Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Haiku dump

I just got bit by the haiku bug and had to shoot out a few of them to insure I could live another day...not really, but you get the point.
Heres ten.

First period done
Zamboni comes off the ice
second period

you should play hockey!
what do you play when your fat?
you should play goalie.

so much snow to shred
two feet in a night, thats nuts
lets go boarding NOW!

(European opinion)
The US is dumb
the imperial system
need I say much more?

My skates are too sharp
they cut a hole through my bag
cover your blades kids

the rental skates suck
they have toe breaks and look dumb
I bring my own skates

they play good music
they are playing cold play now
never mind they don't

Mercator is best
NO Gall-Peters is better
you're both idiots!

locker room chatter
"dude your stick is really cool"
sounds pretty wrong eh?

this is not a horse
this is a zebra dumb ass
Racing Stripes' plot line

Couldn't keep a theme going like I had hoped. I feel that should hold me over in the 17 syllable japanese poem department for a while.

(that in haiku form)

Couldn't hold a theme
I had hoped I would do that
I think I'm done now

"I am down right amazed at what I can destroy with just a hammer" (17 syllables)


Saturday, December 18, 2010

The Romantic Side of Hockey

If any of my followers subscribe to The Hockey News like I do you will have seen the latest head line already. "Is Hockey Dying in CANADA?" it says, "Special Report: By 2016 at least 30,000 fewer kids will be playing the game. A national identity is in peril" After reading though that particular article I remembered the film Pond Hockey (if you haven't seen it kill an hour and watch it here, its very good. There are a few guys who discuss what I call the romantic side of hockey. Its a side I wish I grew up with, and so many lucky Canadians do. One would think that with frozen ponds and plenty of ice that hockey would be booming in Canada however its falling apart. Why? The loss of the romantic end. Somewhere in my mind there exists this kid, weird as this may sound, his age is always changing sometimes hes my age sometimes hes like six never younger, and he lives the life that I have only dreamed of. He lives not in California but somewhere cold, somewhere with long winters. He lives in a place where pond hockey is a regular thing, where I guy can slip out with his friends and enjoy a day out on the pond. They play hockey to play hockey. There are no coaches barking down their necks, they dont care if they win or lose or feel guilty if they mess up. Thats the kind of hockey I wish I had. Thats why I take all the chances to play pick up when I can. Even then I feel like I have been brought up in the hockey world that is full of great expectations that never come off of you. Even when im playing pick up there still seems to be that figure burned into my brain that torments me when I mess up, and even when Ive done well tells me I could have done better. That 50's style pick up game needs to come back. Too much is expected of kids who play just to have fun. I remember being 10 and for the first time feeling like the game was more than a game. I was expected to do a particular number of things on the ice. It stopped being a game and more like my parents asking me to take out the trash... bad coaches make the game a chore. Though there are crazy coaches out there who put far more burden on their teams than they should some good ones exist to. Most of the ideas im talking about come from a few recent coaches I have had as well as team sponsors and just level headed team parents. Hockey is a game and should be treated as such. To call it anything else is to suck the fun away from it. The minute you are expected to do anything but play, score a few points, maybe win, and have fun while doing it, its no longer a game and thus no longer fun. "Let the kids play" is something one of those level headed team parents told that one crazy coach I had. Around school I hear kids talking about their sports. "ugh I have [SPORT] today, we need to do [DRILL], and [DRILL] it sucks!" Sports shouldn't be like that. I ask them "why play if you hate it so much?" they say "well games are fun when you win but practice isnt". Again why must we make our sports a chore? Other kids hear that kind of talk at school and they wont ever want to play. I started playing because I heard kids at school talking about hockey and how much fun it was and their teams and stuff. Quite frankly it sounded like so much fun that I was jealous. Thats how it should be! Make kids want to play dont scare them off. Thats why I stopped playing baseball on and off; too many scary coaches who demanded too much of my young self. Sports should be an escape not a bit of work you do on the side that you kind of like.
Wood stick in hand, skates on tight, favorite jersey on, puck, and frozen pond. Add friends and some makeshift goals and you've got it made.

Winter Break written 12/17 @ 9pm

YEAH! Its winter break for me starting today! I haven't got any homework nor do I have any obligations I feel less than enthusiastic about! Im pretty excited for all the awesome Ive got planed.
I just got back from a bit of skating around with that hockey goalie buddy of mine. We went to my favorite restaurant that plays hockey and when we got in it was all basketball and I was WTF! Then one game ended and the Blackhawks Vs Redwings was gonna take its place and they changed the channel to another game!! BOOOO!!

All set to go up to those mountains for some shreadin! Glad I was invited to go.

Should be a good time. Im going with that one guy I called the french canadian. Hes been a pretty chill new friend as of late. Ive been making friends frighteningly easy these days. Ive always been told im a very affable person however these days one would swear I am a conversation magnet. It has left me fairly surprised as I have never had such ease in meeting new people as I have in recent months.

My latest evil genius project was finished a few days ago. It is a Free-To-Air satellite receiver. I picked up some Canadian programs. One was a documentary on the beaver. Then some Japanese news, and a repeated BBC signal. They played this song and now its been stuck in my head for a while. Its pretty cool whats out there for you to pick up. I finally made this whole thing official and working though with great clear picture. I found a 24 hour Japanese weather channel that shows ski conditions and has running slides of people snow boarding and skiing. That has just added to my excitement.

Thank you to David for this bit of laugh inducing video!

Alright well thats the latest.
Hope that all of you are doing well and that you all enjoy a safe and happy holiday.
Stay in good heath, be well. All my best goes out to you all.


Sunday, December 5, 2010

Winter Awesome!

Urgent Eagle Project Update:
Not really urgent but I thought id let you all know how its been coming. I am now in the final stages of that schniz! Wooo! I dont remember if I even mentioned when my project was but that was a while ago. Its been a nice long journey of submitting paperwork and getting a great big binder of stuff together since then. That will be a nice thing to have off my plate and the rank of Eagle a nice feather in my cap. Pretty cool stuff.

Yeah thats right. Its snowing on my page! The winter months are upon, the heater is blowing, its noon and its 53 degrees outside (remember thats cold to us california goons), there is snow on the mountains, cider in my cup, life is good.
Winter break approaches! I noticed I totally neglected to tell you about the excitement of...Winter Recreational Hockey!! Thats been going on for a while now hasn't it? I think I said something about a practice or bit of ice time we got. Idk why but all that seems to be in the back of my mind as of late. You'd think it might be at the front of everything, but its not. I cant say anything is ahead of anything else at the moment. Life at current is a cloud of excitement, and thats probably my favorite thing about winter is its endless excitement (so long as the cloudy wether doesnt make you severely depressed, st johns wort ftw!)
either way I think you should know by now how the hockey situation works over here. I do the rec thing in winter then my school season starts in late spring should I chose to ignore Mr goon and play then.
My friend offered to take me up to the mountains with his family to go snowboarding over break. I accepted with out hesitation! I pulled out all my boarding stuff, and its now in the corner of my room. Looking at it smiling right now in fact. I bought it last year after a few years of trying it out and loving it. I went a bunch with scouts no I go with friends. I tried skiing and it was fun but It felt less fun as shredding down a slope on a board. I went on this cross country ski trip with my scout troop a few years ago. That was pretty fun. I felt like a swiss alpine patrolman (Im probly the only one who can get excited by that)
To my readers (if any exist) who have been to or live near whistler...I envy you! One of these days I will go their for some winter awesome but for now I must stick with our local ranges. Ours aren't bad at all though. I think mammoth was ranked 4th best place for boarding (whistler being #1)
A bunch of places in France...check it out http://tinyurl.com/goshreddin
Its where todays picture is from.

Now im really stoked just by talking about it!

We put our Christmas lights up the other day, we get our tree this week. OH man I love the holidays. Seriously! I love the sprit most people have, the cool atmosphere most places get, I love giving gifts to people as much as I may enjoy getting some of my own.
Ill put up a play list of holiday music to enhance the mood...

You know what else is awesome this time of year? FLYING!
You bet! plenty of forces to bump you around so best watch out but when you know what you're doing its pretty cool. Night flying can be even more of a treat. All the houses decked out with lights. The whole city looks gold(ier). Spotting giant lighted outdoor trees is fun too.

Just gotta text asking if I want to go skate...HECK YES I DO! so Ill leave it at that.

Catch you all later in the week.


Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Soccer is the gateway to life structure says I

Soccer is huge here (where I live) and I dont really know why, It just is. I have given it a shot in recent months because a handful of my friends are into it and they like to force me out of my shell because they are the awesome type of friends who do that sort of thing. One of them is a bit older. I met him as a freshman a few years back when he was a senior. He and I hit it off well enough and we've been talking since then. Hes pretty into the whole soccer thing so Ive managed to learn quite a bit just from talking to him. I remember a few years ago playing soccer in europe and feeling like and idiot making some wild discovery. It was interesting to watch for a bit then they tossed me into the mix and I gave it a shot. In ways its like hockey, in others like basketball (the one sport Ive never gained a huge interest in). I can understand why they call it "the beautiful game". Its that type of rapid fire game the world seems to love. There is truly something beautiful in the way the sport is played...any sport for that matter. The mechanics of the human body being used in an extraordinary way. People say American Football is boring because its slow. Its slow but purposefully slow. Its a small organized war and is quite fun to watch once you figure it out. Its planned where as soccer is split second think on your feet type of stuff. Soccer is a battle where Football is a war.
So this soccer playing friend of mine wants to take me to this soccer center where there are a few nicely taken care of fields, pick up games and all that. Hes trying to throw me in head first "expose me to new things " as he puts it. I like people like that. They are the people I want to hang out with. Though hes only a bit older than me I still look up to him as a type of roll model to some extent. Ive never been the type who begins to imitate people I admire but I enjoy spending time with them because by doing so Ive found I become slightly more like them. I pick up things that they do inadvertently. I still am quite the independent person who thinks for him self as much as he can, but ive found that the only way I can be happy with my self is to improve upon my self by allowing in some influence from positive outside sources. I often wonder if my forced seclusion in my earlier years was a negative thing. Looking back at it, it couldn't have been good. I never really allowed my self to have heros or role models when I was younger. I simply had a vision of what I wanted to do never what I wanted to become or whom I wanted to be like. My family provided little to no inspiration as I never really have made much of a positive connection with any of them as much as I have some other people. I often see in my family what I do not wish to be. Ive found that though I hold quite a bit of merit on my own If I ever wish to survive in this odd male culture ive been born into I best keep to the standard male demeanor whilst in public. Thats my polite way of saying I mustn't do anything to fruit cakey. Ive been good about doing that for a while. In a way I am only confirming to my self that male bonding is okay in our mostly heterosexual society and that I will only be made more affable should I chose to give it a shot. In nature the younger animal learns from the older males that surround him. Im sure that at this point in my life had I been a cave person I would be doing just that in preparation for leaving the cave to join the hunters. It makes sense as I will soon be stepping out of my home and into the college life.
Is that empty feeling I felt not too long ago my natural side looking for affirmation to my male identity? Most likely.
odd how all that worked. A bit of guy time cures all for me it seems these days.
Thanks to you soccer friend for helping me and not even knowing it.

This song is pretty cool without lyrics. It works for me as a bit of a psych-up song
Its nice to appreciate music for music and ignore vocals for a bit. Thats why I like
foreign music I cant understand or classical/ non vocal music.

Ive been thinking of putting together a playlist to share with the bloggity blog. I will see when I can throw one together.
It might be work out music...It might be homework music...or essay music (lots of marches!)
or just general listening music.
I like music!!

alright well im off to go read for US History.
hopefully I wont have a dream about what ever subject im reading on again.



Wednesday, November 24, 2010

the week from hell ends!


Its been so long its like I died but I can assure you I am still alive but not well. Im retuning to normalcy however rather quickly as it is now (American) THANKSGIVING BREAK! The week we all get to pay respect to our settling ancestors by eating copious quantities of food, watching football, and making this sacred day the day with the single most domestic violence incidences of any other day throughout the year! Its true!!!
The break starts today and ends Sunday...OHHH the plans I have for this week are awesome, and have been made even more awesome by the fact I have no homework at all over these next five days. This last week started Monday the 15th and just ended today (no weekend) its been pure school work, study, hockey, work, school, study, hockey, work, work, school work. Somehow I didnt die of a brain aneurism. I came home and threw my backpack into the corner not to be touched until necessary. I threw a shirt over it for good measure.
Pressing issue #1
Do not...DO NOT under any circumstances seek or accept (lol LBJ reference) any guidance from any religious organization who claims to be able to "fix" you and make you not gay anymore (bad grammar, but thats about how good they are)
Support groups are good when they support you not when they put you down and make you feel awful. Do not go even if it is free. Do not go if you feel like you may be accepted because you wont. You will only feel like an outsider who does not belong and is doing everything wrong for him self. You will be assured that you aren't loved by your creator and even if you thought at the start you would not give in to negativity you still leave feeling ashamed. However if you have a good head on your shoulders you will take some of what they said, the good bits that weren't hurtful, and more kind and encouraging and you will look back on your life and see that you have made progress from what you once were and are acceptable just the way you are, but if you so want you can do things to make your self feel even better about your self. You should also keep in mind that a fellow with a GED who works for a church ministry that was founded on the internet and holds meetings in free space offered by your neighborhood church ought not to be the one to make you feel bad about who you are...so rip on him in your blog.
Ive got a lot on my mind. A lot of real self discovery and personal cross examination has been going on so I will be writing more about all that type of thing. Its all pretty good growing up type stuff. learning how to deal with my self. Release my past...all that natural stuff that ought to be happening as I prepare to leave the roost.
So thanksgiving tomorrow...We will see how that goes.
I had an awesome day today. I hope these continue.
Im going to read rest and relax now.



Monday, November 8, 2010

saying goodbye to my best friend

He was the best dog a boy could ever ask for. A ball of unconditional love that would wait all day long till I got home from school to come rushing over to me and lick my face off. For ten years he brought nothing but smiles and joy to our home. I grew up with him. He took me through my hard times in elementary school, and was my best and only friend then. He stood by me through middle school, and over my summer in europe stayed mostly in my room until I came home. Cheered me up after every loss, provided me with more than anyone will ever know. For ten years he has been my best buddy. Never slowing down until this last week. His belly became bloated. Today my mom and dad picked me up from school and we drove him to the vet. Though he had been slow and slept through most of these last days he was as frisky as ever on that car ride. It was as if he knew he wasn't gonna sick around much longer and wanted us to remember him for the happy dog he always was. The vet told us the worst as you could imagine. Not wanting him to suffer we knew what was best to do for him at this time. I gave him a big hug and cried as he licked my face. His eyes said "I love you" and we said goodbye. Im crying right now writing this out as you could imagine. Life wont go on easy without him. Tonight will be my first night at home sleeping without him, tomorrow will be the first morning I dont feed him and get a good morning lick from him. it will also be the first day I come home to silence instead of his happy clicking claws on the floor and jingling tags coming to meet me.
After ten years of living with, and loving this little guy this is the hardest goodbye ive had to make.
Where ever he may be I hope he knows just how much I love him and how much I miss him.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving/Columbus day

(I chose the Santa Maria only because Chris' is not the friendliest of faces.)

To my many friends north of the United States' Northern Border! Which I must again stress is the longest un-militarized border in the world! Huzzah!

Anyway! Its been a busy one for me over here where it isn't thanksgiving and just columbus day instead. Its a federal holiday that I didn't get off. Way to go school district!

Dearest Canadians,

How do you celebrate your Thanksgiving? Us Americans dont celebrate columbus day very well. We take the day off and sometimes Old Navy puts stuff on sale for $14.92, but I dont buy my clothes at Old Navy so what good is that for me?

Did someone say hockey? Yes they did!!! Did someone also so absolutely no time to blog about anything anymore? Yes they said that also!

I have missed so many games of various sports on TV its making me mad. I somehow have managed to sneak in a few 15 minute quick snaps of the games but nothing more. Ive been relying on web tickers to keep up on scores and just look like an idiot at school for the most part unless the 15 minutes I happened upon was worth talking about in school.

I saw pool on TV two weekends ago. I had nothing better to do so I watched an Irish woman dominate a Korean woman at pool.
To be honest with you it was an hour of my life I will never get back but somehow dont regret spending it doing that rather than doing what ever other academic thing I may have had planned.

So one game I did manage to sneak in. The Habs @ Pens. 3-2
I enjoyed that. Managed to spark convo today with that french canadian I think I told you about once.

then there was the Raiders - Chargers game (american football) That got me in the loop with... everybody else. Raiders won so that sucks (yeah I said it)

Then tonight in baseball I got the Giants v. Braves that went 3 runs and 2.

All that and I managed to get my homework done too and somehow im shooting out a blog and its not even 10 yet? What kind of fantasy world is this?

Its been a good monday night I guess.

I finished a book...cripes I should take up producing honey.

The Chilean miners are nearly free! I thought Id bring them into this. Pretty cool they are getting out tomorrow and not December like they originally thought.

There are 5 albums im trying to get my hands on and 3 of those 5 are available, at the closest, in the city of Rockhampton Australia. The others are in France and Maine.

Its nothing uncommon just some Garage rock and beach music. Amazon has two of them...
I will share in a player on this page when ive located some of the seemingly non existent mp3 files.

Till then


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The latest (LIFE-RING!!)

so this hasn't been a great last two weeks. I didnt want to make a crazy sad post about it but I did I just didnt publish it. It is titled "He broke my heart and will probably never know"
In short the crush is no longer so much of a crush. A top that I am no longer willing to go through with my follow up plan of making him just a friend. Ive had some time to come to grips with it but it is still hard to write this. I just dont think he is worth it anymore. He at least proved him self to not be. Is this the last we will ever hear of him? More than likely unless I post the rather rambly post written over those two weeks as things went down hill. Most portions of which were written over tears, but for now let this be the calm end to suffering, questioning, wondering, and all of those good feelings that did come through having known him. For now I need to drag my brain off of him and away far away. Distractions sent to my inbox would undoubtedly be the best help a guy could get right about now. It doesn't help that after all that time waiting my french teacher sat us next to each other.


A top all that these last two weeks have been a drag and drag drag they did. They are still dragging (stupid weeks). Freaking test after test after test, then all that crazy stuff from the outside I told you about. The weather got all cloudy and thats not helping the depression much. Did someone say St. Johns wart? Indeed they did. Is hockey still medicine when you dont want to play because that ass hole is still at the rink all the time? He put a sticker on his truck (brodoser he calls it, I call it baseball bat target) that said rink rat on it; I took it off. Hes getting on my nerves more and more everyday. Like I said he looks for trouble, he is not in it for fun, he's a goon for lack of a better definition. You bet hes gunna slip his way onto the high school team and I will just avoid conflict by not even trying out. Seriously its fuck it all at this point because there isnt one. I get out of high school and move forward. This is a speed bump I can and will elect to avoid. Im not gunna say hes fucked the game over for me because he hasnt. Ive still got friends who want to play and we can in other places. Ive done it before. Besides im more academic than athletic so this is hurting me none.

Upon reading several books on phycology and having several conversations with the phycology teacher at my school I have determined that I have an undiagnosed personality/mental disorder. Nothing to be concerned about just one of those severe passive aggressive type ones. Who am I kidding it probably is something to be worried about. Do they sell a pill to fix it because I probably wont take it based on my beliefs that I can cure my self (which I have also discovered to be bull shit). Ive gotten nowhere in trying to make my self feel better I just get walked on over all the time.

Hey guess what...Its October and ive gone bat shit crazy. This isnt supposed to happen until like March!

On my last post Austin put something in the comments that I found to help me. he said "John Galt's best advice was in telling Atlas to shrug " I found those words to really be an opinion changer. Maybe Ive just got to shrug. Life is to short to be stressing like I am and I ought to give chilling out a try. At one point just turing off like staying in bed and not caring. That honestly sounds awesome and I would normally write down such a plan in my day runner but no...this one just needs to happen when it does...infact I may start with saying screw writing everything down in the day runner for starters. Just my homework and thats it. Maybe a few other important school things but NO MORE. Good start...PROGRESS!!

God help me...blog friends help me!

Ive gone nuts...Its 8 but why not go to sleep...thats a good cure for mental aliments. Rest ought to help some. Okay lets try this relaxation thing ive been told about. It sounds pretty awesome.
Hopefully by my next post I will have regained a type of stability. Right now I liken my state to that of a large model of the Eiffel tower made of tooth picks, and a few are out of place, and its about ready to fall into its self. *breathe*

Okay later


Thursday, September 23, 2010

Hard work made Benjamin Franklin a creepy old man...oh god NO!!

These last weeks have been a challenge. I have far to many things I need to juggle. School is a huge thing that takes up time. On top of school and clubs etc I have scouts. I am SPL (Sr. Patrol leader) not for much longer (thank god) I also have an eagle project to be done! To the whole world it looks just like a simple public service project but let me tell you its anything but. I need to get it approved by a good number of people. Once the project its self is good to go I will need to gather people to help out and thats the easy part. Then we go do said project and once its done I will need to compile a big binder of pictures, signatures, data, etc. Present that to some people and go though some crazy multi level process. Once all of that is said and done I will receive a patch and little ribbon with metal eagle hanging on it, watch my mum and dad cry, see a slide show of my scouting life from 5th grade (when I was embarrassingly round) to now and then go home rather proud, but not before cake has been served! My scoutmasters wife makes awesome carrot cake for every eagle court of honor and it is the most awesome stuff! Its worth its weight in gold I swear. She always asks the eagles to be what they want Im saying that is my top want...that and Dr pepper.
Anyway. The situation continues. Just a bunch of stuff going on. More abnormal depression. I keep most of my emotions to my self in public so sorry if I spill a bit to much. Im the type of person who everyone thinks is the happiest most worry free person on the planet. Seriously I find my self smiling when I would rather be frowning and being an ass hole to people. Just out of decency I keep a happy ora about me. That makes people want to be around me and talk to me but it always turns into them talking to me about all that is troubling them. I feel like atlas holding the burden of the world on his shoulders. Hopefully this all lightens up by next year because I could not throw college apps on top of all of this crap. The eagle thing will be done by like... January so I think I should be fine seeing that that is the bulk of the worry as of now.
My life has become a bit dull as of late and I dont know whats up. Im not going out like I used to and what not and its making me a bit nuts. It seems like everybody's crazy busy and has no time for anything or they all have time when I can make none but when I can they all cant make any. I need some fun around here. Ive been trying to get some friends of mine to come to the football games on fridays but none of them have time. Tonight after the game im going to a pizza place with some friends so that will hopefully fill the void. This weekends got a few fun(ish) things going on. It will all turn to the better soon (I hope).

HOCKEY!!! YES!!! OCTOBER is here (almost) and that means hockey is getting close! Ive been following all this preseason build up stuff and its making me excited! *jitters*
Ive got a person I can talk hockey with in almost every class period too AWESOME! Im feeling a good season for all.

Its friday! I like the sound of that. I plan to not have my alarm go off tomorrow morning and sleep in as long as my body wants to! Thats a real treat!

For now im off to enjoy the remainder of the afternoon. I might just lurk the football game alone. I will find someone to sit with eventually.

As always there will be plenty more to be said in the future.



P.S. The title was a thought that came to mind while reading his autobiography. As I read I discovered he and I share some similar ideals and work ethic. All I could think of all that while was how he turned out at the end of the day. Alright for the most part but there were a few illegitimate children and other creepy things. Lucky for him history has whittled him down to the sort of American demigod he is today. Being on the $100 bill never hurt anyone.

Friday, September 17, 2010

where did you go? oh yeah thats right

Hey all. Ive been in school for 8 days now! wow how the time goes by...so freaking slowly. ugh. Still pretty shell shocked by all the crap going on.
Im pretty bothered by school life to be honest with you. School is not the problem it is the people. Im fine in school, this week we had a quick test to see what we knew about the united sates. Here I am mr shy guy and the teacher calls me out because I got all 50 states and capitals right and all 44 presidents and their vices correct, and here are the students calling me out and calling me a freak because I know all that. Now yes...I agree I am some freak of nature but its only freaky because its uncommon. Its a "gift" to have a memory like mine but believe me its not all milk and cookies (I will save that for a later post).
So I started last week mid week and that was a long couple of days. Where is the crush? ive got him in french (one class only) lucky for me thats the longest class of the day however I sit as far away as I possibly can from him but we are in eye shot so its all good.
There was a football game last week and I went with a few friends so that was a bit of a boost in the morale department. Today there was also I game but I couldn't find anyone to go with. I tried to get my goalie friend to come but he didnt want to being mr "I graduated". At any rate I talked to him today (he came to visit after school). We had a fun time poking around the school for a while and talking to people. He wanted to see who this crush of mine is so we looked for him but he was nowhere to be found and seen. The goalie friend is pretty much everything I have ever been told about as far as how people act after they know you're not straight. I kept hearing him catch him self like "dude thats ga...stupid" I find that to be a nice touch even though I dont give a crap. We drove around a bit and he went off and caught him self and I laughed "I cant help it!" he said. I cant really blame him, everyone says it and for the most part I could care less. Its when people start being evil and ignorant that I get pissed. Hes a good guy though. He continues to tell me everything is alright even though thats pretty clear. He knows me for who I am and thats pretty cool.

thats a pretty sweet rendition of that song if you ask me.
As over played and covered as it is im somehow able to find a nice new rendition of it every now and again.

Ive been breaking in a baseball glove for someone. Yeah pretty random I know but I like to. The picture is of the most expensive baseball glove. We were talking about it today. Its pretty stupid. Its made of aged Italian leather and to me seems more like a fancy purse than a good glove but whatever. I got it all shaped up for him now im working it in. Its one of those things I do for people on the side and have earned a following because im awesome at it apparently. People ask me to break them in at all sorts of random times too like this one ive been loving on now or those random ones I will get mid season. my secret? I dont think I have one. Just know how to shape the pocket and your good. Why am I talking about this?

Ive decided now that tomorrow morning I am making crepes

that means I haven't really got anything else to say other than that im happy to be alive. I guess life just comes along with the upperclassman-ship. Its the underclassmen who should be in fear for their lives. So we are good life with the package deal and a headachy class schedule. Big woot for that one. Nice going Tyler!

Considered trying out for volleyball though I have a feeling that will end in more misery than fun. Ill stick to being a spectator. Better to keep an eye on my crush eh?




Friday, September 3, 2010

my mother knows me too well

After all she is my mother but its hard to keep cool when shes trying to figure me out. Its even harder when she starts playing J Edgar Hoover and poking and prodding then calling my bluff. She can totally tell when im lying and thats making her scary at the moment. She can read my body language like a book and that doesn't help when she comes home and Im tutoring my crush and for the most part my subconscious seems to have full control over my body.

For the most part im able to keep relatively cool around my crush. I feel that melty happy sensation all over when he's near and I come close to losing it but I dont lose it. Add my mother to the equation and suddenly I know im being read and I start losing my cool. I cant say why but when ever my parents are lurking about I cant relax as easy. Of course she lurked around in the kitchen (I was tutoring him the little dinning room thing within eye shot of the kitchen) far longer than normal watching me like a hawk as she put away groceries and randomly changed the position of a hand towel. All the while Im trying to help the crush and stay cool while she questioningly looks on and pretends shes not.

He left our house but he left his pen and notebook behind (hmm) I texted him and told him. A good 15 minutes later I got excited to see his name in my inbox. "Oh darn. Ill come back in a few" he said.
My mom instantly began asking me questions.

Let me step back a bit. I am not the sort who goes way out of my way to help people with school work. I will help people, but not to the extent that Ive been helping this crush of mine and my mom picked up on that real quick.

"Is he giving you drugs?"
"yeah mom does he really look that sketchy?"
"do you like his sister or something?"
hahaha "errr...mom stop"

she stopped. Then he came back to pick his stuff up he came to the door and I answerd it and told him Id go to my room and get his stuff (id moved it there to inspect it just incase there was some type of love note inside so I could keep it away from my moms prying eyes. Im hopeful okay) I made the mistake of being kind and letting him in because my mother swooped in like a hawk. I could hear her from my room.
"do you have any siblings?"
"yeah. a younger brother"
That got me to sprint over and break those two up. I walked him out to his waiting ride and gave him both my note book and his. Mine so he can copy the necessary notes. Yeah. Im letting him copy me. If you knew me like everybody you would know its absolutely out of character for me to let somebody copy my work. I let my crush through that boundary though because hes A) cute above all things B) I know he can be trusted C) ive gotta let him in somehow and hes deserving enough.

I read some body language out there on the drive way. I hate to make assumptions about this guy but its hard not to. He seems to enjoy chatting. I was trying hard not to melt on my driveway. He took both note books, complimented my house, then with a friendly reach slightly out of his way because im standing just a bit more than his arms length away from him. I patted my shoulder and gave it a bit of a squeeze that got my heart rate fluttering. Even when he stumbled slightly in doing it he was overly adorable.

Sunday he returns for more tutoring fun...lunch perhaps?

J Edgar (my mom) hopefully wont be giving us a hard time. She likes him...just seems suspicious about how im so good to him. She always tells me which of my friends she thinks are good looking. Its kinda...very creepy but the crush gets her seal of approval. You know its good when its mom good.

"coffee crisp... it makes a nice light snack" (sorry it needed to go here)

alright enough Mummy/crush talk.

Sunday Sunday Sunday



Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Wait...I did what?

I would like to open this post with a quote from Taylor's blog which, as you may know, he recently wrapped up. "Just because you're gay, it doesn't make you any less of a man" That quote stuck with me for quite a while. The moment I read it I scribbled it down in my book of thoughts, that journal that keeps my head clear, and about a day ago it came back to me from a source I would have never expected at a time I would have never expected.
I have a good friend that I recently made. Recently being my freshman year in high school. He graduated out this last year but we still talk. Just regular buzz back and forth. We had a class together for the last two years (my Freshman & Soph years his Jr & Sr. years). He's really cool to talk to and one of the nicest people I know. Hes that hockey goalie friend some of you might remember me talking about a while back.
He and I were texting back and forth a few days ago and he asked me if there was anyone at school I liked. He knows me pretty well so Im guessing he figured if he was gunna get anything out of me it was going to be after he graduated and I didnt need to see him everyday. I didnt feel like lying so I said "yeah, I like someone quite a lot".
Of course he asked who. I told him I really didn't want to say. He pulled a "ah come on bro, just tell me" and I maintained my "no" as I wondered what I had gotten my self into. "dude who is she?" I stared at the screen with a bit of a smirk "nobody" I replied. "Is it a dude"...that shut me up fast. I couldn't tell if he was joking or if he was serious. Within that thought he sent another text "Im serious. Is it a guy?". Hes one of those friends I felt I could tell anything to but could I tell him this? I strayed away from it. He noticed and said "thats not gunna work". "yeah, if youre gunna dig and poke yeah".... "so you are gay?" he replied back. There it was; the label I hate so much stamped on my forehead and there I was pidgin holed. "Yeah" I send back feeling majorly fucked. "and why would you cover that up for so long?" He went on to tell me hes cool with it because he has a gay uncle and has be raised to not judge. He told me he knew something was bothering me that I couldn't talk about but I didnt know it was "this". He really is the nicest person. I told him how I hate the label or for people to assume that im lesser than or just another stereotype. He reminded me that he knows who I am though and that he knows im not a stereotype or lesser in any way. Then he said it "dude, just because you're gay, that doesn't mean you're any less of a man." and he told me he knows that rings true for me.

I went to bed feeling awkward, and like though he said all that I may have freaked him out a bit. The next day I woke up with a text from him saying he wanted to meet up on the ice for a bit of a stick and skate and talk. Im not one to pass up any ice time so I got him to pick me up and take me up there. (save gas CARPOOL!) We had a good chat and a good skate. He assured me I didnt freak him out and that I have nothing to worry about. My secret is safe with him.

Well...I think thats coming out isnt it? lol I didnt think it would happen this soon or with a hockey buddy but it happened.

As for that quote, I still love it. I am putting it somewhere in my blog if you find it you win a live performance by The Zambonis! (no seriously) just click on the thing that all hockey games are divided into.

Ive got the crush coming over tomorrow so expect more news soon.

till then



Friday, August 27, 2010

registration day

So yesterday was the day I took in all my paperwork and payed for everything that needed paying for, picked up my books, and got a tentative class schedule. whew. Jr Year is right around the corner (11th grade). Pretty cool stuff. SO I could not escape the day without seeing my crush. It looks like our many conversations have made us friendlier. He followed me around kinda just broski palling around. The normal things that he does that can make me smile. We parted ways when he went to get his schedule because they were in different rooms (by last name) but we ran in to each other again when I was in line for a schedule change I was hoping he would join me but he just had to pop in an drop something off. Go figure. I didnt see his schedule so I dont know how that is. Ill ask him for it later. I know we will have french next year for sure. I can only hope for more. I sat on a bench for a bit to try to ease some of my anxiety. I saw him walking over to his locker and on the way some girl ran over and started talking to him and I was like...to my self, get the hell away hes mine, and I tackled her with my mind. He later walked over to me and asked where my locker is and I said and why. He just kinda said "oh im thinking of trading mine out." All the while im thinking..."and why would you need to know where mine is?" Pretty cool stuff if you ask me.
Sometimes I wish I could get really drunk and text him everything I want him to know and have no second thoughts about it and just see how it plays out. One day ive gotta just take a chance. I came so close that one time.
I keep having dreams about him. Amazing dreams I often wake up crying after. When, how, what, where do I tell him though? Even then there is no 100% here.
I know ive thought when I graduate I will tell him. That gets us somewhere in knowing that the one thing keeping me down is nervousness and knowing regardless of the out come I would need to see him the next day.
I like him a lot and you all know and can tell. Ive just gotta do something about all that love and like so I can stop telling you how much I like him and show and tell him how much I like him. One of these days. Ive got 170 days till Valentines day. Idk it might be stupid to wait that long. Or it might be stupid to tell him anything at all. Then again it might be awesome. I feel like Im getting torn apart between what is logical and attainable and some other force I cant identify. Thus I am confused.

Im just a simple t-shirt wearing, sport loving, relatively normal American boy. I may be more studious and tense than most but when its all whittled down Im alike. I can liken the crush and I to A Separate Peace, thats why I liked the book so much. Im the studious hard worker, hes the fun loving easy goer that things come easy to. He and I are alike but at the same time just as polar in personality as Gene and Finny though we get along well somehow. Im just better around him more content than with anybody else. Hes easy to talk to what ever it is we are talking about. Hes one of the few people I can talk to who actually makes me feel "cool" while talking to them.
Our talks are rare but they are fantastic.

His friends are not the best of mine I will admit that.

As long as I can be friends with him and build on that I think we will be okay. I think thats the way I would want it. To be friends first and to really have a buddy rather than some dude you met, like, and made out with. To me I would feel used and like Im using them. I imagine that would help keep a steady(er) relationship. To know about someone is better. Playing it safe I guess.

I know what I want and I think thats awesome. I know what I want in a guy thats for sure. Im not too picky I just know what I want or what works for me. I feel almost like I dont need to "mess around" or at least dont need much of that to know whats right for me. Im not saying I have my mind made up. Im more saying I know what I want, and as if I wished it into life it goes to my school. Thats not to say if this doesnt work out I might not find it elsewhere, but believe me if it doesnt turn out ideally...you are going to hear from me and its not going to be a fun post.
Well this turned into a more all about my crush post. I was hoping I could fit something else into here but its become specialized so I will save all that for another post.
Ive got plenty of stuff in my head so you wont need to wait long.

Whats up with todays picture? Nothing really. Add your own symbolism. My blog has been lacking hockey of late so there he be.



Thursday, August 19, 2010

if I say it enough does it become truth?

Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay.

Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight.

yeah screw that its never gonna work.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

he talked to me first

So this has been written over the course of two days. Follow the dates and times.

8/16 11:50pm
the crush!

Hes been talking to me a lot more lately. I made an account on this crazy chat thing and he was the first person to add me, and he added me unprompted so even cooler!!! Its about 2am now weve been talking pretty much non stop on text chat. Hes told me he knows if we got on a video chat we would end up taking for hours and hours. So cute. Ive been helping him fill out an application for work at the gap. its cute to just chat with him like this. He started up at about 11pm. He asked for the French HW to check that he had it all. Ive sorta been hoping there is something missing so I can help him out with it. He gets me all lovey and I cant help but write my feelings down like this. I think I like it though.
8/16 10pm
So I wrote all that early in the morning. We went on until 3:30am. Pretty nice if you ask me. He promised me some video chat time too in the near future.
We talked some tonight. He invited me over! He invited me over!!! I had to say that twice.
I hope he gets that job at the gap so I can lurk. I dont even shop there but I can sure lurk like a pro there. They sell a grapefruit perfume my mom likes. She might be getting a lot of grapefruit perfume from me.

Ive gotta get back to talking to him.

8/17 1am
So some time has passed

its hard to blog and chat at the same time.

Hes amazing.

well whats the update I mentioned in my last post?

It is about this crush of mine and how he continues to provide me with months of confusion.

I have been making progress as far as moving him into the friend group thats for sure. At the same time ive been learning a lot about him. At the same time its stuff I already know though like how he can get away with crazy stuff (often at the expense of my emotions).
To put it simply I cant figure out what his sexuality is. Is he interested in me or just being nice? Why is he so damn weird? Hes never had a girlfriend before...hmmm.
Ive been investigating and all it is is raised eyebrow after raised eyebrow. Ive given up in a way and ive been enjoying what ever time we have as what I think is friends now. (Pretty sure)

8/17 3pm
Ive been grumbling over him internally for a while now, I probly shouldn't go this long with out airing some of my thoughts and feelings.
I have had a quite a time trying to figure him out thats for sure. Like I said now that its a bit easier to talk to him and he isn't as distant as he was before I can start to make sense of him, and not panic over every small confusing bomb he drops.
He happens to be going to the same place I will be going this coming week (another trip) same hotel and everything. A whole bunch of people we know are going too so some hang out time has been planned. He said expect a bunch of phone calls while we are out there. Pool time anyone? Woot to that.
Ive discovered hes a heck of a lot smarter and more mature than I thought and I already thought he was pretty smart and mature to start. Its definitely something im attracted to because (not to toot my own horn) Im a little more grounded mentally and I look for people who are equal because they tend to be the only ones who I can connect with. Hes good at making me loosen up and that tends to be pretty hard to do. It seems like I get more and more relaxed and can enjoy more and more when I talk to him. Thats probably why I liked french so much.
So we planned for tomorrow. We will meet at the mall and then go to his house and play Mario Kart! Woot woot!!

Outside of this little dream boat of a crush ive got...

Hockey clinic! Training camp! AWESOMENESS!

I will have a nice busy schedule full of hockey.
Let me tell you something...
There is this guy. I dont care for him very much but he was in my scout troop and we hung out sometimes etc. Now hes jumped on the hockey band wagon and hes becoming a bit of a hockey douche. A reason why I enjoy hockey to no end is its lack of ass holes. They exist but for the most part people get competitive but have fun. The ass holes are the ones who aren't really in it for fun they are the ones who roll out on to the ice and pick fights with everyone, show off, basically mess it up for everyone. A reason I dont really care for him is because of his lack of inhibitions and how he got onto this train so quickly and how he expects greatness all of the sudden. He picked up the lingo from a few of his friends who had brought him to stick time a few times, and now he thinks hes Jesus of the rink. He literally pushed me aside the other day at stick time to get onto the ice. He thinks hes better than everybody. He never knew I had been playing hockey for so long. Its one of those things I dont share too much. Literally walking softly and carrying a big stick. He uses the dumbest lingo and idioms non stop; he saw my skates and asked if my dad got a job (Im not gunna put him down for this in public but he got all his gear used at play it again I dont know if hes in a position to be saying that to me) He has literally begun to suck the fun out of the game for me. Im now in dread of going to the rink because I know he will be there. He told me im not as devoted as he is, that I dont have a heart to be playing hockey, that im a loser because im not a fighter, and that I am the band-wagon-er and I dont know anything about hockey...
I swear to god...he is bigger than me, and works out a lot, but I am nearing the point where I am going to start and end a fight with him. I have enough anger toward him that I may just do it unprompted one of these days and knock the living crap out of him and refuse to send my apologies to the bastard, but I WONT because im a good sportsman. He is gunna try out for the school team this year im sure. If he does I might not try out and not even bother because that just wont be fun. Not playing wont be fun either but I would rather stay off the ice than share it with a bully on my own team.
The situation is something I have always feared would happen to me but never has and...here it is.

He stopped math at geometry, stopped science at bio, has credit enough to graduate and thats all. Nothing above what is expected. He is proud of his C's. I hate to shoot him down like this but it just ticks me off that he likes to strut around like hes all high and mighty, and call me the loser when I am the one who is working double what he is sweating my ass off, loosing my brain and sleep over all that crap. On top of all that having internal struggle on internal struggle, social anxiety, constant nervousness, great never feeling good enough for me, and here he comes. Walks right on to the stage I feel I have worked harder than people give me credit for to be on and stay on and kicks me off. I dont want to discount what he might be going though that I dont see but it seems he hasn't got too much weighting him down. Hes one of those people who trys to look good for all the adults and teachers and make them think hes awesome but is just a total duche to everyone else.
To top off that whole shit sunday I now feel guilty and like im the ass hole for reaming him.

Lets get out of that subject

Ive got Valdres down on my trumpet now. I need to work on forming my sound a bit better though and making it sound a little more clear and refined. Clarity is hard to get but its worth it once you've got it down. Your sound becomes so bright it shines above everything else, and thats whats needed for those first notes to pop and really get the song set up right. We have one horn (me playing that) and the clarinets who sound off the traditional intro. The goal is to have the bright horn and the smooth hum of the clarinets harmonize and blend into a nice sound. I know we will get it down and it will sound awesome. We have great clarinets and a great band in general.

Dear Canadians
There were 3 amazing coronal mass ejections that came out of the sun a few days ago. One of them is going to strike a glancing blow to the van allen belts and is arriving today. You are the lucky ones who get to enjoy the aurora and it looks like this CME is going to bring the oval down south quite a bit. To Calgary they said. Its been acting up lately and showing it self but with this CME many people should be able to enjoy the awesomeness of the aurora. I have never seen it in person but I want to one day. Thats why I want all of you who can to enjoy it. Take pictures if you can and send them my way.

Speaking of pictures In the web sites I like section of my blog I have linked the Astronomy Picture of the Day. Sometimes they are pretty cool so I decided to share.

I ought to stop talking eh?

You'll hear from me soon


I just realized that tomorrows little outing with the crush might be classified as a date...im even more excited now, but I cant be in public! I can be excited here but not out there. Back to my single emotion... ... ...there we go thats better. (not really im still jittery but its convincing enough)

Monday, August 9, 2010

out for the week


So im gunna be out for the next week. I have some interesting news but that will need to wait. I hate to leave everyone in suspense but thats the way it is. Just letting you all know im still alive, but out of town.
talk when I get back


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Prop 8 = GONE!



So its gone! Prop 8 the evil law that banned gay marriage in California is gone. A judge who knew better, better being that its best to kill the thing now because its not gunna last much longer anyway, struck it down and people celebrated. Me? I just heard about it. Ive been out all day with a friend of mine and just heard about it on the news. I cant be all excited though because my parents might worry. Of course in reality im pretty damn happy! Im happy for the gay community as a whole. I dont see this necessarily befitting me directly as a Californian though. The reason being is I dont think I want to stick around in California for much longer. I do however see this benefiting me and other gay people across the nation indirectly by kinda opening up the idea to other states. California is one of those high profile states, what we do often comes on to everyones radar and perhaps we will see other states legalizing gay marriage very soon. As of right now im pretty happy to be a Californian.

In other news

[Valid news here]

Idk. Summers being good to me. Ive been flying flying flying quite a bit. Bowling a bunch even.
Just enjoying in general.

The crush and I finished the french home work a few days back. That was a cute day I must say.

I haven't got much more to say about it other n that. It was just nice to spend time with him and chat a bit. He is quite a dream boat I must say. Hypnotically cool. I just feel awesome when I talk to him and right. Relaxed especially. I just kinda morph into a more toned down and calm person around him. I love it. I think I love him...maybe too much. Something has appeared on the horizon that looks a bit dark and troubling. Ive already toyed with the idea that he may be just a crazy straight guy and told my self I would be okay with that if he was. I also told my self If I cant be his boyfriend id want to be his best friend, but thats even looking murky for various reasons. idk...Im trying to stay positive about this.

More later


Sunday, July 25, 2010

not too serious

I intend to change my blog tone up a bit. I want to feel a bit less silly if you know what I mean. I want to be a bit more serious but not too serious as far as subjects. I want to train my self a bit better in blog delivery. I can speak so well but my blog seems to lack the fluidity and clarity that my spoken word has and I would like to try to bring that into here. I also want to talk more about a wider variety of things. I would like some input so if there is anything you want to hear from me let me know. This will give my blog a back bone and should make my posts less messy and help me clear my thoughts a bit more. Seeing that hockey is not happening until later that side of the house wont be heard from for a while but there are still other sports I like to bicker over and intend to do just that. So I will keep you updated. Just like my life this blog is a work in progress. It will grow as I do and change as I do. So give me some input and I will see you all around.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Gay is an ugly word(?)/Tyler learns something/ADHD?

Yeah I said it. I hate the word to no end. Gay...I hate seeing it written, I hate seeing it on my title, I hate labeling my self as it, and I hate saying it. I thought that my whole hate of the word would be cured by this blog but I think it has gotten worse. I know its my own personal problem but thats what this blog is for discussing. I dont hate gay people...I may be a self loathing gay at times but I dont hate the people attached to it I just hate the word. This afternoon I went though all the other names to think of another word I could call my self, and other gay people just so I could deviate from the word gay. In doing this I discovered that there are no good names. Lets list:

Homosexual (eh)

There are more but Id rather not. I dont like any of them. There are people who are gay and call them selfs these but im not one of those people. It might be the negative connotation the names have in my mind or whatever but I just dont like them.
I cant even picture my self saying "yes I am gay" to anyone. Like when my crush asked (JOKINGLY) if I was gay I couldn't even answer that with a direct yes. I almost try to dissociate with the word and that might be kinda bad.
I cant imagine telling my Mom and Dad "i'm gay" I may need to be more like "I like guys"
From the Mind of a 16 Year Old Hockey Player...Who Likes Guys(?)

People will probably hate me for this but people will always hate me for something.
Understand I dont hate anyone I hate labels...

I dont necessarily hate identifying with other gay people I hate being labeled as gay and taking on the whole negative connotation of that label.

Hurray for learning while blogging!

do I need to give the "thats so gay" and why not to say it tirade?
I dont think so. Im sure you all could go on your own rant just as easy as I could.

{Is there anything more to say on this subject?}

I dont think so. I feel like I have a lot to say about a lot of things still but ive been having a hard time expressing my self as of late. Its kinda weird and out of character. The idiots who like calling me a fake sure are capitalizing on it.

I like baseball...im gunna go see if there is some on tv.

More collected thoughts later (I swear!)



Everybody seems confused about the whole crush situation. I guess that makes sense. I was not too clear on the whole subject only because its not the easiest thing for me to describe or convey in words.
He is a pretty weird person and pretty smart. Ive tried to explain that he can get away with saying things others can't etc. At the same time one can get away with saying things to him
He says "Tyler...are you gay?" He is not serious...how do I know this? I just do you can hear seriousness in his voice and this was not a serious statement. He gets away with crap like this.

But I decide to stay serious and say "I dunno why but of all people for me to tell first I decided it had to be you"
I can get away with this because im talking to him and he jokingly asked if I was gay. I can still fall back and say Im kidding if I want to (and I eventually do) and no questions will be asked.
so after he asks if im serious (most people take everything I say to be truth because I speak with conviction so I get this asked of me regularly)
I say "nah im just kidding" and its all over. No questions, nothing. We then went on to talk about random things.
Idk if this helped clear up some crap for people who may have been scratching their heads earlier.
Understand that we are pretty much back at peg one and made no progress in this conversation toward me coming out to him. Also understand that though I may have said or hinted things to him before that none of that matters and that none of that was taken seriously. All that was; was my brain on a high because I had told him something regardless of how he took it, and it was more or less a personal confirmation than a mutual confirmation. He is with the rest of the world still and does not think im gay.

Hopefully this clears a few things up.

I just have a hard time conveying all this info to the blog world. I want to but its not easy.

Also to the ass hole who is reading this and thinks they know everything thats going on in my life and thinks they have found something that looks like a deviation in the line of continuity...you haven't you're just to dumb to understand everything ive just tried to clear up, and I dont want to hear about your "findings" or how you "know im fake" in an email.

My brain hurts


Sunday, July 18, 2010

The Goings On

Plenty of news to share today. Much of which I can only share with this blog.

New picture obviously. Idk something about me and polar bears lol. On my formspring now on my blog. I wanted to drift a bit away from the whole black and white blurred hockey picture. I feel it was too reminiscent of bad times and its time for a change. I might swap this new one out later also so you never know. What do you think?

crush news.

Ive been keeping this pretty quiet and now that its not so murky I guess I ought to say something. So he and I were talking the other night, and I asked him if he could keep a secret and he told me yeah he cold and not to worry. He got my usual hell fire type of threat in which I tell him if he so much as tell anyone even a rendition of what im about to tell him I will kill him. Yeah its a bit harsh but it gets the job done. Most people would be like "OMG I. could. die." Where as with me its more like "you're gunna die" people dont mess with that. Anyway I asked him if I could call him on the phone and he said sure. At this point what ive done to my self is I have backed my self into a corner. In my mind I am set up to tell him the whole truth and im ready to come out to him knowing that if stuff spills somehow I will be able to redeam my self with machoism (Yeah I hate the world to but you do what you gotta). I have also told him im about to tell him a HUGE secret and thats something you dont just back down on and I cant come up with a bull shit lie to get my self out of it (so I thought).
By now im sweating like crazy and I pick up the phone and call him.
He picks up and we talk for a sec about something I cant remember because my attention was more on slowing my heart down and chilling out a bit to the sound of his voice. I started out with a "so ive been sitting here for a while getting all my thoughts in order and..." as if he knew what I was about to say he broke in with "Tyler...are you gay? is that what this is all about because im pretty good with closet out comeings" I dont think he was serious at this point it didnt sound like it but I knew I had to stay serious. I calmly and seriously said "well I thought it through and decided of all people who needed to be first it had to be you" His reaction wasn't bad but as you will see we quickly changed course (thanks a lot subconscious). "wait what?! You're kidding...your friggen kidding right?" Who knows where he was going but my brain wanted to get away and It said "Yeah I am" (IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT!!) his reaction was like "whoa man" I stopped my self from going back and trying to be serious again. I dont think he would have thought I was serious after that. I somehow came up with another "big secret" that involved nothing of consequence. We did talk for quite a bit however, and made plans for the next day. He seems to be getting cooler with me which is awesome. I still dont know if he's gay or not but I dont think so but im not 100% sure one way or the other. DAMN IT I still want to come out to him seriously and let him know I am dead serious and that I like him!
Idk where to go with that but thats whats up there and I feel badly about it all except for that we are getting cooler with each other thats good.

Other thing! New layout!
As you can see ive gotten rid of that old thing that often brought back haunting memories I will not go into but I think we all know what I mean. I like this one. Its got a view from the top, it looks optimistic and easy on the eyes, best of all its got a plane (wing) in! It feels more true to me and I like it.

As you may or may not know I play the trumpet for my school band and I recently talked our drum major into playing the song that is now in the background of my blog. That horn bit you hear at the start will be played by yours truly! The drum major doesnt know that im not that good so ive gotta get that part down so I dont embarrass my self. Its a short bugle call basically...in fact I think norway uses it for something. Im good with bugle calls (bugle merit badge over here) That oughta be a fun'n to learn and fast too. oye. I got my self into it so Is should be fine. The march is called The Valdres march. Because im a nerd I like marches. I work out to John Phillip Sousa more often than I problly should but it works. I fell in love with Valdres the moment I heard that horn then those bars are sampled though out the song. If its executed just right it can be one of the most stunningly awesome pieces but if its done wrong it can sound like crap. I think our band can do it. We have strong sections so I think we should sound awesome.

Todays picture is of Valdres, the area in Norway for which the march is named. Norway is one of the many places id love to visit. Excuse the topless woman bike rider it was one of the better pictures of the Valdres visit Norway had and I decided to share.

Anything else?


Ive got a lot of trumpet practicing to do!

That bugle call you may have heard if you popped on my blog a bit ago was a call for retreat and regroup. It reflected my situation with the crush at the time. Recalling the troops to regroup and decide how we will handle the situation.


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

How many times a day do you feel like just asking him out on a date? I say take the leap life is too short.. just be safe

A few times a day. I really really want to, but im just worried about all that can go wrong vs all that can go right.

Ask me anything

From Formspirng

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

To my friends north of the 49th

Hello all!

I would like to stress the idea of friendship and exercise some international diplomacy here for a bit. Lets see how this goes (another 1am-er)

We all recognize our differences and most chose to find those great similarities to share and I would like to encourage more of that. We may be of different nations, feel bound to our traditions, governments, cultures, etc but in the end we are all humans living on the same continent. We both got here in the same way, fought wars to stay, bought some, took some, argued with our selves at some points even, but look at our beautiful boarder...the largest unmilitarized border in the world in fact its also the longest in the world period...8,891 km. If that doesnt scream friendship I dont know what does. I take great pride in my nation as you do yours im sure however for as much national pride that exists and even competition at times if you look upon our histories up till the current day we are essentially the same people just living under another flag. Had the United States' history not taken such a dramatic turn in the late 1700s we would be the same people...under the same monarch, perhaps even considered one nation. We could have been together however history split us apart.
When I say I love you all I mean it. You are not all only my great friends to the north but you are my brothers and sisters, as it is said on the peace arch, from the same mother.
I will admit...I am a fan of Tim Horton's, I love poutine, I have a KD Lang and Celine Dion album hidden under my bed (yeah), and you didn't think I was taking french to speak to the french did you? What else can I say about you? You are the kindest most accepting people I know and I can say this in a universal way quite comfortably. Not one canadian I have met has been anything but kind and loving and friendly. Why us Americans to the south didn't turn out quite like you I don't know.
You're all easy to talk to and just generally nice and good people all around.
You are all hard workers. Im sorry its so common for us to make fun of you. I try not to and if I do its all in good fun eh? Yet another confession I have to make is that I often use eh in my regular speech that sounds Canadian to begin with in most peoples opinions, but I dont over use it like those ass holes who like to taunt you.
Your Prime Minister poses with kittens and thats awesome! Your Governor General has a sweet heart and isn't scared to cry on tv. On top of that they have proven to be good politicians and kept Canada buoyant in turbulent waters.
You are one of the happiest countries and thats an accomplishment in its self.
You have HOCKEY!! (we have it too yeah but you have more!)
You may criticize your country as I do mine but from the outside looking in you all look like a bunch of great people!
Why dont I live with you? Idk I enjoy being American odd to some im sure but thats the way it is. I get by just fine living like you so I guess I wouldnt mind living with you, but do you really need another goon like me?
If I could visit you all I would.
Too all of you who have helped me,the Americans and Europeans too because you all deserve my love and thanks. I send all my best your way, all my heart and spirit I send along as well. You have all been the best of friends to me. We may have never met in person but one day we will.
You have taught me a lot.
In the words of my president Andrew Jackson (I think he was quoting the bible but Im sure it sounded awesome when he said it)
"I hope to see you soon, and we will talk face to face"

Andrew Jackson also said
"My dear children, and friends, and servants, I hope and trust to meet you all in heaven, both white and black."
but I thought that was a bit to dramatic and you probably would think I was gunna off my self.