summer in europe stayed mostly in my room until I came home. Cheered me up after every loss, provided me with more than anyone will ever know. For ten years he has been my best buddy. Never slowing down until this last week. His belly became bloated. Today my mom and dad picked me up from school and we drove him to the vet. Though he had been slow and slept through most of these last days he was as frisky as ever on that car ride. It was as if he knew he wasn't gonna sick around much longer and wanted us to remember him for the happy dog he always was. The vet told us the worst as you could imagine. Not wanting him to suffer we knew what was best to do for him at this time. I gave him a big hug and cried as he licked my face. His eyes said "I love you" and we said goodbye. Im crying right now writing this out as you could imagine. Life wont go on easy without him. Tonight will be my first night at home sleeping without him, tomorrow will be the first morning I dont feed him and get a good morning lick from him. it will also be the first day I come home to silence instead of his happy clicking claws on the floor and jingling tags coming to meet me.

After ten years of living with, and loving this little guy this is the hardest goodbye ive had to make.

Where ever he may be I hope he knows just how much I love him and how much I miss him.

Happy Thanksgiving/Columbus day

(I chose the Santa Maria only because Chris' is not the friendliest of faces.)

To my many friends north of the United States' Northern Border! Which I must again stress is the longest un-militarized border in the world! Huzzah!

Anyway! Its been a busy one for me over here where it isn't thanksgiving and just columbus day instead. Its a federal holiday that I didn't get off. Way to go school district!

Dearest Canadians,

How do you celebrate your Thanksgiving? Us Americans dont celebrate columbus day very well. We take the day off and sometimes Old Navy puts stuff on sale for $14.92, but I dont buy my clothes at Old Navy so what good is that for me?

Did someone say hockey? Yes they did!!! Did someone also so absolutely no time to blog about anything anymore? Yes they said that also!

I have missed so many games of various sports on TV its making me mad. I somehow have managed to sneak in a few 15 minute quick snaps of the games but nothing more. Ive been relying on web tickers to keep up on scores and just look like an idiot at school for the most part unless the 15 minutes I happened upon was worth talking about in school.

I saw pool on TV two weekends ago. I had nothing better to do so I watched an Irish woman dominate a Korean woman at pool.

To be honest with you it was an hour of my life I will never get back but somehow dont regret spending it doing that rather than doing what ever other academic thing I may have had planned.

So one game I did manage to sneak in. The Habs @ Pens. 3-2

I enjoyed that. Managed to spark convo today with that french canadian I think I told you about once.

then there was the Raiders - Chargers game (american football) That got me in the loop with... everybody else. Raiders won so that sucks (yeah I said it)

Then tonight in baseball I got the Giants v. Braves that went 3 runs and 2.

All that and I managed to get my homework done too and somehow im shooting out a blog and its not even 10 yet? What kind of fantasy world is this?

Its been a good monday night I guess.

I finished a book...cripes I should take up producing honey.

PRODUCTION!

The Chilean miners are nearly free! I thought Id bring them into this. Pretty cool they are getting out tomorrow and not December like they originally thought.

There are 5 albums im trying to get my hands on and 3 of those 5 are available, at the closest, in the city of Rockhampton Australia. The others are in France and Maine.

Its nothing uncommon just some Garage rock and beach music. Amazon has two of them...

I will share in a player on this page when ive located some of the seemingly non existent mp3 files.

Till then

Tyler

The latest (LIFE-RING!!)

so this hasn't been a great last two weeks. I didnt want to make a crazy sad post about it but I did I just didnt publish it. It is titled "He broke my heart and will probably never know"

In short the crush is no longer so much of a crush. A top that I am no longer willing to go through with my follow up plan of making him just a friend. Ive had some time to come to grips with it but it is still hard to write this. I just dont think he is worth it anymore. He at least proved him self to not be. Is this the last we will ever hear of him? More than likely unless I post the rather rambly post written over those two weeks as things went down hill. Most portions of which were written over tears, but for now let this be the calm end to suffering, questioning, wondering, and all of those good feelings that did come through having known him. For now I need to drag my brain off of him and away far away. Distractions sent to my inbox would undoubtedly be the best help a guy could get right about now. It doesn't help that after all that time waiting my french teacher sat us next to each other.

ANYWAY!

A top all that these last two weeks have been a drag and drag drag they did. They are still dragging (stupid weeks). Freaking test after test after test, then all that crazy stuff from the outside I told you about. The weather got all cloudy and thats not helping the depression much. Did someone say St. Johns wart? Indeed they did. Is hockey still medicine when you dont want to play because that ass hole is still at the rink all the time? He put a sticker on his truck (brodoser he calls it, I call it baseball bat target) that said rink rat on it; I took it off. Hes getting on my nerves more and more everyday. Like I said he looks for trouble, he is not in it for fun, he's a goon for lack of a better definition. You bet hes gunna slip his way onto the high school team and I will just avoid conflict by not even trying out. Seriously its fuck it all at this point because there isnt one. I get out of high school and move forward. This is a speed bump I can and will elect to avoid. Im not gunna say hes fucked the game over for me because he hasnt. Ive still got friends who want to play and we can in other places. Ive done it before. Besides im more academic than athletic so this is hurting me none.

Upon reading several books on phycology and having several conversations with the phycology teacher at my school I have determined that I have an undiagnosed personality/mental disorder. Nothing to be concerned about just one of those severe passive aggressive type ones. Who am I kidding it probably is something to be worried about. Do they sell a pill to fix it because I probably wont take it based on my beliefs that I can cure my self (which I have also discovered to be bull shit). Ive gotten nowhere in trying to make my self feel better I just get walked on over all the time.

Hey guess what...Its October and ive gone bat shit crazy. This isnt supposed to happen until like March!

On my last post Austin put something in the comments that I found to help me. he said "John Galt's best advice was in telling Atlas to shrug " I found those words to really be an opinion changer. Maybe Ive just got to shrug. Life is to short to be stressing like I am and I ought to give chilling out a try. At one point just turing off like staying in bed and not caring. That honestly sounds awesome and I would normally write down such a plan in my day runner but no...this one just needs to happen when it does...infact I may start with saying screw writing everything down in the day runner for starters. Just my homework and thats it. Maybe a few other important school things but NO MORE. Good start...PROGRESS!!

God help me...blog friends help me!

Ive gone nuts...Its 8 but why not go to sleep...thats a good cure for mental aliments. Rest ought to help some. Okay lets try this relaxation thing ive been told about. It sounds pretty awesome.

Hopefully by my next post I will have regained a type of stability. Right now I liken my state to that of a large model of the Eiffel tower made of tooth picks, and a few are out of place, and its about ready to fall into its self. *breathe*

Okay later

Goodnight

Tyler

Hard work made Benjamin Franklin a creepy old man...oh god NO!!

These last weeks have been a challenge. I have far to many things I need to juggle. School is a huge thing that takes up time. On top of school and clubs etc I have scouts. I am SPL (Sr. Patrol leader) not for much longer (thank god) I also have an eagle project to be done! To the whole world it looks just like a simple public service project but let me tell you its anything but. I need to get it approved by a good number of people. Once the project its self is good to go I will need to gather people to help out and thats the easy part. Then we go do said project and once its done I will need to compile a big binder of pictures, signatures, data, etc. Present that to some people and go though some crazy multi level process. Once all of that is said and done I will receive a patch and little ribbon with metal eagle hanging on it, watch my mum and dad cry, see a slide show of my scouting life from 5th grade (when I was embarrassingly round) to now and then go home rather proud, but not before cake has been served! My scoutmasters wife makes awesome carrot cake for every eagle court of honor and it is the most awesome stuff! Its worth its weight in gold I swear. She always asks the eagles to be what they want Im saying that is my top want...that and Dr pepper.

Anyway. The situation continues. Just a bunch of stuff going on. More abnormal depression. I keep most of my emotions to my self in public so sorry if I spill a bit to much. Im the type of person who everyone thinks is the happiest most worry free person on the planet. Seriously I find my self smiling when I would rather be frowning and being an ass hole to people. Just out of decency I keep a happy ora about me. That makes people want to be around me and talk to me but it always turns into them talking to me about all that is troubling them. I feel like atlas holding the burden of the world on his shoulders. Hopefully this all lightens up by next year because I could not throw college apps on top of all of this crap. The eagle thing will be done by like... January so I think I should be fine seeing that that is the bulk of the worry as of now.

My life has become a bit dull as of late and I dont know whats up. Im not going out like I used to and what not and its making me a bit nuts. It seems like everybody's crazy busy and has no time for anything or they all have time when I can make none but when I can they all cant make any. I need some fun around here. Ive been trying to get some friends of mine to come to the football games on fridays but none of them have time. Tonight after the game im going to a pizza place with some friends so that will hopefully fill the void. This weekends got a few fun(ish) things going on. It will all turn to the better soon (I hope).

HOCKEY!!! YES!!! OCTOBER is here (almost) and that means hockey is getting close! Ive been following all this preseason build up stuff and its making me excited! *jitters*

Ive got a person I can talk hockey with in almost every class period too AWESOME! Im feeling a good season for all.

Its friday! I like the sound of that. I plan to not have my alarm go off tomorrow morning and sleep in as long as my body wants to! Thats a real treat!

For now im off to enjoy the remainder of the afternoon. I might just lurk the football game alone. I will find someone to sit with eventually.

As always there will be plenty more to be said in the future.

later

Tyler

P.S. The title was a thought that came to mind while reading his autobiography. As I read I discovered he and I share some similar ideals and work ethic. All I could think of all that while was how he turned out at the end of the day. Alright for the most part but there were a few illegitimate children and other creepy things. Lucky for him history has whittled him down to the sort of American demigod he is today. Being on the $100 bill never hurt anyone.

where did you go? oh yeah thats right

Hey all. Ive been in school for 8 days now! wow how the time goes by...so freaking slowly. ugh. Still pretty shell shocked by all the crap going on.

Im pretty bothered by school life to be honest with you. School is not the problem it is the people. Im fine in school, this week we had a quick test to see what we knew about the united sates. Here I am mr shy guy and the teacher calls me out because I got all 50 states and capitals right and all 44 presidents and their vices correct, and here are the students calling me out and calling me a freak because I know all that. Now yes...I agree I am some freak of nature but its only freaky because its uncommon. Its a "gift" to have a memory like mine but believe me its not all milk and cookies (I will save that for a later post).

So I started last week mid week and that was a long couple of days. Where is the crush? ive got him in french (one class only) lucky for me thats the longest class of the day however I sit as far away as I possibly can from him but we are in eye shot so its all good.

There was a football game last week and I went with a few friends so that was a bit of a boost in the morale department. Today there was also I game but I couldn't find anyone to go with. I tried to get my goalie friend to come but he didnt want to being mr "I graduated". At any rate I talked to him today (he came to visit after school). We had a fun time poking around the school for a while and talking to people. He wanted to see who this crush of mine is so we looked for him but he was nowhere to be found and seen. The goalie friend is pretty much everything I have ever been told about as far as how people act after they know you're not straight. I kept hearing him catch him self like "dude thats ga...stupid" I find that to be a nice touch even though I dont give a crap. We drove around a bit and he went off and caught him self and I laughed "I cant help it!" he said. I cant really blame him, everyone says it and for the most part I could care less. Its when people start being evil and ignorant that I get pissed. Hes a good guy though. He continues to tell me everything is alright even though thats pretty clear. He knows me for who I am and thats pretty cool.

thats a pretty sweet rendition of that song if you ask me.

As over played and covered as it is im somehow able to find a nice new rendition of it every now and again.

Ive been breaking in a baseball glove for someone. Yeah pretty random I know but I like to. The picture is of the most expensive baseball glove. We were talking about it today. Its pretty stupid. Its made of aged Italian leather and to me seems more like a fancy purse than a good glove but whatever. I got it all shaped up for him now im working it in. Its one of those things I do for people on the side and have earned a following because im awesome at it apparently. People ask me to break them in at all sorts of random times too like this one ive been loving on now or those random ones I will get mid season. my secret? I dont think I have one. Just know how to shape the pocket and your good. Why am I talking about this?

Ive decided now that tomorrow morning I am making crepes

that means I haven't really got anything else to say other than that im happy to be alive. I guess life just comes along with the upperclassman-ship. Its the underclassmen who should be in fear for their lives. So we are good life with the package deal and a headachy class schedule. Big woot for that one. Nice going Tyler!

Considered trying out for volleyball though I have a feeling that will end in more misery than fun. Ill stick to being a spectator. Better to keep an eye on my crush eh?

Alright

later

Tyler

my mother knows me too well

After all she is my mother but its hard to keep cool when shes trying to figure me out. Its even harder when she starts playing J Edgar Hoover and poking and prodding then calling my bluff. She can totally tell when im lying and thats making her scary at the moment. She can read my body language like a book and that doesn't help when she comes home and Im tutoring my crush and for the most part my subconscious seems to have full control over my body.

For the most part im able to keep relatively cool around my crush. I feel that melty happy sensation all over when he's near and I come close to losing it but I dont lose it. Add my mother to the equation and suddenly I know im being read and I start losing my cool. I cant say why but when ever my parents are lurking about I cant relax as easy. Of course she lurked around in the kitchen (I was tutoring him the little dinning room thing within eye shot of the kitchen) far longer than normal watching me like a hawk as she put away groceries and randomly changed the position of a hand towel. All the while Im trying to help the crush and stay cool while she questioningly looks on and pretends shes not.

He left our house but he left his pen and notebook behind (hmm) I texted him and told him. A good 15 minutes later I got excited to see his name in my inbox. "Oh darn. Ill come back in a few" he said.

My mom instantly began asking me questions.

Let me step back a bit. I am not the sort who goes way out of my way to help people with school work. I will help people, but not to the extent that Ive been helping this crush of mine and my mom picked up on that real quick.

"Is he giving you drugs?"

"yeah mom does he really look that sketchy?"

"do you like his sister or something?"

hahaha "errr...mom stop"

she stopped. Then he came back to pick his stuff up he came to the door and I answerd it and told him Id go to my room and get his stuff (id moved it there to inspect it just incase there was some type of love note inside so I could keep it away from my moms prying eyes. Im hopeful okay) I made the mistake of being kind and letting him in because my mother swooped in like a hawk. I could hear her from my room.

"do you have any siblings?"

"yeah. a younger brother"

That got me to sprint over and break those two up. I walked him out to his waiting ride and gave him both my note book and his. Mine so he can copy the necessary notes. Yeah. Im letting him copy me. If you knew me like everybody you would know its absolutely out of character for me to let somebody copy my work. I let my crush through that boundary though because hes A) cute above all things B) I know he can be trusted C) ive gotta let him in somehow and hes deserving enough.

I read some body language out there on the drive way. I hate to make assumptions about this guy but its hard not to. He seems to enjoy chatting. I was trying hard not to melt on my driveway. He took both note books, complimented my house, then with a friendly reach slightly out of his way because im standing just a bit more than his arms length away from him. I patted my shoulder and gave it a bit of a squeeze that got my heart rate fluttering. Even when he stumbled slightly in doing it he was overly adorable.

Sunday he returns for more tutoring fun...lunch perhaps?

J Edgar (my mom) hopefully wont be giving us a hard time. She likes him...just seems suspicious about how im so good to him. She always tells me which of my friends she thinks are good looking. Its kinda...very creepy but the crush gets her seal of approval. You know its good when its mom good.

"coffee crisp... it makes a nice light snack" (sorry it needed to go here)

alright enough Mummy/crush talk.

Sunday Sunday Sunday

later

Tyler

Wait...I did what?

I would like to open this post with a quote from Taylor's blog which, as you may know, he recently wrapped up. "Just because you're gay, it doesn't make you any less of a man" That quote stuck with me for quite a while. The moment I read it I scribbled it down in my book of thoughts, that journal that keeps my head clear, and about a day ago it came back to me from a source I would have never expected at a time I would have never expected.

I have a good friend that I recently made. Recently being my freshman year in high school. He graduated out this last year but we still talk. Just regular buzz back and forth. We had a class together for the last two years (my Freshman & Soph years his Jr & Sr. years). He's really cool to talk to and one of the nicest people I know. Hes that hockey goalie friend some of you might remember me talking about a while back.

He and I were texting back and forth a few days ago and he asked me if there was anyone at school I liked. He knows me pretty well so Im guessing he figured if he was gunna get anything out of me it was going to be after he graduated and I didnt need to see him everyday. I didnt feel like lying so I said "yeah, I like someone quite a lot".

Of course he asked who. I told him I really didn't want to say. He pulled a "ah come on bro, just tell me" and I maintained my "no" as I wondered what I had gotten my self into. "dude who is she?" I stared at the screen with a bit of a smirk "nobody" I replied. "Is it a dude"...that shut me up fast. I couldn't tell if he was joking or if he was serious. Within that thought he sent another text "Im serious. Is it a guy?". Hes one of those friends I felt I could tell anything to but could I tell him this? I strayed away from it. He noticed and said "thats not gunna work". "yeah, if youre gunna dig and poke yeah".... "so you are gay?" he replied back. There it was; the label I hate so much stamped on my forehead and there I was pidgin holed. "Yeah" I send back feeling majorly fucked. "and why would you cover that up for so long?" He went on to tell me hes cool with it because he has a gay uncle and has be raised to not judge. He told me he knew something was bothering me that I couldn't talk about but I didnt know it was "this". He really is the nicest person. I told him how I hate the label or for people to assume that im lesser than or just another stereotype. He reminded me that he knows who I am though and that he knows im not a stereotype or lesser in any way. Then he said it "dude, just because you're gay, that doesn't mean you're any less of a man." and he told me he knows that rings true for me.

I went to bed feeling awkward, and like though he said all that I may have freaked him out a bit. The next day I woke up with a text from him saying he wanted to meet up on the ice for a bit of a stick and skate and talk. Im not one to pass up any ice time so I got him to pick me up and take me up there. (save gas CARPOOL!) We had a good chat and a good skate. He assured me I didnt freak him out and that I have nothing to worry about. My secret is safe with him.

Well...I think thats coming out isnt it? lol I didnt think it would happen this soon or with a hockey buddy but it happened.

As for that quote, I still love it. I am putting it somewhere in my blog if you find it you win a live performance by The Zambonis! (no seriously) just click on the thing that all hockey games are divided into.

Ive got the crush coming over tomorrow so expect more news soon.

till then

later

Tyler

registration day

So yesterday was the day I took in all my paperwork and payed for everything that needed paying for, picked up my books, and got a tentative class schedule. whew. Jr Year is right around the corner (11th grade). Pretty cool stuff. SO I could not escape the day without seeing my crush. It looks like our many conversations have made us friendlier. He followed me around kinda just broski palling around. The normal things that he does that can make me smile. We parted ways when he went to get his schedule because they were in different rooms (by last name) but we ran in to each other again when I was in line for a schedule change I was hoping he would join me but he just had to pop in an drop something off. Go figure. I didnt see his schedule so I dont know how that is. Ill ask him for it later. I know we will have french next year for sure. I can only hope for more. I sat on a bench for a bit to try to ease some of my anxiety. I saw him walking over to his locker and on the way some girl ran over and started talking to him and I was like...to my self, get the hell away hes mine, and I tackled her with my mind. He later walked over to me and asked where my locker is and I said and why. He just kinda said "oh im thinking of trading mine out." All the while im thinking..."and why would you need to know where mine is?" Pretty cool stuff if you ask me.

Sometimes I wish I could get really drunk and text him everything I want him to know and have no second thoughts about it and just see how it plays out. One day ive gotta just take a chance. I came so close that one time.

I keep having dreams about him. Amazing dreams I often wake up crying after. When, how, what, where do I tell him though? Even then there is no 100% here.

I know ive thought when I graduate I will tell him. That gets us somewhere in knowing that the one thing keeping me down is nervousness and knowing regardless of the out come I would need to see him the next day.

I like him a lot and you all know and can tell. Ive just gotta do something about all that love and like so I can stop telling you how much I like him and show and tell him how much I like him. One of these days. Ive got 170 days till Valentines day. Idk it might be stupid to wait that long. Or it might be stupid to tell him anything at all. Then again it might be awesome. I feel like Im getting torn apart between what is logical and attainable and some other force I cant identify. Thus I am confused.

Im just a simple t-shirt wearing, sport loving, relatively normal American boy. I may be more studious and tense than most but when its all whittled down Im alike. I can liken the crush and I to A Separate Peace, thats why I liked the book so much. Im the studious hard worker, hes the fun loving easy goer that things come easy to. He and I are alike but at the same time just as polar in personality as Gene and Finny though we get along well somehow. Im just better around him more content than with anybody else. Hes easy to talk to what ever it is we are talking about. Hes one of the few people I can talk to who actually makes me feel "cool" while talking to them.

Our talks are rare but they are fantastic.

His friends are not the best of mine I will admit that.

As long as I can be friends with him and build on that I think we will be okay. I think thats the way I would want it. To be friends first and to really have a buddy rather than some dude you met, like, and made out with. To me I would feel used and like Im using them. I imagine that would help keep a steady(er) relationship. To know about someone is better. Playing it safe I guess.

I know what I want and I think thats awesome. I know what I want in a guy thats for sure. Im not too picky I just know what I want or what works for me. I feel almost like I dont need to "mess around" or at least dont need much of that to know whats right for me. Im not saying I have my mind made up. Im more saying I know what I want, and as if I wished it into life it goes to my school. Thats not to say if this doesnt work out I might not find it elsewhere, but believe me if it doesnt turn out ideally...you are going to hear from me and its not going to be a fun post.

Well this turned into a more all about my crush post. I was hoping I could fit something else into here but its become specialized so I will save all that for another post.

Ive got plenty of stuff in my head so you wont need to wait long.

Whats up with todays picture? Nothing really. Add your own symbolism. My blog has been lacking hockey of late so there he be.

Later

Tyler