so im in the middle of packing. Im going on a trip for a week. (here we go...you all say. If you get the joke reference macaroni salad in a comment) I dont think I can blog from there but a short story for you all before I go. Today I basically woke up and was like "fuck it all im telling the crush I love him" so I did. I will lighten the cliff hanger by telling you its all going in a good direction. I haven't been slammed so thats good. Anyway I really need to get back to packing so I guess I will talk to you all in a week. I guess prolly around the same time.
PS. This is prolly one of the sweetest ads ive ever seen.
YEAP that was today pretty much. Got to school (in sandals) then took my english final. It was pretty easy. Somehow became friends with someone I havent ever talked to during the break. Leave it to me to make friends with someone on the last friggen day, or one of the last anyway. Then went to french and gave our crazy presentations course I was eyeing the crush the whole time still pissed I wasn't in his group. He and that french canadian I love talking to were in the same group with this girl ive known for a while. Shes pretty interesting she likes being spontaneous like I do. She just kinda joined the softball team this year, no real reason just kinda did. She said and I quote "I can hit a ball with a bat" that was I guess the best reason for doing anything. Thats kinda why I play hockey. People perceive me as a dedicated sportsman but that all just kinda comes natural to me (the dedication) im not as psycho fanatic as some people I just play cuz I can and like to.
NEW CRAZY ADDICTION!
I found this place that my baseball loving friends go to and now I cant help my self but keep popping in. Its this bizarrely hidden batting cage baseball training center like place. I kinda love it. I went to the batting cages a lot last summer now I want to go even more cuz this place is awesome. Basically I go there or the driving range to blow off steam now. I used to go a lot but I kinda stopped. Idk why I did its like the greatest cure for my "anger issues" I had no clue I had until I was told so by a licensed professional. That sentence was full of sarcasm. I know where my defects are in a way its nice to have them all confirmed (not really) but at least I can learn about them now (not really) but I can figure out how to control them better (sorta)
Im not like crazy rageing mad all the time but it just comes around some times along with that depressed feeling I get. Im generally content but rarely feel too happy with anything any more. Honestly I hope this will pass. Like I will just be like this for a few more years heck even a few months just cuz im crazy hormonal or what ever and I can be back to my old happy self again. I used to be pretty good all the time just a bit off beat but I curbed that for the most part. Prolly since 5th grade I havent been as awesomely on top as I once was. Some years or parts of years its worse. Thats why I think its just a thing. Idk if its cuz I havent fully accepted being gay.
Its something that has crossed my mind a lot and I kinda need to get to talking about it. Im really not happy with my self being gay. Like It really bothers me. I hate the stereotypes that come with it and I would hate for people to suddenly piece things together and be like OH! all the signs were there guess we never saw em. In elementary school I sucked lets put it that way. At practically everything. I had a motor deficiency and people made fun of me for it, sucked at math people made fun of me for it, people just made fun of me for whatever the hell I was doing. I did weird shit. I acted kinda gay and I hate to have that ever be me again. I dont act gay anymore people have forgotten that time but stitll. I can link a lot of my anger to all of that. Im just so mad and uncontent with my self all the time. People say im hard on my self and I am. Im very unforgiving only because that was one of the most absolutely horrible times of my life and never want to return to it ever. Am I crazy? no. Im a thinker and thinkers sound crazy from time to time.
Im not proud to be gay. What is there to be proud of? Im not putting anyone down here but honestly...its more or less what do I have to be proud of. I see all these gay people who are so content and so happy and proud and Im happy for them! I love the idea of people being so happy but why I cant be one of them...why I cant be so proud I dont know! I dont think im suicidal ive let all that behind me. Just really confused to be honest. Confused because I will be depressed all the sudden or get really mad with no real reason. I try not to let it show sometimes it does if I get a little too excited but for the most part im a stoic single emotion kind of person. That emotion tends to look pretty happy so that works. Middle school was pretty easy for me. I was actually very happy then. It was around 8th grade that I was like why dont I have a date to the dance yet have girls asking me? do I not want them? WHATS THIS? I remember being in boy scouts in 5th grade and the guys in my patrol who were all in 6th at the time were talking about girls and I felt kinda left out. I figured to my self then I would start liking girls in 6th grade...then in 6th grade I said 7th...8th? Just constant confusion. Ive tryed forcing it too. I asked girls to dances in middle school with some very awkward success. The more and more I think about it and realize that I am gay the worse and worse I feel. All I picture is my parents blaming them selfs and then falling into that weird slot in peoples minds...the one that will make my mom and everyone else start buying me diana ross cds and assuming I love musicals and know everything about clothes.
I told a friend of mine there are gay people who are into sports and actually play sports and he was more than surprised...what would he have thought if he knew I was? Im not overly obsessed about this all either im just venting. I just hate the idea of being like hey I like guys and them being like that means he sucks at sports again and likes acting. Believe me I feel like I should take up acting cuz ive sure had everyone fooled for this long. like if Im out with my buds and I need to make sure my eyes go where theirs go if you know what I mean. I feel so friggen guilty when I do too. Idk. should I stop writing? Yeah. Idk If I should post this. You all prolly think im psycho. If you do you're a terrible judge of character Ill tell you that.
This needs to be put up now. I'm like beaming right now. The crush went ahead and hugged me today and I went ahead and hugged back! I didn't want to stop. He didn't stop and I didn't push him away. Yea we could say he's hinting i hope we could say I'm hinting back. He still could be being a weirdo but it was still a hug and I still loved it! Course I could run like 8 laps right now and still feel like I can go 20 more. It was in French, he just kinda sliped in with a hug and I went on an accepted. I'm in math right now and we aren't doing anything. I might slip out of here and return my books. Idk I'm just kinda excited. I'm doing this from my phone. It's kinda weird. I forgot my yearbook on the last full day of school so signatures might be lacking. No finals today they start tomorow. Shakespeare and American lit in English and French oral presentation. (block scedual) I think I'm gunna go in for another tomorrow. Is that too desperate looking? I've tryed to play it cool all year don't want to break that. I've got like 30 min left in this class. Typeing a blog with two thumbs is not enough of to vent how crazy happy I am! Again again! Make it happen again. It was two periods ago and I'm still crazy. You should have seen me hold that back in french. Man that was hard. Or in whap. I ended up tackleing someone while playing spoons. Sitting still in math is not helping. I'm crazy I know. It kinda sucks cuz I don't have anyone to really talk to in this class. Not like I would be able to talk about what I want to anyway. We are listening to some crazy radio station I have never tuned into anyway. I'll talk more later I guess. After I get home. -Tyler (from his math class on his cell phone)
YEAH! So I enjoyed today with the crush and other bud out on the course. I had a pretty lazy day otherwise.
So I got us a tee time the other day for 9:40am today so my other friend shows up at my house at what about 9:00 and the crush a bit later like at 9:15. The course isnt too far from where I live and I walk there all the time. Its actually like a legit country club too. It has a pretty long waiting list and I only have a membership because it was willed to my dad and he doesn't golf and somehow he got me to and I use it now. I am able to bring guests along so its pretty nice. So it all starts when we head out. I give the crush my other club bag (used to be my brothers but all he does is drive now so I commandeered the rest of the clubs and put my back up driver in the set) and he had I hell of a time getting the thing on. His struggle was kinda cute I must say and it only confirmed to my friend and I that we will get to f with him all morning long and f we did.
We got there right on time and there was a cart waiting and everything (that I get to drive now :D) of course my bud feels the need to call shot gun (dick) and have my crush ride in the back.
there really isnt anything else exciting about the morning golfing though. We golfed all 18 holes...the crush struggled, I helped, we made fun of him at the same time (all playful though), and then we all had lunch. It was nice to get to go out and enjoy a pretty nice morning with him though. We had great weather and a good time so yea. All is well.
I love the course...I love the crush. I actually enjoyed helping him. He talks so calmly it kinda brings me down a few pegs too. Its great cuz im always so ratcheted up and he brings me back down. Being at the course made me even more relaxed. He and I decided that we would do the summer homework for french together. Im kinda pissed im not takeing APES (AP Environmental Science) now because he asked me to be his study buddy for that also. I was like "UGH damn it I was gunna take it too" He found it funny that I was so pissed I wouldnt be doing summer homework with him. lol. Because the universe hates me hes hooked up with another good (not gay) friend of mine to do it. I dont know if I have said it before but im ridiculously territorial and defensive of things I find important. He falls under that category so idk ive just got to keep my self calm and remind my self this other guys not interested.
Alright thats all for now
Blog'acha later (interesting contraction)
P.S. If MOSQUITOS are still carrying west nile you might stop hearing from me. Those suckers were all over me today (lol vector pun)
So yea. Let me start off by saying that my ipod is very private. Like ive got a password on the thing and try to keep it pretty well concealed all because ive got some crazy stuff on there. My taste in music goes from alternative to zydeco (get it? A-Z) and everything in between. Anyway I will put the thing on shuffle or on an album when I get bored in class and listen if my teacher lets us. Today in french was one of those days where it was on shuffle and im sitting there looking around of course my eye is caught by that guy ive been crushing on. I will often pretend im looking past him or spacing out just so I can look at him like a creeper. Right when I put my head on my backpack (thats on my desk by now) and look over at him and "space out" You're the first my last my everything by Barry White starts playing. I could only sit there and smile goofily and kinda laugh a bit. Damn I sound like a creeper dont I? Idk hes just too damn cute.
This prolly raises questions like "did you ask him out yet?" etc. Well sorta kinda I did. I dont know if im ready to be like dateish with him like not date date just him and I type thing so I invited another bud of ours to come along. We are going golfing Saturday. Im actually pretty stoked because we get to be out for quite a bit. He also has never been so I get to teach him how and mess around a bit. Hes also gunna use my old clubs. Im loveing this right now.
For some reason I feel you have been way way out of the loop cuz I havent been blogging as much. Lets make a list of important events you may have missed or I never told you about.
I can legally drive!
WHAP is over. Finished my huge essay hurrah.
Signed up for AP US History. Already started on the summer work
School drags on
Hockey team made it to the league finals
Hockey team lost the final playoff game
Enjoyed the hawks anticlimactic Stanley cup victory.
Why do I call it anticlimactic? Well we (hockey fan friends and I) were excited however going to school the next day where nobody gives a shit and all talking about basketball and the coming world cup games kinda weakens the excitement of the night before.
what else to talk about. not much. Watched France and Uruguay play at school today. About to watch a show on the old south east asian empires...only I would. Dont worry Im going out at 7:30 with some friends.
term paper for whap (1776 words) Its just about done
Crazy group projects in every class whap included. all involved posters that I refused to take home with me. Normally I would but I need every second of down time I can get this weekend.
HW HW HW!!!
SAT subject test (world history)
Finish term paper
Im sleeping in if my essays done and when I wake up I will finish up a part of another project
I won tickets in a gift basket to see a play so I get to go see that
When I write it all down it doesnt seem like too much but then I remember I have other things too all coming at me in the future. like I need to write this essay for an application and need to write a letter to my french pen pal and and and....Enough ands already! Summer is just around the corner and so is...a summer job and summer hw....f@$%
Im gunna be fine. I just need to keep telling my self that and I will be.
Alright bet now so I can get up and get down on that SAT subject test. BOO YAHH!