Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The latest (LIFE-RING!!)

so this hasn't been a great last two weeks. I didnt want to make a crazy sad post about it but I did I just didnt publish it. It is titled "He broke my heart and will probably never know"
In short the crush is no longer so much of a crush. A top that I am no longer willing to go through with my follow up plan of making him just a friend. Ive had some time to come to grips with it but it is still hard to write this. I just dont think he is worth it anymore. He at least proved him self to not be. Is this the last we will ever hear of him? More than likely unless I post the rather rambly post written over those two weeks as things went down hill. Most portions of which were written over tears, but for now let this be the calm end to suffering, questioning, wondering, and all of those good feelings that did come through having known him. For now I need to drag my brain off of him and away far away. Distractions sent to my inbox would undoubtedly be the best help a guy could get right about now. It doesn't help that after all that time waiting my french teacher sat us next to each other.


A top all that these last two weeks have been a drag and drag drag they did. They are still dragging (stupid weeks). Freaking test after test after test, then all that crazy stuff from the outside I told you about. The weather got all cloudy and thats not helping the depression much. Did someone say St. Johns wart? Indeed they did. Is hockey still medicine when you dont want to play because that ass hole is still at the rink all the time? He put a sticker on his truck (brodoser he calls it, I call it baseball bat target) that said rink rat on it; I took it off. Hes getting on my nerves more and more everyday. Like I said he looks for trouble, he is not in it for fun, he's a goon for lack of a better definition. You bet hes gunna slip his way onto the high school team and I will just avoid conflict by not even trying out. Seriously its fuck it all at this point because there isnt one. I get out of high school and move forward. This is a speed bump I can and will elect to avoid. Im not gunna say hes fucked the game over for me because he hasnt. Ive still got friends who want to play and we can in other places. Ive done it before. Besides im more academic than athletic so this is hurting me none.

Upon reading several books on phycology and having several conversations with the phycology teacher at my school I have determined that I have an undiagnosed personality/mental disorder. Nothing to be concerned about just one of those severe passive aggressive type ones. Who am I kidding it probably is something to be worried about. Do they sell a pill to fix it because I probably wont take it based on my beliefs that I can cure my self (which I have also discovered to be bull shit). Ive gotten nowhere in trying to make my self feel better I just get walked on over all the time.

Hey guess what...Its October and ive gone bat shit crazy. This isnt supposed to happen until like March!

On my last post Austin put something in the comments that I found to help me. he said "John Galt's best advice was in telling Atlas to shrug " I found those words to really be an opinion changer. Maybe Ive just got to shrug. Life is to short to be stressing like I am and I ought to give chilling out a try. At one point just turing off like staying in bed and not caring. That honestly sounds awesome and I would normally write down such a plan in my day runner but no...this one just needs to happen when it does...infact I may start with saying screw writing everything down in the day runner for starters. Just my homework and thats it. Maybe a few other important school things but NO MORE. Good start...PROGRESS!!

God help friends help me!

Ive gone nuts...Its 8 but why not go to sleep...thats a good cure for mental aliments. Rest ought to help some. Okay lets try this relaxation thing ive been told about. It sounds pretty awesome.
Hopefully by my next post I will have regained a type of stability. Right now I liken my state to that of a large model of the Eiffel tower made of tooth picks, and a few are out of place, and its about ready to fall into its self. *breathe*

Okay later



  1. man it's good to hear from you... even if times are tough. email coming your way, friend :)

  2. You shouldn't diagnose yourself based on reading books and talking to a teacher. No disrespect to the teacher, but if you're really worried speak to an actual therapist. And as for relaxing, don't just do nothing (tempting as it can be to lie in bed all day). Do fun things that you like to do.

  3. That really sucks. Sorry to hear that he let you down. I've known the feeling almost too well in the past and can confirm that it totally, undoubtedly sucka ballz!!

    At times like that I try and put things in perspective. I've been screwed over in love more than once, and (living downtown) realized that love is a luxury that only some get to experience. Yeah, it may suck and it sucks even more to be disappointed. But I appreciate the experience for what it's taught me and that I was even able to have it in the first place.

    I would definitely agree with the previous poster to see a therapist. Preferrably psychologist not psychiatrist, so you don't just get pills thrown at you.

    I hope you feel better soon. Although I know fall and the drearyness definitely can take it's hold... :/

  4. I did plenty fo self-diagnosis in high school; it helped, but it took literally a decade to help.

    The important aspect of "shrugging" isn't to abandon the world - it's being willing to accept that fact that one can't be (and isn't) responsible for everything.

    I spent a lot of time trying to save the world; to an extent, I still do. To this day, I'm known as the guy who can "fix anything", and not just technologically. It's great, and I enjoy doing it - but there's a limit. Sometimes, there just isn't anything you can do. Sometimes, the only response is to "chalk it up to experience" and move on. Sometimes, when the world tries to put its weight on your shoulders, you just have to shrug.

    It's not fun. I've cried at night over seeing someone tear his life apart when I know he doesn't have to - but it's his life, and I have no right to stop him. I've hated the times when my own life has been so chaotic that I just couldn't devote the resources - time, money, even good will - towards helping someone else who really needed it. But you have to do it.

    You can't save the world - you can only help the world save itself - but you can't even do that much if you aren't keeping yourself together.

    We all get depressed, we all go through sad times, we all have those days - or weeks, or years - when instinct says to go crawl back under the covers and hide until it's over. Sometimes, legitimately, there's a biochemical problem that requires a biochemical solution - when you have an infection, you take antibiotics, and when you've got a severe neurotransmitter imbalance (or whatever), the only way to fix it is to take a pill. That's just reality.

    But only someone trained in the matter can tell the difference between "a bad day/week" and "a systemic problem". The best you can do on your own is to try to find that mythical "balance": take some of the load off of yourself and remember that for all your brilliance and capability, you're still only human (or some rough analogue to human) and have limits.

    Beating yourself up because you're human does no one any good. Remember, the body is just an animal, an imperfect machine. We can't live without it, and we can't completely control it. We have to manage somewhere in the middle.

  5. dude... this goon you speak of... put. him. on. his. ass. dont be a victim... stand him up at the blue-line and put him down... every chance you get..
    as for the whole "crush" situation... i hear you, [[hugs]].. if you think you are having issues with brain chemistry and mental illness, please go see a therapist... in the mean while, try to relax, your squeezing your hockey stick way too tight.... i hope it gets better man.. im pulling for you....

    - cheers....

  6. Sorry I’ve only seen this now. I’m sending you an e-mail (well sever) right now. Hugs,

  7. Your depressing yourself over a guy? So your telling me that he is the stronger person? you cant play hockey because he is there? You wanna change rinks because he is there?You wanna got to bed early because of him? HAIL NO!!!you have to pick yourself up and be the bigger man!!! Now im not saying that it will be easy because it will not. But you dont need to disrupt your life because of him.
    This is an example but do non humans do what you are feeling? NO!!! They just get up and there on to another one. Dont let him be the one who wins!!!!!!!
    have you ever heard of the phrase "There is more fish in the sea?" You might think you are the only one who has felt that way but you would be wrong (i felt that way when i tried to end my life