Sunday, November 13, 2011

on greater british history

Lets start by saying King George III had purple piss and poop.
WTF! Yeah I know what a hook. He "suffered" from a condition known as porphyria which turns ones waste "a delightful shade of purple" Safe search it on google.

So I was wondering about the brits and their odd history. Think about it. Some dudes on an island who fight over bits of the island then unify and take over the whole freaking world. THEN in the 50's THE Queen (because people speak of her as if there is only one queen in this whole freaking word) lets "the Empire upon which the sun never sets" fall out of her tight royal grasp, and allows for the founding on some common wealth type thingy (great idea btw liz).

Personally id dig the emperor of India title so I wouldn't let any of that happen under my watch.

Lets step back a few 358 years to the year 1653...A gent by the name of Oliver Cromwell has just become Lord Protector of the Commonwealth (its that word again!) of England, Scotland, and Ireland. So this dudes like "hey guys Im lord protector n' no dynastic king!" yet four years later he insists that his son, Richard, be named 2nd lord protector...
whats more is that he suddenly pulls that "ordained by god" shit that every monarch ever has pulled.
the people are like "g'damn I didnt sign up for this shit"
then the council of state/rump parliament/ privy council...those guys come back
and say fuck the cromwells and their BS and then Charles II becomes king at 21 in 1651.
there is a paining of a young (like 3 year old) Charles II (or chucky 2.0) in a dress...why in gods name did the old english people dress so freaking weird.

Id dig an ermine coat, not gonna lie, but I think id would be too old world for this new world chap.

So what the heck did you just read? You just read what is the result of a late night conversation and a Tyler who needs rest, but also needs very much to spew out crap about history before he can sleep soundly.

The following has been made up. It too is the result of the same conversation and restlessness. read with caution.

The skilled huntsman drew his bow, and with a twang sent an arrow streaking though the air like a commit.
The arrow landed in the soft loamy earth of the scottish lowlands.
The huntsman had just demonstrated physics and was thus considered a witch and burned at the stake.
The following is what happened in the days following his death, and according to the US government what you are about to read never occurred (red october reference)

"EARU!" Shouted the Welsh as they mounted Ergile hill to face the Scotts.
A bagpipe twattled on in the distance...
The great st Andrews cross streaking across the broad navy blue canvas let out a crack as the wind tousled it too and fro.

The men beneath the other banner...that of Wales, had no such imagery to make their position appear any further romanticized, so they continued their shout in the hope that they may get at least some recognition. "EARU!!"

Some stichomythia...horses whinnying

A rousing speech from the commanders of either side to his respective troops. Horses still whinnying


Much like all wars on the British isles this one was for no good reason at all and the result was one which would have no profound impact on history. In fact if you have any sense of geography there is really no reason that the Welsh or Scottish should be fighting. Neither ever had territory that would have put them at odds...Why are you even reading this?


1000 years pass.


Today the welsh mine for coal and have a brilliantly engineered lamp system (that is now antiquated) which saves undereducated miners from deadly explosions, and the Scotts long for better days whist eating haggis, raising sheep, and throwing heavy objects while donning sport kilts n' highland dress.

Something profound


< sequel >

if you feel the need to argue with any of the above close your browser now.



  1. hahahah love it. learned something new!

  2. Hi there, Tyler

    I saw your blog in Madeleine's blogroll, and the title of this post caught my eye (not surprising, given where I live).

    I really like the Venn diagram showing the relationships between the different geographical and political elements of the British Isles. In this case, at least, a picture really is worth a thousand words.

    Some other thoughts (apologies if I'm telling you stuff you already know):

    - The UK has a constitutional monarchy, along with the other Commonwealth countries with whom we share a monarch, so the Queen has no "tight royal grasp" at all - she has much less formal power than the President of the United States.

    - "Commonwealth" has been around for a long time as a political entity of equals. Aside its appearances in British political history, several US states have the formal title of Commonwealth, including Massachusetts and Virginia.

    - The principle over which the English Civil War was fought was not the hereditary principle of the monarchy, but whether political power should reside with an absolute monarch or an elected parliament. The seventeenth-century English were well used to inheritance of political power, so an inherited Lord Protectorship would not have been an unreasonable idea to them. Richard Cromwell was ejected from office (and the monarchy restored) because he was incompetent.

    - Why did they dress so strangely? Because it was the style of the time. Fashion in clothes changes a lot over time, and no doubt modern clothes would have looked as odd to them as their clothes do to us.

    - The Welsh and the Scots fighting? All sorts of strange things happened in the Dark Ages. Before the Anglo-Saxons got there, the territory west of the Pennines was Welsh in some sense, so they very probably met and fought the Scots.

    I hope all's well with you; I'm looking forward to exploring the rest of your blog.

    Take care