Hard work made Benjamin Franklin a creepy old man...oh god NO!!

These last weeks have been a challenge. I have far to many things I need to juggle. School is a huge thing that takes up time. On top of school and clubs etc I have scouts. I am SPL (Sr. Patrol leader) not for much longer (thank god) I also have an eagle project to be done! To the whole world it looks just like a simple public service project but let me tell you its anything but. I need to get it approved by a good number of people. Once the project its self is good to go I will need to gather people to help out and thats the easy part. Then we go do said project and once its done I will need to compile a big binder of pictures, signatures, data, etc. Present that to some people and go though some crazy multi level process. Once all of that is said and done I will receive a patch and little ribbon with metal eagle hanging on it, watch my mum and dad cry, see a slide show of my scouting life from 5th grade (when I was embarrassingly round) to now and then go home rather proud, but not before cake has been served! My scoutmasters wife makes awesome carrot cake for every eagle court of honor and it is the most awesome stuff! Its worth its weight in gold I swear. She always asks the eagles to be what they want Im saying that is my top want...that and Dr pepper.

Anyway. The situation continues. Just a bunch of stuff going on. More abnormal depression. I keep most of my emotions to my self in public so sorry if I spill a bit to much. Im the type of person who everyone thinks is the happiest most worry free person on the planet. Seriously I find my self smiling when I would rather be frowning and being an ass hole to people. Just out of decency I keep a happy ora about me. That makes people want to be around me and talk to me but it always turns into them talking to me about all that is troubling them. I feel like atlas holding the burden of the world on his shoulders. Hopefully this all lightens up by next year because I could not throw college apps on top of all of this crap. The eagle thing will be done by like... January so I think I should be fine seeing that that is the bulk of the worry as of now.

My life has become a bit dull as of late and I dont know whats up. Im not going out like I used to and what not and its making me a bit nuts. It seems like everybody's crazy busy and has no time for anything or they all have time when I can make none but when I can they all cant make any. I need some fun around here. Ive been trying to get some friends of mine to come to the football games on fridays but none of them have time. Tonight after the game im going to a pizza place with some friends so that will hopefully fill the void. This weekends got a few fun(ish) things going on. It will all turn to the better soon (I hope).

HOCKEY!!! YES!!! OCTOBER is here (almost) and that means hockey is getting close! Ive been following all this preseason build up stuff and its making me excited! *jitters*

Ive got a person I can talk hockey with in almost every class period too AWESOME! Im feeling a good season for all.

Its friday! I like the sound of that. I plan to not have my alarm go off tomorrow morning and sleep in as long as my body wants to! Thats a real treat!

For now im off to enjoy the remainder of the afternoon. I might just lurk the football game alone. I will find someone to sit with eventually.

As always there will be plenty more to be said in the future.

later

Tyler

P.S. The title was a thought that came to mind while reading his autobiography. As I read I discovered he and I share some similar ideals and work ethic. All I could think of all that while was how he turned out at the end of the day. Alright for the most part but there were a few illegitimate children and other creepy things. Lucky for him history has whittled him down to the sort of American demigod he is today. Being on the $100 bill never hurt anyone.

where did you go? oh yeah thats right

Hey all. Ive been in school for 8 days now! wow how the time goes by...so freaking slowly. ugh. Still pretty shell shocked by all the crap going on.

Im pretty bothered by school life to be honest with you. School is not the problem it is the people. Im fine in school, this week we had a quick test to see what we knew about the united sates. Here I am mr shy guy and the teacher calls me out because I got all 50 states and capitals right and all 44 presidents and their vices correct, and here are the students calling me out and calling me a freak because I know all that. Now yes...I agree I am some freak of nature but its only freaky because its uncommon. Its a "gift" to have a memory like mine but believe me its not all milk and cookies (I will save that for a later post).

So I started last week mid week and that was a long couple of days. Where is the crush? ive got him in french (one class only) lucky for me thats the longest class of the day however I sit as far away as I possibly can from him but we are in eye shot so its all good.

There was a football game last week and I went with a few friends so that was a bit of a boost in the morale department. Today there was also I game but I couldn't find anyone to go with. I tried to get my goalie friend to come but he didnt want to being mr "I graduated". At any rate I talked to him today (he came to visit after school). We had a fun time poking around the school for a while and talking to people. He wanted to see who this crush of mine is so we looked for him but he was nowhere to be found and seen. The goalie friend is pretty much everything I have ever been told about as far as how people act after they know you're not straight. I kept hearing him catch him self like "dude thats ga...stupid" I find that to be a nice touch even though I dont give a crap. We drove around a bit and he went off and caught him self and I laughed "I cant help it!" he said. I cant really blame him, everyone says it and for the most part I could care less. Its when people start being evil and ignorant that I get pissed. Hes a good guy though. He continues to tell me everything is alright even though thats pretty clear. He knows me for who I am and thats pretty cool.

thats a pretty sweet rendition of that song if you ask me.

As over played and covered as it is im somehow able to find a nice new rendition of it every now and again.

Ive been breaking in a baseball glove for someone. Yeah pretty random I know but I like to. The picture is of the most expensive baseball glove. We were talking about it today. Its pretty stupid. Its made of aged Italian leather and to me seems more like a fancy purse than a good glove but whatever. I got it all shaped up for him now im working it in. Its one of those things I do for people on the side and have earned a following because im awesome at it apparently. People ask me to break them in at all sorts of random times too like this one ive been loving on now or those random ones I will get mid season. my secret? I dont think I have one. Just know how to shape the pocket and your good. Why am I talking about this?

Ive decided now that tomorrow morning I am making crepes

that means I haven't really got anything else to say other than that im happy to be alive. I guess life just comes along with the upperclassman-ship. Its the underclassmen who should be in fear for their lives. So we are good life with the package deal and a headachy class schedule. Big woot for that one. Nice going Tyler!

Considered trying out for volleyball though I have a feeling that will end in more misery than fun. Ill stick to being a spectator. Better to keep an eye on my crush eh?

Alright

later

Tyler

my mother knows me too well

After all she is my mother but its hard to keep cool when shes trying to figure me out. Its even harder when she starts playing J Edgar Hoover and poking and prodding then calling my bluff. She can totally tell when im lying and thats making her scary at the moment. She can read my body language like a book and that doesn't help when she comes home and Im tutoring my crush and for the most part my subconscious seems to have full control over my body.

For the most part im able to keep relatively cool around my crush. I feel that melty happy sensation all over when he's near and I come close to losing it but I dont lose it. Add my mother to the equation and suddenly I know im being read and I start losing my cool. I cant say why but when ever my parents are lurking about I cant relax as easy. Of course she lurked around in the kitchen (I was tutoring him the little dinning room thing within eye shot of the kitchen) far longer than normal watching me like a hawk as she put away groceries and randomly changed the position of a hand towel. All the while Im trying to help the crush and stay cool while she questioningly looks on and pretends shes not.

He left our house but he left his pen and notebook behind (hmm) I texted him and told him. A good 15 minutes later I got excited to see his name in my inbox. "Oh darn. Ill come back in a few" he said.

My mom instantly began asking me questions.

Let me step back a bit. I am not the sort who goes way out of my way to help people with school work. I will help people, but not to the extent that Ive been helping this crush of mine and my mom picked up on that real quick.

"Is he giving you drugs?"

"yeah mom does he really look that sketchy?"

"do you like his sister or something?"

hahaha "errr...mom stop"

she stopped. Then he came back to pick his stuff up he came to the door and I answerd it and told him Id go to my room and get his stuff (id moved it there to inspect it just incase there was some type of love note inside so I could keep it away from my moms prying eyes. Im hopeful okay) I made the mistake of being kind and letting him in because my mother swooped in like a hawk. I could hear her from my room.

"do you have any siblings?"

"yeah. a younger brother"

That got me to sprint over and break those two up. I walked him out to his waiting ride and gave him both my note book and his. Mine so he can copy the necessary notes. Yeah. Im letting him copy me. If you knew me like everybody you would know its absolutely out of character for me to let somebody copy my work. I let my crush through that boundary though because hes A) cute above all things B) I know he can be trusted C) ive gotta let him in somehow and hes deserving enough.

I read some body language out there on the drive way. I hate to make assumptions about this guy but its hard not to. He seems to enjoy chatting. I was trying hard not to melt on my driveway. He took both note books, complimented my house, then with a friendly reach slightly out of his way because im standing just a bit more than his arms length away from him. I patted my shoulder and gave it a bit of a squeeze that got my heart rate fluttering. Even when he stumbled slightly in doing it he was overly adorable.

Sunday he returns for more tutoring fun...lunch perhaps?

J Edgar (my mom) hopefully wont be giving us a hard time. She likes him...just seems suspicious about how im so good to him. She always tells me which of my friends she thinks are good looking. Its kinda...very creepy but the crush gets her seal of approval. You know its good when its mom good.

"coffee crisp... it makes a nice light snack" (sorry it needed to go here)

alright enough Mummy/crush talk.

Sunday Sunday Sunday

later

Tyler

Wait...I did what?

I would like to open this post with a quote from Taylor's blog which, as you may know, he recently wrapped up. "Just because you're gay, it doesn't make you any less of a man" That quote stuck with me for quite a while. The moment I read it I scribbled it down in my book of thoughts, that journal that keeps my head clear, and about a day ago it came back to me from a source I would have never expected at a time I would have never expected.

I have a good friend that I recently made. Recently being my freshman year in high school. He graduated out this last year but we still talk. Just regular buzz back and forth. We had a class together for the last two years (my Freshman & Soph years his Jr & Sr. years). He's really cool to talk to and one of the nicest people I know. Hes that hockey goalie friend some of you might remember me talking about a while back.

He and I were texting back and forth a few days ago and he asked me if there was anyone at school I liked. He knows me pretty well so Im guessing he figured if he was gunna get anything out of me it was going to be after he graduated and I didnt need to see him everyday. I didnt feel like lying so I said "yeah, I like someone quite a lot".

Of course he asked who. I told him I really didn't want to say. He pulled a "ah come on bro, just tell me" and I maintained my "no" as I wondered what I had gotten my self into. "dude who is she?" I stared at the screen with a bit of a smirk "nobody" I replied. "Is it a dude"...that shut me up fast. I couldn't tell if he was joking or if he was serious. Within that thought he sent another text "Im serious. Is it a guy?". Hes one of those friends I felt I could tell anything to but could I tell him this? I strayed away from it. He noticed and said "thats not gunna work". "yeah, if youre gunna dig and poke yeah".... "so you are gay?" he replied back. There it was; the label I hate so much stamped on my forehead and there I was pidgin holed. "Yeah" I send back feeling majorly fucked. "and why would you cover that up for so long?" He went on to tell me hes cool with it because he has a gay uncle and has be raised to not judge. He told me he knew something was bothering me that I couldn't talk about but I didnt know it was "this". He really is the nicest person. I told him how I hate the label or for people to assume that im lesser than or just another stereotype. He reminded me that he knows who I am though and that he knows im not a stereotype or lesser in any way. Then he said it "dude, just because you're gay, that doesn't mean you're any less of a man." and he told me he knows that rings true for me.

I went to bed feeling awkward, and like though he said all that I may have freaked him out a bit. The next day I woke up with a text from him saying he wanted to meet up on the ice for a bit of a stick and skate and talk. Im not one to pass up any ice time so I got him to pick me up and take me up there. (save gas CARPOOL!) We had a good chat and a good skate. He assured me I didnt freak him out and that I have nothing to worry about. My secret is safe with him.

Well...I think thats coming out isnt it? lol I didnt think it would happen this soon or with a hockey buddy but it happened.

As for that quote, I still love it. I am putting it somewhere in my blog if you find it you win a live performance by The Zambonis! (no seriously) just click on the thing that all hockey games are divided into.

Ive got the crush coming over tomorrow so expect more news soon.

till then

later

Tyler

registration day

So yesterday was the day I took in all my paperwork and payed for everything that needed paying for, picked up my books, and got a tentative class schedule. whew. Jr Year is right around the corner (11th grade). Pretty cool stuff. SO I could not escape the day without seeing my crush. It looks like our many conversations have made us friendlier. He followed me around kinda just broski palling around. The normal things that he does that can make me smile. We parted ways when he went to get his schedule because they were in different rooms (by last name) but we ran in to each other again when I was in line for a schedule change I was hoping he would join me but he just had to pop in an drop something off. Go figure. I didnt see his schedule so I dont know how that is. Ill ask him for it later. I know we will have french next year for sure. I can only hope for more. I sat on a bench for a bit to try to ease some of my anxiety. I saw him walking over to his locker and on the way some girl ran over and started talking to him and I was like...to my self, get the hell away hes mine, and I tackled her with my mind. He later walked over to me and asked where my locker is and I said and why. He just kinda said "oh im thinking of trading mine out." All the while im thinking..."and why would you need to know where mine is?" Pretty cool stuff if you ask me.

Sometimes I wish I could get really drunk and text him everything I want him to know and have no second thoughts about it and just see how it plays out. One day ive gotta just take a chance. I came so close that one time.

I keep having dreams about him. Amazing dreams I often wake up crying after. When, how, what, where do I tell him though? Even then there is no 100% here.

I know ive thought when I graduate I will tell him. That gets us somewhere in knowing that the one thing keeping me down is nervousness and knowing regardless of the out come I would need to see him the next day.

I like him a lot and you all know and can tell. Ive just gotta do something about all that love and like so I can stop telling you how much I like him and show and tell him how much I like him. One of these days. Ive got 170 days till Valentines day. Idk it might be stupid to wait that long. Or it might be stupid to tell him anything at all. Then again it might be awesome. I feel like Im getting torn apart between what is logical and attainable and some other force I cant identify. Thus I am confused.

Im just a simple t-shirt wearing, sport loving, relatively normal American boy. I may be more studious and tense than most but when its all whittled down Im alike. I can liken the crush and I to A Separate Peace, thats why I liked the book so much. Im the studious hard worker, hes the fun loving easy goer that things come easy to. He and I are alike but at the same time just as polar in personality as Gene and Finny though we get along well somehow. Im just better around him more content than with anybody else. Hes easy to talk to what ever it is we are talking about. Hes one of the few people I can talk to who actually makes me feel "cool" while talking to them.

Our talks are rare but they are fantastic.

His friends are not the best of mine I will admit that.

As long as I can be friends with him and build on that I think we will be okay. I think thats the way I would want it. To be friends first and to really have a buddy rather than some dude you met, like, and made out with. To me I would feel used and like Im using them. I imagine that would help keep a steady(er) relationship. To know about someone is better. Playing it safe I guess.

I know what I want and I think thats awesome. I know what I want in a guy thats for sure. Im not too picky I just know what I want or what works for me. I feel almost like I dont need to "mess around" or at least dont need much of that to know whats right for me. Im not saying I have my mind made up. Im more saying I know what I want, and as if I wished it into life it goes to my school. Thats not to say if this doesnt work out I might not find it elsewhere, but believe me if it doesnt turn out ideally...you are going to hear from me and its not going to be a fun post.

Well this turned into a more all about my crush post. I was hoping I could fit something else into here but its become specialized so I will save all that for another post.

Ive got plenty of stuff in my head so you wont need to wait long.

Whats up with todays picture? Nothing really. Add your own symbolism. My blog has been lacking hockey of late so there he be.

Later

Tyler

if I say it enough does it become truth?

Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay, Im not gay.

Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight, Im straight.

yeah screw that its never gonna work.

he talked to me first

So this has been written over the course of two days. Follow the dates and times.

8/16 11:50pm

the crush!

Hes been talking to me a lot more lately. I made an account on this crazy chat thing and he was the first person to add me, and he added me unprompted so even cooler!!! Its about 2am now weve been talking pretty much non stop on text chat. Hes told me he knows if we got on a video chat we would end up taking for hours and hours. So cute. Ive been helping him fill out an application for work at the gap. its cute to just chat with him like this. He started up at about 11pm. He asked for the French HW to check that he had it all. Ive sorta been hoping there is something missing so I can help him out with it. He gets me all lovey and I cant help but write my feelings down like this. I think I like it though.

8/16 10pm

So I wrote all that early in the morning. We went on until 3:30am. Pretty nice if you ask me. He promised me some video chat time too in the near future.

We talked some tonight. He invited me over! He invited me over!!! I had to say that twice.

I hope he gets that job at the gap so I can lurk. I dont even shop there but I can sure lurk like a pro there. They sell a grapefruit perfume my mom likes. She might be getting a lot of grapefruit perfume from me.

Ive gotta get back to talking to him.

8/17 1am

So some time has passed

its hard to blog and chat at the same time.

Hes amazing.

well whats the update I mentioned in my last post?

It is about this crush of mine and how he continues to provide me with months of confusion.

I have been making progress as far as moving him into the friend group thats for sure. At the same time ive been learning a lot about him. At the same time its stuff I already know though like how he can get away with crazy stuff (often at the expense of my emotions).

To put it simply I cant figure out what his sexuality is. Is he interested in me or just being nice? Why is he so damn weird? Hes never had a girlfriend before...hmmm.

Ive been investigating and all it is is raised eyebrow after raised eyebrow. Ive given up in a way and ive been enjoying what ever time we have as what I think is friends now. (Pretty sure)

8/17 3pm

Ive been grumbling over him internally for a while now, I probly shouldn't go this long with out airing some of my thoughts and feelings.

I have had a quite a time trying to figure him out thats for sure. Like I said now that its a bit easier to talk to him and he isn't as distant as he was before I can start to make sense of him, and not panic over every small confusing bomb he drops.

He happens to be going to the same place I will be going this coming week (another trip) same hotel and everything. A whole bunch of people we know are going too so some hang out time has been planned. He said expect a bunch of phone calls while we are out there. Pool time anyone? Woot to that.

Ive discovered hes a heck of a lot smarter and more mature than I thought and I already thought he was pretty smart and mature to start. Its definitely something im attracted to because (not to toot my own horn) Im a little more grounded mentally and I look for people who are equal because they tend to be the only ones who I can connect with. Hes good at making me loosen up and that tends to be pretty hard to do. It seems like I get more and more relaxed and can enjoy more and more when I talk to him. Thats probably why I liked french so much.

So we planned for tomorrow. We will meet at the mall and then go to his house and play Mario Kart! Woot woot!!

Outside of this little dream boat of a crush ive got...

Hockey clinic! Training camp! AWESOMENESS!

I will have a nice busy schedule full of hockey.

Let me tell you something...

There is this guy. I dont care for him very much but he was in my scout troop and we hung out sometimes etc. Now hes jumped on the hockey band wagon and hes becoming a bit of a hockey douche. A reason why I enjoy hockey to no end is its lack of ass holes. They exist but for the most part people get competitive but have fun. The ass holes are the ones who aren't really in it for fun they are the ones who roll out on to the ice and pick fights with everyone, show off, basically mess it up for everyone. A reason I dont really care for him is because of his lack of inhibitions and how he got onto this train so quickly and how he expects greatness all of the sudden. He picked up the lingo from a few of his friends who had brought him to stick time a few times, and now he thinks hes Jesus of the rink. He literally pushed me aside the other day at stick time to get onto the ice. He thinks hes better than everybody. He never knew I had been playing hockey for so long. Its one of those things I dont share too much. Literally walking softly and carrying a big stick. He uses the dumbest lingo and idioms non stop; he saw my skates and asked if my dad got a job (Im not gunna put him down for this in public but he got all his gear used at play it again I dont know if hes in a position to be saying that to me) He has literally begun to suck the fun out of the game for me. Im now in dread of going to the rink because I know he will be there. He told me im not as devoted as he is, that I dont have a heart to be playing hockey, that im a loser because im not a fighter, and that I am the band-wagon-er and I dont know anything about hockey...

I swear to god...he is bigger than me, and works out a lot, but I am nearing the point where I am going to start and end a fight with him. I have enough anger toward him that I may just do it unprompted one of these days and knock the living crap out of him and refuse to send my apologies to the bastard, but I WONT because im a good sportsman. He is gunna try out for the school team this year im sure. If he does I might not try out and not even bother because that just wont be fun. Not playing wont be fun either but I would rather stay off the ice than share it with a bully on my own team.

The situation is something I have always feared would happen to me but never has and...here it is.

He stopped math at geometry, stopped science at bio, has credit enough to graduate and thats all. Nothing above what is expected. He is proud of his C's. I hate to shoot him down like this but it just ticks me off that he likes to strut around like hes all high and mighty, and call me the loser when I am the one who is working double what he is sweating my ass off, loosing my brain and sleep over all that crap. On top of all that having internal struggle on internal struggle, social anxiety, constant nervousness, great never feeling good enough for me, and here he comes. Walks right on to the stage I feel I have worked harder than people give me credit for to be on and stay on and kicks me off. I dont want to discount what he might be going though that I dont see but it seems he hasn't got too much weighting him down. Hes one of those people who trys to look good for all the adults and teachers and make them think hes awesome but is just a total duche to everyone else.

To top off that whole shit sunday I now feel guilty and like im the ass hole for reaming him.

Great.

Lets get out of that subject

Ive got Valdres down on my trumpet now. I need to work on forming my sound a bit better though and making it sound a little more clear and refined. Clarity is hard to get but its worth it once you've got it down. Your sound becomes so bright it shines above everything else, and thats whats needed for those first notes to pop and really get the song set up right. We have one horn (me playing that) and the clarinets who sound off the traditional intro. The goal is to have the bright horn and the smooth hum of the clarinets harmonize and blend into a nice sound. I know we will get it down and it will sound awesome. We have great clarinets and a great band in general.

Dear Canadians

There were 3 amazing coronal mass ejections that came out of the sun a few days ago. One of them is going to strike a glancing blow to the van allen belts and is arriving today. You are the lucky ones who get to enjoy the aurora and it looks like this CME is going to bring the oval down south quite a bit. To Calgary they said. Its been acting up lately and showing it self but with this CME many people should be able to enjoy the awesomeness of the aurora. I have never seen it in person but I want to one day. Thats why I want all of you who can to enjoy it. Take pictures if you can and send them my way.

Speaking of pictures In the web sites I like section of my blog I have linked the Astronomy Picture of the Day. Sometimes they are pretty cool so I decided to share.

I ought to stop talking eh?

lol

You'll hear from me soon

Tyler

I just realized that tomorrows little outing with the crush might be classified as a date...im even more excited now, but I cant be in public! I can be excited here but not out there. Back to my single emotion... ... ...there we go thats better. (not really im still jittery but its convincing enough)