Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The First Day of Finals

YEAP that was today pretty much. Got to school (in sandals) then took my english final. It was pretty easy. Somehow became friends with someone I havent ever talked to during the break. Leave it to me to make friends with someone on the last friggen day, or one of the last anyway. Then went to french and gave our crazy presentations course I was eyeing the crush the whole time still pissed I wasn't in his group. He and that french canadian I love talking to were in the same group with this girl ive known for a while. Shes pretty interesting she likes being spontaneous like I do. She just kinda joined the softball team this year, no real reason just kinda did. She said and I quote "I can hit a ball with a bat" that was I guess the best reason for doing anything. Thats kinda why I play hockey. People perceive me as a dedicated sportsman but that all just kinda comes natural to me (the dedication) im not as psycho fanatic as some people I just play cuz I can and like to.
NEW CRAZY ADDICTION!

I found this place that my baseball loving friends go to and now I cant help my self but keep popping in. Its this bizarrely hidden batting cage baseball training center like place. I kinda love it. I went to the batting cages a lot last summer now I want to go even more cuz this place is awesome. Basically I go there or the driving range to blow off steam now. I used to go a lot but I kinda stopped. Idk why I did its like the greatest cure for my "anger issues" I had no clue I had until I was told so by a licensed professional. That sentence was full of sarcasm. I know where my defects are in a way its nice to have them all confirmed (not really) but at least I can learn about them now (not really) but I can figure out how to control them better (sorta)
Im not like crazy rageing mad all the time but it just comes around some times along with that depressed feeling I get. Im generally content but rarely feel too happy with anything any more. Honestly I hope this will pass. Like I will just be like this for a few more years heck even a few months just cuz im crazy hormonal or what ever and I can be back to my old happy self again. I used to be pretty good all the time just a bit off beat but I curbed that for the most part. Prolly since 5th grade I havent been as awesomely on top as I once was. Some years or parts of years its worse. Thats why I think its just a thing. Idk if its cuz I havent fully accepted being gay.
Its something that has crossed my mind a lot and I kinda need to get to talking about it. Im really not happy with my self being gay. Like It really bothers me. I hate the stereotypes that come with it and I would hate for people to suddenly piece things together and be like OH! all the signs were there guess we never saw em. In elementary school I sucked lets put it that way. At practically everything. I had a motor deficiency and people made fun of me for it, sucked at math people made fun of me for it, people just made fun of me for whatever the hell I was doing. I did weird shit. I acted kinda gay and I hate to have that ever be me again. I dont act gay anymore people have forgotten that time but stitll. I can link a lot of my anger to all of that. Im just so mad and uncontent with my self all the time. People say im hard on my self and I am. Im very unforgiving only because that was one of the most absolutely horrible times of my life and never want to return to it ever. Am I crazy? no. Im a thinker and thinkers sound crazy from time to time.
Im not proud to be gay. What is there to be proud of? Im not putting anyone down here but honestly...its more or less what do I have to be proud of. I see all these gay people who are so content and so happy and proud and Im happy for them! I love the idea of people being so happy but why I cant be one of them...why I cant be so proud I dont know! I dont think im suicidal ive let all that behind me. Just really confused to be honest. Confused because I will be depressed all the sudden or get really mad with no real reason. I try not to let it show sometimes it does if I get a little too excited but for the most part im a stoic single emotion kind of person. That emotion tends to look pretty happy so that works. Middle school was pretty easy for me. I was actually very happy then. It was around 8th grade that I was like why dont I have a date to the dance yet have girls asking me? do I not want them? WHATS THIS? I remember being in boy scouts in 5th grade and the guys in my patrol who were all in 6th at the time were talking about girls and I felt kinda left out. I figured to my self then I would start liking girls in 6th grade...then in 6th grade I said 7th...8th? Just constant confusion. Ive tryed forcing it too. I asked girls to dances in middle school with some very awkward success. The more and more I think about it and realize that I am gay the worse and worse I feel. All I picture is my parents blaming them selfs and then falling into that weird slot in peoples minds...the one that will make my mom and everyone else start buying me diana ross cds and assuming I love musicals and know everything about clothes.
I told a friend of mine there are gay people who are into sports and actually play sports and he was more than surprised...what would he have thought if he knew I was? Im not overly obsessed about this all either im just venting. I just hate the idea of being like hey I like guys and them being like that means he sucks at sports again and likes acting. Believe me I feel like I should take up acting cuz ive sure had everyone fooled for this long. like if Im out with my buds and I need to make sure my eyes go where theirs go if you know what I mean. I feel so friggen guilty when I do too. Idk. should I stop writing? Yeah. Idk If I should post this. You all prolly think im psycho. If you do you're a terrible judge of character Ill tell you that.

Alright, Im done I guess.

-Tyler



12 comments:

  1. man, I could of not said it better myself. Im glad you posted this cause this is exactly how i feel!! like its crazy. i honestly think we all go through the same stages growing up being gay. i tried forcing myself to like girls in middle school. in highschool, would always have a date to homecoming and prom and would always play it off like i was into them. i know its bad to act and deceive people but its what we do to fit in which sucks. sooooooo many of my friends would be surprised if i came out and maybe some might not even be my friends and thats why its hard to accept it. i want to read the gay handbook saying gays cant be good at sports. seems like all guys thinks gays are pussys and cant be athletic.

    and i know i could play the role of a gay guy acting straight. probs get a grammy :) lol

    ReplyDelete
  2. Tyler, Nous sommes la pour vous. J'espere que vous vous sentez mieux. Tu es le plus grand! Gardez la tete haute.

    j'adore!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dude,

    You have no obligation to prove yourself to anyone. You are you, whatever that means. If others want to decide that means X instead of Y, that's their right - just as it's their right to be completely batshit wrong.

    On the "pride" note - I'm not "proud to be gay". That isn't, really, what it's about. I'm just me - and I have no problem being me in any situation. Part of that "me" is gay, just like parts of it are a computer geek, a poet, a photographer, etc. I have pride in the fact that I don't let myself be psychologically manhandled by others who think I should conform to their standards, but I've never been "proud" of being gay. That's like being proud of being tall: you have no control it, so what's there to be proud of?

    Just be you - and yes, I know that "just" is really difficult. But that's what matters.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I agree with Austin just be yourself. Those who are true friends will like/love you for who you are. Not some perception of you that you let down by telling theater truth. It's on them for making that assumption to begin with.

    ReplyDelete
  5. ...by telling them the truth...*** ugh! Stupid autocorrect!

    ReplyDelete
  6. @Taylor

    Merci beaucoup Taylor. Vous êtes une bonne personne! Je vous remercie de votre soutien.

    (it took me forever to get the accent over the e but I figured it out!)

    Dans l'amitié
    Tyler

    ReplyDelete
  7. @socrkid17

    Im glad you can relate. It makes us all feel a bit better when we know we all suffer the same eh? that sounds so wrong but thats just about it. Keep it up man. Youre doing fine im sure.

    ReplyDelete
  8. @Austin

    Thanks for the input. It helps. It keeps me from gong crazy so thats good. lol.

    ReplyDelete
  9. @Paul

    Thanks. It only makes sense to be around people who will accept you yet I stick with people who may or may not. I guess we will need to find out.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Tyler, it will get better. I wanted to share a little piece of wisdom that I picked up from a PFLAG mom. She used to be upset when her son came out because he was different from the other gay people that she had seen and she was worried that he would change. She said one day she realized: "I kept trying to put the face of the gay community on my son. Then I realized that my son was the face of the gay community." Her a-ha moment was the realization gay didn't define her son but her son defined gay. It is a powerful thought if you think about it.

    People won't suddenly think they should start buying Diana Ross CDs if you don't let them. One day, I was chatting with one of the firefighters with whom I work and he joked that I never gave them a choice about accepting I was gay. I asked what he meant and he said that I basically said "I'm gay. I'm fucking good at my job and you know it. So if you have an issue with it, tough shit. Now, can we please just get back to work."

    My point is that you have the ability to set the tone for what people think of you. Right now in my department, people volunteer to ride with me and crews tell new people to get on my shifts because I'm one of the best EMTs in the department. Especially, as you get older, people will look past the idea that you're gay to just seeing what you contribute to their team and they'll deal with you how you want them to deal with you.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I had a second piece of wisdom on being proud about being gay and I think this kinda of sums it up for me. This is from a blog called Joe.My.God and he writes about pride parades (http://joemygod.blogspot.com/2010/06/watching-defectives.html) but this is the part I relate to:

    "A co-worker of mine heard me discussing my Pride plans last weekend and said, "I really don't understand what it is you are proud about. I mean, you all say that you are born that way, so it's not like you accomplished anything." She wasn't being mean, just genuinely curious, and I think that a lot of gay people probably feel the same way. On this subject, I can only speak for myself.

    I'm proud because I'm a middle-aged gay man who has more dead friends than living ones and yet I'm not completely insane. I've lived through a personal Holocaust (here we go again) in which my friends and lovers have been mowed down as thoroughly and randomly as the S.S guards moved down the line of Jews. You, dead. You, to the factory. And you, you, you, and you, dead. I am inexplicably alive and I am proud that I keep the memories of my friends alive. I am proud of my people, the ACT-UPers, the Quilt makers, the Larry Kramers, the Harvey Fiersteins. I'm proud that I'm not constantly curled up into a ball on my bed, clutching photo albums and sobbing. And that happens sometimes, believe it.

    And outside of my personal experiences, I am proud of my tribe as a group. Sometimes I think that gay people are more creative, more empathic, more intuitive, more generous, and more selfless than anybody else on the planet."

    For myself, I'm proud that I'm a middle aged gay man that has come to terms with his sexual identity, has found great friends (straight and gay), become successful and respected in a challenging professional while living openly and honestly.

    You see it is not as much about being proud that you're gay but realizing that you were given a more difficult road to travel and being proud that overcame the challenges to be happy.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm late with this reply, but felt I had to respond. Tyler, it sounds to me like your issues with being gay come from others, not yourself, and I think that's a good place to be in actually. If YOU thought that gay people were this or that, blah blah blah, it would be hard for any of us to help you, because that acceptance needs to come from you. But YOU are fine with the idea of gay people, you just realize that other people will put you down for it, and you don't want that. To be blunt, fuck them. Now, some people will just need time to adjust, and will get past seeing you as gay to seeing you as you, but other people won't, and you don't need people like that. Like you, I had a tough time in elementary school, and I spent a lot of time worrying about what others thought, and about how I was percieved. I am now at a point in my life where I am (mostly) past that. I am who I am, and if people want to label that, I can't control it. I'm happy with who I am, and I think that I'm a good person. I can't tell you how to get to that point, but you will get there.
    It's not so much pride about being gay, but proud that you accept who you are, and that there isn't anything wrong with who you are. I'm not proud per se because I am a biological female, but I am proud that I am a woman, and don't see myself as less (or more) than a man.
    Hope that helps.

    ReplyDelete