so this hasn't been a great last two weeks. I didnt want to make a crazy sad post about it but I did I just didnt publish it. It is titled "He broke my heart and will probably never know"
In short the crush is no longer so much of a crush. A top that I am no longer willing to go through with my follow up plan of making him just a friend. Ive had some time to come to grips with it but it is still hard to write this. I just dont think he is worth it anymore. He at least proved him self to not be. Is this the last we will ever hear of him? More than likely unless I post the rather rambly post written over those two weeks as things went down hill. Most portions of which were written over tears, but for now let this be the calm end to suffering, questioning, wondering, and all of those good feelings that did come through having known him. For now I need to drag my brain off of him and away far away. Distractions sent to my inbox would undoubtedly be the best help a guy could get right about now. It doesn't help that after all that time waiting my french teacher sat us next to each other.
A top all that these last two weeks have been a drag and drag drag they did. They are still dragging (stupid weeks). Freaking test after test after test, then all that crazy stuff from the outside I told you about. The weather got all cloudy and thats not helping the depression much. Did someone say St. Johns wart? Indeed they did. Is hockey still medicine when you dont want to play because that ass hole is still at the rink all the time? He put a sticker on his truck (brodoser he calls it, I call it baseball bat target) that said rink rat on it; I took it off. Hes getting on my nerves more and more everyday. Like I said he looks for trouble, he is not in it for fun, he's a goon for lack of a better definition. You bet hes gunna slip his way onto the high school team and I will just avoid conflict by not even trying out. Seriously its fuck it all at this point because there isnt one. I get out of high school and move forward. This is a speed bump I can and will elect to avoid. Im not gunna say hes fucked the game over for me because he hasnt. Ive still got friends who want to play and we can in other places. Ive done it before. Besides im more academic than athletic so this is hurting me none.
Upon reading several books on phycology and having several conversations with the phycology teacher at my school I have determined that I have an undiagnosed personality/mental disorder. Nothing to be concerned about just one of those severe passive aggressive type ones. Who am I kidding it probably is something to be worried about. Do they sell a pill to fix it because I probably wont take it based on my beliefs that I can cure my self (which I have also discovered to be bull shit). Ive gotten nowhere in trying to make my self feel better I just get walked on over all the time.
Hey guess what...Its October and ive gone bat shit crazy. This isnt supposed to happen until like March!
On my last post Austin put something in the comments that I found to help me. he said "
God help me...blog friends help me!
Ive gone nuts...Its 8 but why not go to sleep...thats a good cure for mental aliments. Rest ought to help some. Okay lets try this relaxation thing ive been told about. It sounds pretty awesome.
Hopefully by my next post I will have regained a type of stability. Right now I liken my state to that of a large model of the Eiffel tower made of tooth picks, and a few are out of place, and its about ready to fall into its self. *breathe*