Pause

Im gunna take a break from this blog for a bit. I will still get e-mail and will try to respond to valid emails.

Thank you to all who have commented and helped me and others though this rough spot. I hope that as I can help everyone a little more too as time goes on.

have a good one and have faith.

Tyler

Death of a friend

So it ends the worst week ever filled with the worst news ever. This worst week ever gets to be capped off with what may be the worst news of the worst news.

Im siting here crying. CRYING! Because someone died today. Someone I found to be a guiding ray of light in the world of shit and nonsense I live in. Crying for someone who wont even have a funeral because all this time this someone was never truly there. The ups and downs...the relation, the freedom, the hope provided all for a good cause but who cant help but feel cheated? Here I am thinking how amazing that someone exists who is willing to reach out and help all these people. So many people all reached individually helped forward in their own ways and I was so happy to get to be one of those people. I felt lucky to know such a person and in such a short amount of time grow fonder and closer to this person. Today a friend has died that is what has happened.

Death is final. Absolutely final and it is the finality of death that gets me. You think you will hear more later or get an update soon but that wont come. It wont even come in the afterlife because the deceased was never real to begin with. Is this a joke? I keep asking my self. Somebody tell me this is a nasty joke. The saddest part is that one of the things that kept me going in a rough spot like this was knowing I could come home and read yet another blog post that I could relate to.

Even worse I get to grieve and be sad all weekend and know one will even know why.

Im a mixed bag right now. Im shocked, sad and still crying. I cant think right now. Its to real to be fake. This kind of emotion doesn't come from nothing. The community is all we have left. The community is great but the fact I will never get to say thank you to the face of our friend is heart breaking.

A whole community is grieving right now all because their friend died.

Is this a joke? Im still in disbelief. Pissed off too.

Im sorry if im not making sense but how can I?

How can I make sense when im sitting here crying.

I know im not alone but suddenly I feel alone. Like all my faith in humanity is gone.

I feel worse knowing there are more of us though. Its like a massive family and extended family all grieving at once.

The hopelessness of this situation is ridiculous. Im pretty much back at square one. I can remember the community still exists we can help each other yes, but here I am back to the start. What was all of that worth?

I took time to make a video wishing someone who doesn't exist a happy 18th birthday.

Here I am still crying.

The ocean upon which I sail

was lit by a shinning beacon.

its guiding light

true and bright

shined down

on my empty sea.

Down it shone

and guided me

though the agony

of the choppy sea.

Today the light did not come on

nor did it the day before.

the bulb is dead

and cant be lit.

alone am I

once more.

Tyler

Is it friday yet?

It is dangerous for me to not blog during weeks like this one. I think weeks go by slowly when I dont have a whole lot to do...like this one. I cant say its been as bad as last week but its pretty tough to get up in the morning. I hate weeks like this where im just crazy under motivated. The weather isnt helping either. Its all cold and cloudy and windy.

On the up side of things Ive had a good personal week. If It wasnt for school and shit weather I think this week would be pretty awesome.

I got some new wheels for my rollerblades cuz when its spring and the weather is better than it is now I rollerblade rollerblade rollerblade! Roller hockey is also a fun possibility.

Today is my day off of hw. Im pretty happy about that cuz I honestly cant take much more of it this week. Im in that state where im just a gel and cant do a whole lot more.

Crush has come back! YES!!!

That made today all the better. I think he may have saved me from loosing it.

Seriously the kids a stud. I have been anonymously asking him stuff on his formspring to try to figure him out. He gave me lemonade and a croissant the other day at this food day/fair thing we had at school. He seems to know that I like lemonade cuz hes given me lemonade before. I think its cute.

All week ive been in a weird mood. You couldn't tell Im stressed cuz its one of those strange giddy moods I get in sometimes. Its kinda nice cuz I dont get people telling me I look like shit.

I found a gray hair on my head the other day. Thanks school!

Im pretty hard working and get real serious with my school, but im actually pretty chill even in school. Everyone knows im like a crazy grade grabber, credit monkey, gpa nazi, etc but I dont let it show so people dont care. Some people let it show and I think that weirds people out (I know it freaks me out) I freak my self out some times actually, but I dont let it freak other people out.

So thats about all my craziness for today.

Later

Tyler

Oh todays pic. CA SRte 17 If im not mistaken it runs between Santa Cruz and San Jose (go sharks? nah.) Well anyway, its California and the #17. qui est mon numero!

C'est fini

"In Erins cause"/what?

Im feeling my Irish side today. Often times when I get very caught up in conversation my accent changes. Lots of people say I normally sound Canadian and sometimes when I get very serious I start going into this strange Scotch brogue that will oscillate between Canadian and an Irish brogue like thing. Its tolly uncontrollable and I have no clue why I have a different accent than everybody else around here or where I managed to get them from. Sometimes I sound like a normal californian but mostly people think Im from Canada. I dunno why *takes sip from maple syrup bottle*. My parents have always said that I must have been Canadian in a past life, and most people question my Americanness. Yea cuz im tolly a Canadium spy stealing Americum secrets and giving them to the RCMP.

Well anyway my strange Irish side was present today. Not the accent cuz that only comes round once in a blue moon, but I had this Irish song stuck in my head and was humming it to my self on the way home today.

I try to be more multi cultural than the average bear.

I dont have a heck of a lot to say today actually. Its monday and im pretty tired. I came home and did some hw and basically just rollerbladed around until now.

Im reading my history book and I just laugh out loud at the United States' good neighbor policy. I love our mentality. I think we are trying our best to be good neighbors but I dont think all of our neighbors would agree. like Manuel Noriega I cant imagine him thinking we are the best neighbors. just saying.

Im feeling really goofy today for some reason. Like earlier I was really out of it and uncoordinated and now im just real giddy and strange.

Thats a good sign that I should stop

As always

Tyler

What does stress do to you?

I couldn't think of a better title for this post...well "paranoia" but that would make me seem more crazy than I really am right now.

In a way this is an explanation for my strange behavior over the last week or so. I dont know if anyone really noticed, but I think it would be pretty apparent something was up if you were someone who knew me. A bunch of my friends have noticed I have been acting weird as of late and its bothering me more than it is them.

Recently I have been under huge pressure between school, sports, and some family stuff and its really stressing me out. I can keep a cool head for so long but it starts showing when Im not getting enough sleep. Thats pretty much it for me. Stress + lack of sleep = uh oh. So if you have noticed things not making sense in my few blog posts this week or perhaps some strange thoughts I have had that relate to nothing (me over thinking stuff etc) thats what it is. Im turning back the other way so I should be better soon. Im gunna try to get more sleep in too.

So whats stressing me out so much? Ive just got a ton on my plate right now. I picked my classes for next year last week and that was a long and confusing process cuz california is poor and we are now short on councilors and had to have all of our course selection sheets ready and in by yesterday. I was tossed from class to class as they filled spots and got enough people in what ever classes. hopefully everything is gunna work out. I ended up getting pressured into a taking a few more APs next year. I feel bad for all the councilors and teachers at school. A pretty good number of them are getting let go. I dont know how next year is gunna work out but Im sure it will some way or another.

On the sports side of things life is a bit less bleak looking and confessing but stressful never the less. My bud is still bummed about not getting played and continuing to not get played makes him worse. He feels cheated all around and all of that falls on me cuz Im the listener. I am the sort who will listen to everyone needs to say and make everyone feel better yet somehow I also take on everyones grief in the process and make so many issues my own. Idk how but thats the way I always operate. So the poor guy feels like his sister had everything handed to her on a silver platter when she played soft ball and took no offers cuz her heart wasnt in it yet he hasnt got the same for hockey when he really loves it. I know how he feels sadly enough. I feel the same about my brother so it kinda gets to me too. I just feel so bad for him cuz he looks so pissed out on the bench. I wanna do something for him but I cant. I could say something to the coach but I dont think hes gunna change his mind. Idk but its like hes got something against him.

On the family side I have a grandmother who isnt doing to well...or hasnt been doing to well but has been recovering over the last month from a stroke and shingles. She doing crazy better now and is coming home from a care home on monday and my parents are going to go see her. Im glad shes doing well now but it was hard when she wasn't cuz everyone was so sad and grouchy.

School work load has gotten bigger in prep for the AP exams too but thats not too much of an issue for me but a contributing factor most def.

On the up swing I went out for sushi last night with some buds of mine and thats always a good way of treating my self. We had a good time and it was a great change of pace and chance to unwind for a bit. This weekend is full of relatively nothing just a great two days for me to chill out and get my self back to normal.

Im pretty much done for now

will talk more later

Tyler

Play hockey and make friends!

This has been a pretty wild week to say the least. In my last post I said my crush would not be gone this week however it turns out he is! Hes gone until next week and that is not cool! I love how im so infatuated with this kid its great.

Hockey game last night...not good. It was a loss. It was worse today cuz a really good friend of mine and awesome goalie on our team has not been getting played as often as he was last year and its kinda got him bummed out. I feel bad cuz he really loves the game and is constantly trying to get better. Ive known him for a while and hes one of the people who really wants to get better and possibly go pro, and for him not getting played and watching the team lose is like a huge punch in the face. He was really quiet today. It kinda sucks cuz im as sure as anybody else that had he been in the net we would have won. I think he knows that too and that only makes him feel worse. I hope he gets played tonight and that we win cuz that will really bring him up.

In other sports news. Angels played the Yankees today and won so thats great! Now tonight Yotes play the wings (please note wings is not capitalized) so hopefully they win and dont get ousted from the playoffs so quickly. People at school are actually praying that either the kings or the Yotes will make it to the final and play for the cup. I think that either would be pretty freaking awesome, but its not the most likely thing to happen.

!sensitive subject matter ahead, proceed with caution!

I noticed something the other day that has me thinking. Its also got me feeling bad about where I live and other stuff. So a separate peace, Mikeys blog, and a few buds from out in the east got me thinking about the idea of best friends. It seems everyone from everywhere but my little nook of California recognizes the fact they have a best bud that they do everything with. Now I have one I think everyone does however for what ever reason we refuse to recognize that fact. Like most everyone I know has that one awesome person they have known for forever and can tell anything to, but for what ever reason you never hear people around here calling them best friends or even seeming to mention the value of their friendship to each other like so many people I know do. I feel like its cheapened the relationship a bit. I could tell my best friend that he is but then people will think im gay. It idea seems to fit into the "thats gay" category. I dont even know if its just my school or what ever but nobody around her seems to value their best friends as much as everyone else does.

I dont even know why I care but I do. Seriously though California needs to lighten up just a bit. Its prolly just my city or neighborhood even. Idk, I may just not be crazy enough to live here.

Off to the game later tonight.

got some homework to do, wish me luck.

later

Tyler

Spring break ends

AAUGH!

Back to school today! Its alright though cuz I had a good enough break. I just lied through my teeth. I want break to continue! Today was like back to realty and now we are all stuck with our minds set to friday. Good news is I have two games this week! One game tomorrow and the other Wednesday.

Tonight is practice, but its not a bad practice its one of the good pre game warm up like practices.

Today my world history ap teacher told us this is when the hell starts because we are a month away from our AP exam so he has begun to prepare us by making us write essays and stuff. He is all "you will be crying in pain by the time its all over but you will all have passed the exam". $10 says my hockey coach will say something similar tonight. His thing is to remind us of pain just and how unpleasant it is before he puts us in pain during one of the bad practices. Hes a great coach though I must say, and he really wants us to do well both on and off the ice which is cool.

So back in school means back to the crush.

He is leaving for his thingy next week though not this week like I had thought. Its a new quarter at school and that means new seats in french. Hopefully this time she will put me with him!

I haven't got a heck of a lot to say today so I think Im gunna call it done. Got some homework to do anyway. not a lot thank god. Then off to practice.

See ya

Tyler

Random poem

Madeleine asked for me to put up some more of my poems. I will put up more of the hockey epic later too but for now here is another bizarre poem of mine. I never title anything so just kinda let it start.

On edge he sat

his eyes captives of the flames.

quiet and still

on his comfortable perch

alone on the hill.

in his eyes was the fire,

in his mind was something more.

things the world never did once implore.

in meditative trance,

his eyes to the flame.

alone in the dark he remained.

in darkness he stayed.

in dark, and dark

for thousands of days.

Thoughts came to mind

of a world beyond the darkness

in which he lay.

One of many

not just one.

one of color,

clear sky,

and room to run

one he thought

to be just behind him,

but from the flames

he could not turn away.

This world he knew

was not for him.

too distant...

far far away.

so high on his hill

he would remain.

eyes on his fire

waiting for day.

© 2010 by Tyler/hkydude17

kachina dolls etc

Kachina dolls first, etc second.

So while in Arizona I was determined to find a native american shop so I could buy a Kachina doll, and that wasn't hard at all. pretty much every town had some guy who made/sold them so I ended up with a few. The guy up there looks a bit like the first one I got. Its an ascending eagle. I liked it cuz it is connected to the spirt of the eagle and hopefully now he will be more helpful to me in my flying. Unfortunately the picture up there is a bit crapy and I think mine looks cooler anyway. I would take a pic of mine but Im way to lazy to right now.

I also got a sun face kachina at another shop. The guy who made that one also made smaller novelty like ones and he had a hockey kachina so I picked up that one too. So now I have three pretty sweet looking kachinas

Now time for etc.

So today has been...okay. I went to the beach cuz I noticed I had a pretty bad farmer tan. I think all the sun I got in Arizona made it worse but its going away now. Did some more homework...I think its all done now actually. I also seem to randomly be getting outside magazine again. I dont know why but I am.

I rollerbladed by the beach too. During the summer when I had jet lag I would go to the beach at like 5am and rollerblade a ways up and then come back down and get back home before anyone knew I was gone. I do random crap like that sometimes, like today. I told my self I would rollerblade until I saw someone I knew going the opposite direction as me. I kinda wish I hadnt now cuz im crazy sore but it was well worth it. Thats more like what I do when im bored out of my gourd.

Im a freak when it comes to learning languages. I will pick them up pretty quickly and lucky for me I live in a very international community so I have lots of people to talk to and lern from. Recreational language learning is what I call it. Right now I have been busy with Korean and Mandarin Chinese. Why? Why not! I learned how to order food in chinese and im gunna totally slip that one in the next time we eat out at a chinese restaurant. (one that isnt Cantonese) Ive been trying to figure out where else I can weasel korean in. I use it a lot at school to confuse korean kids. I will ask them something in korean and they will be all "you speak korean" then I will answer in korean "no I dont, im a dumb american why would I know korean?" Yea, I managed to memorize that some how, but it entertains them all so im cool with that. I like keeping people amused it also makes a bunch of them happy that a silly american would take the time to investigate their language.

So thats been my saturday. I cant find my phone so im gunna go hunt it down.

later

Tyler

Lazy day

Ive done almost nothing today. I did some homework that I was assigned by my more evil teachers for spring break. Other than that ive been in quite a funk today and im finding it hard to get out of it.

Yesterday was awesome though! I spent most the day with my friends. In the morning I had to take a test online but shortly after that my friends came and got/rescued me from my house. We spent some time around town then I went off with them to down town LA to see the Kings vs. coyotes game. To come right out and be franc...I was cheering for the yotes. I am a fan of the Phoenix Coyotes! I had to say that at some point. I figured now would be a good time.

When I got into hockey it was through friends and their parents. Somewhere along the line I was taken to Arizona by a friend whos family treated me like their own. They were fans of the yotes them selfs and they really got me into hockey and the yotes in particular. Ive never cared for the Kings I prefer the Ducks to them, but my exposure to the yotes early on got me to like them more.

So my friend and his family moved away I think in 04 back to Az and left me here. Lucky for me I found a few more yotes fans at school and one of them is who I went to last nights game with.

The others were kings fans who we were able to harass the whole ride back home cuz the yotes won!

Today

I went to a friends but I had to leave before we could really do/plan anything cuz his mom wanted him to go along with her somewhere. So here I am bored and at home. Later I think im gunna go to the rink for public skate with some other buds but idk. Im just so lazy today, so lazy I dont even know if this blog post makes any sense.

The stanley cup playoffs are here! yotes have a 25:1 chance so says The Hockey News poor panthers...500:1. Then there are the Caps 4:1 odds. Pretty much everyone is all "caps got the cup" already so we will see how that goes. They prolly will get it but till the yotes are eliminated you should know where my support is.

Im gunna go up to the rink now

later

Tyler

spring break in Arizona

Home! After quite the road trip. My break isnt over yet but the Arizona part is. I have fallen in love with the state for the, I think 10th time. I have been all over the state but never the north. I saw the grand canyon, played in the snow outside of flagstaff, stopped over in Phoenix too. I had been there before though. I love California dont get me wrong. I love how people ask me questions about random crap that I often over look, Hollywood in specific. But I have always had this draw to Arizona and I cant tell you why. I think its awesome I guess, there are places in California that I like but there is something about Arizona that makes me love it.

Lets do a quick compare and contrast shall we?

(ignore everything in { - } if you dont want to hear a rant that was thought up at 10:30pm when my argumenitive skills and ability to describe things is lost. Note the eye searing color)

{Los Angeles: Its a big city with a massive suburban sprawl at its limits. Pretty much everything around from the city center to 20mi (32km) out is citys that are relatively large. I love my little suburb, its actually pretty big but thats the thing. I love the city but I love the small town feel. There are cities like Ventura (friggen love Ventura) that are in between but that somehow doesn't work for me.

Phoenix: Its a great city I dont care what you say. People give LA shit but for some reason dont give Phoenix shit and you gotta love that. Its a big city with the feeling of a smaller town at the same time. Its so hard to describe but the city doesnt feel cramped up or strangled by its suburbs like LA is. Then there are citys like Flagstaff that feel like large towns and may be just that. it seems everyone in the cities knows everyone else. I love that.

Idk. I may have just proved my self crazy but still.

Im loosing my ability to describe my love for the land locked wonder but I think thats it. I love it beyond words.

People at school think to be without the beach would be like hell. I will have you know the last time I went to the beach here was like August. I can live without the ocean!

Oh the people! Love the people. A hell of a lot more welcoming than Californians yet they still have that stiff necked attitude.}

Im done

Anyway. The picture is one I took of the Grand Canyon. I spoke with some french canadians there in french of course. It was awesome beyond words...the canyon not the Canadians. I might talk some more about the trip tomorrow but right now im pretty tired. Im happy to be home and would like nothing more than to just sleep right now.

Good night

Tyler

Im outta here!

If you want to be technical about it, I leave for spring vacation today! I am finishing up my packing right now. I put it off till the last minute as I always do with packing however there is no mad scramble for me. I am making it along just fine.

Im prolly not gunna post anything but if I do it will be a short buzz about nothing cuz it will come from my phone.

I honestly dont know how long im gunna be gone. The planed part is till Tuesday but we may end up staying longer. You never know what my parents are up to so I wouldn't be surprised if they want to stay longer. I cant say much more than that really. Im pretty tired right now so for all I know im digitar essa coisa toda em Português!

Thats as much craziness as I can manage to toss out right now.

As always

Tyler

Game night tonight (again)

This one didnt post on time either! Ugh

SPOILER ALERT!: I get free Wendy's

Two nights in a row!

Hard core eh? We are at it again. Im still prolly gunna be running off of the high of last nights game. This is a bigun for us tonight so we want to win. In fact I think we NEED to win. If we win I get free Wendy's (yahhh!)

A bud of mine said if we win these two games in a row he will buy the whole team food from Wendy's. Idk why he wants to buy from there of all places. I guess cuz its cheap, but I will take it seeing its free and all.

So I haven't filled the blog world in on my crush as of late so I thought I would. In short, nothing new has developed! Great eh? Ive come up with plan after plan on how Im gunna get him to do something with me and I never manage to carry them out. Im not even in it for a solid relationship or anything Im in it just to get to be better friends with him, but my crazy brain keeps making me want him and I to be more than friends and just makes everything awkward. Even if he takes the whole thing and runs with it, and makes it more relationshipy I dont see him outing him self or me for that matter. Like neither of us seem like the type who are ready to come out now...in high school. Ive gotta hand it to the dudes who do though...even the ones who are attention grabbers and annoy the crap out of me sometimes. I saw one of them the other day being called a fag by some people and later he looked pretty bummed and crying. I felt bad for him just cuz its not easy to be in high school and being openly gay like that must make it even more hellish. It has its benefits but I think the negatives out weigh the positives in their case.

Anyway crush and I are going no where fast. I cant find a way to get to him. Worse it sounds like hes gunna be gone all spring break and for a week after that at some volley ball camp thing. I just dont know what to do.

Spring break so do damn close I can feel it! You may hear from me, you may not. The reason why I say this is I ran into some guy on blogger who was all "if I dont post within 24 hours of my last post assume I am dead". Yea dont go thinking I am dead if I dont post for a day.

I dont have much more to say. Gotta get going, think good thoughts around 8:00pm PDT

Tyler