NEW CRAZY ADDICTION!
I found this place that my baseball loving friends go to and now I cant help my self but keep popping in. Its this bizarrely hidden batting cage baseball training center like place. I kinda love it. I went to the batting cages a lot last summer now I want to go even more cuz this place is awesome. Basically I go there or the driving range to blow off steam now. I used to go a lot but I kinda stopped. Idk why I did its like the greatest cure for my "anger issues" I had no clue I had until I was told so by a licensed professional. That sentence was full of sarcasm. I know where my defects are in a way its nice to have them all confirmed (not really) but at least I can learn about them now (not really) but I can figure out how to control them better (sorta)
Im not like crazy rageing mad all the time but it just comes around some times along with that depressed feeling I get. Im generally content but rarely feel too happy with anything any more. Honestly I hope this will pass. Like I will just be like this for a few more years heck even a few months just cuz im crazy hormonal or what ever and I can be back to my old happy self again. I used to be pretty good all the time just a bit off beat but I curbed that for the most part. Prolly since 5th grade I havent been as awesomely on top as I once was. Some years or parts of years its worse. Thats why I think its just a thing. Idk if its cuz I havent fully accepted being gay.
Its something that has crossed my mind a lot and I kinda need to get to talking about it. Im really not happy with my self being gay. Like It really bothers me. I hate the stereotypes that come with it and I would hate for people to suddenly piece things together and be like OH! all the signs were there guess we never saw em. In elementary school I sucked lets put it that way. At practically everything. I had a motor deficiency and people made fun of me for it, sucked at math people made fun of me for it, people just made fun of me for whatever the hell I was doing. I did weird shit. I acted kinda gay and I hate to have that ever be me again. I dont act gay anymore people have forgotten that time but stitll. I can link a lot of my anger to all of that. Im just so mad and uncontent with my self all the time. People say im hard on my self and I am. Im very unforgiving only because that was one of the most absolutely horrible times of my life and never want to return to it ever. Am I crazy? no. Im a thinker and thinkers sound crazy from time to time.
Im not proud to be gay. What is there to be proud of? Im not putting anyone down here but honestly...its more or less what do I have to be proud of. I see all these gay people who are so content and so happy and proud and Im happy for them! I love the idea of people being so happy but why I cant be one of them...why I cant be so proud I dont know! I dont think im suicidal ive let all that behind me. Just really confused to be honest. Confused because I will be depressed all the sudden or get really mad with no real reason. I try not to let it show sometimes it does if I get a little too excited but for the most part im a stoic single emotion kind of person. That emotion tends to look pretty happy so that works. Middle school was pretty easy for me. I was actually very happy then. It was around 8th grade that I was like why dont I have a date to the dance yet have girls asking me? do I not want them? WHATS THIS? I remember being in boy scouts in 5th grade and the guys in my patrol who were all in 6th at the time were talking about girls and I felt kinda left out. I figured to my self then I would start liking girls in 6th grade...then in 6th grade I said 7th...8th? Just constant confusion. Ive tryed forcing it too. I asked girls to dances in middle school with some very awkward success. The more and more I think about it and realize that I am gay the worse and worse I feel. All I picture is my parents blaming them selfs and then falling into that weird slot in peoples minds...the one that will make my mom and everyone else start buying me diana ross cds and assuming I love musicals and know everything about clothes.
I told a friend of mine there are gay people who are into sports and actually play sports and he was more than surprised...what would he have thought if he knew I was? Im not overly obsessed about this all either im just venting. I just hate the idea of being like hey I like guys and them being like that means he sucks at sports again and likes acting. Believe me I feel like I should take up acting cuz ive sure had everyone fooled for this long. like if Im out with my buds and I need to make sure my eyes go where theirs go if you know what I mean. I feel so friggen guilty when I do too. Idk. should I stop writing? Yeah. Idk If I should post this. You all prolly think im psycho. If you do you're a terrible judge of character Ill tell you that.
Alright, Im done I guess.