Sunday, November 13, 2011

on greater british history

Lets start by saying King George III had purple piss and poop.
WTF! Yeah I know what a hook. He "suffered" from a condition known as porphyria which turns ones waste "a delightful shade of purple" Safe search it on google.

So I was wondering about the brits and their odd history. Think about it. Some dudes on an island who fight over bits of the island then unify and take over the whole freaking world. THEN in the 50's THE Queen (because people speak of her as if there is only one queen in this whole freaking word) lets "the Empire upon which the sun never sets" fall out of her tight royal grasp, and allows for the founding on some common wealth type thingy (great idea btw liz).

Personally id dig the emperor of India title so I wouldn't let any of that happen under my watch.

Lets step back a few 358 years to the year 1653...A gent by the name of Oliver Cromwell has just become Lord Protector of the Commonwealth (its that word again!) of England, Scotland, and Ireland. So this dudes like "hey guys Im lord protector n' no dynastic king!" yet four years later he insists that his son, Richard, be named 2nd lord protector...
whats more is that he suddenly pulls that "ordained by god" shit that every monarch ever has pulled.
the people are like "g'damn I didnt sign up for this shit"
then the council of state/rump parliament/ privy council...those guys come back
and say fuck the cromwells and their BS and then Charles II becomes king at 21 in 1651.
there is a paining of a young (like 3 year old) Charles II (or chucky 2.0) in a dress...why in gods name did the old english people dress so freaking weird.

Id dig an ermine coat, not gonna lie, but I think id would be too old world for this new world chap.

So what the heck did you just read? You just read what is the result of a late night conversation and a Tyler who needs rest, but also needs very much to spew out crap about history before he can sleep soundly.

The following has been made up. It too is the result of the same conversation and restlessness. read with caution.

The skilled huntsman drew his bow, and with a twang sent an arrow streaking though the air like a commit.
The arrow landed in the soft loamy earth of the scottish lowlands.
The huntsman had just demonstrated physics and was thus considered a witch and burned at the stake.
The following is what happened in the days following his death, and according to the US government what you are about to read never occurred (red october reference)

"EARU!" Shouted the Welsh as they mounted Ergile hill to face the Scotts.
A bagpipe twattled on in the distance...
The great st Andrews cross streaking across the broad navy blue canvas let out a crack as the wind tousled it too and fro.

The men beneath the other banner...that of Wales, had no such imagery to make their position appear any further romanticized, so they continued their shout in the hope that they may get at least some recognition. "EARU!!"

Some stichomythia...horses whinnying

A rousing speech from the commanders of either side to his respective troops. Horses still whinnying


Much like all wars on the British isles this one was for no good reason at all and the result was one which would have no profound impact on history. In fact if you have any sense of geography there is really no reason that the Welsh or Scottish should be fighting. Neither ever had territory that would have put them at odds...Why are you even reading this?


1000 years pass.


Today the welsh mine for coal and have a brilliantly engineered lamp system (that is now antiquated) which saves undereducated miners from deadly explosions, and the Scotts long for better days whist eating haggis, raising sheep, and throwing heavy objects while donning sport kilts n' highland dress.

Something profound


< sequel >

if you feel the need to argue with any of the above close your browser now.


Monday, November 7, 2011

the pale blue dot

"Plagiarism!" Cries the blogger crowd. "STFU!" interjects the teenager who doesn't need to be original 100% of the time to feel satisfied. Hipsters need to calm down.

If you haven't listened to it before you should.

I often listen to it when I need to be humbled by the absolute grandeur of what exists beyond all that my existence will ever be. How unlikely am I? The culmination of millions of years of accident after accident and simple mutations. How lucky are we to live our fleeting existence on this "pale blue dot"?
think how inconsequential we all really are. Atomic bombs have destroyed cities on that dot, and millions of people have been senselessly killed, yet from that far away even events as grand as the holocaust and bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki become negligible.
What does that make us then?
We exist to only as many people as we open up to, and for most that number is very few when weighed against the whole world population. If one were to travel not too far out of his way he will discover that he, and all he has ever been through, means close to nothing to the people who live there. Only if he shares his life story will he have weight in that community, and who wants to sit through that?
What trials and tribulations have we gone though that have lead us to now? What do those mean on the grand scale? Well if harnessing the energy of atoms to decimate populations becomes nothing; I doubt we hold any sort of ranking.
All that we have ever done, or will ever do, becomes forgotten at our atmospheres boundary, and that the farthest we have ever gone in human history is to our own moon. I say this not to discount the perceived grandeur of our history here, but rather to place emphasis on the fact that when you are a dot you are no longer grand.

perspective changes everything