Monday, May 17, 2010

Blame it one love

This gets sad you might not want to read it if you dont want to hear sad things
My lack of bloggyness? Is it because of testing/school? In part, but I think im also a bit preoccupied with spring fever. Im the type who likes to lay in bed and think about everything that is on his mind then write all of that down in elaborate detail in my private book of awesomeness. Now that I have a blog as a type of coping mechanism I can now tell people my thoughts in elaborate detail and I think that feels better. Idk what it is that feels better...the amount of detail isnt the same but some how it works.
A bit about me. When im pissed off or what ever I will start doing things with the most extreme precision its not even funny. It all happens involuntarily too. My hand writing gets better, as blog readers you will prolly notice me using better punctuation/spelling. Its not like good its perfect. I once made a hot dog when angry and that thing was like right out of a magazine. I often go on walks to calm my self and I will get this marching pace going and no two strides are of a different creeps me out. However I dont interact well with people when im pissed off. I try to keep conversation short because talking and writing are my only real source of expression, some people draw, some people make music, I give speeches. They are prolly not fun to listen to but if im pissed and you ask me why you are going to learn why. I have a real harshness about me and I often appear bitter or very critical of everything. Thats just kinda how I am or may come across. My friends dont see it as much just because they know the better more tolerable side of me. I can morph to most situations and keep a cool head and keep my thoughts in order I just start acting different and presenting my self differently depending on my feelings. Im pretty nervous all the time and try not to show it.

I like listening to all kinds of music. right now im listening to Clair de Lune by Debussy. A moment ago I was listening to Beethoven and before that I was listening to the Cars. I think R&B before that. Im all over the place emotionally this week. Like if I normally feel like a person I feel like a puddle right now. Someone described me as not a closed book but one that is open but its pages are laying face down.

I dont care for my sensitive side. I dont like my emotions or many of the ways they manifest them selfs. Im still fighting internal struggles from years ago and nobody knows about them.
I used to cry at night a lot when I was sure nobody could hear. Now I write and listen to music and let that take me where ever it does.
Im not the tough guy people at school think I am.

I take a baseball bat to the tree in my back yard when life gets to be too much and then I feel bad for the tree and then feel sad.

I think I have been suffering from depression for the past 5 years and somehow managed to not show it. This only raises other questions.

I cant suffer any more losses. Ive been hurt too much already. If they were to analyze me psychologically I dont know what they would find and I dont really want to know.
Im a complex person but who isnt. Im not hurting my self or anyone else so I think we are fine for the most of it.
I think im hurt.
Sorry for being a downer with this one.
Hockey Wednesday.


  1. hey bud,

    don't worry about venting on here... do whatever you feel like cuz it's your blog! This is entirely your space to do with what you wish. You have control and there is no one to judge you, we're simply here because we enjoy your writing and we care about you.

    Everyone has a slightly different way of dealing with stress and frustration in their life... and that's ok. Sometimes that feels like it isn't enough... and we could use a helping hand once and a while. We can be one of those helping hands. If you feel like discussing it in person, your counsellor at school might be another ear that's willing to listen. There's also lots of confidential phone lines that will be there for you when you need them.

    If there's anything that we can do, let us know.

  2. Never feel bad about feeling bad (or let this post make you feel bad about feeling bad about feeling bad). It's a cyclical trap.

    Emotions are real, they're largely uncontrollable, and you just have to roll with them. Burying them doesn't get rid of them.

    You like lots of music - you've probably listened to "Return to Innocence" by Enigma at some point. Listen to it, really follow the lyrics.

    Love - Devotion
    Feeling - Emotion
    Don't be afraid to be weak
    Don't be proud to be strong
    Just look into your heart my friend
    That will be the return to yourself
    The return to innocence
    If you want, then start to laugh
    If you must, then start to cry
    Be yourself don't hide
    Just believe in destiny
    Don't care what people say
    Just follow your own way
    Don't give up, and use the chance
    To return to innocence

    I've always believed that "innocence" is a lack of preconceptions - accepting things for what they are without worrying about how they're "supposed to be".

    Accept yourself, regardless of who you happen to be at any given moment. That doesn't mean you can't change or improve - just that, for the moment, you are who you are. Whether that's happy or sad or somewhere in between.

    And know that we accept you as well, for all that you are and all that you aren't.

  3. Far better to let your emotions out, whether it be the blog, personal diary or baseball bat to tree (the tree will understand) than bottle it up inside. It sounds like you are struggling with a lot, and I wish I could do more for you than just listen. At least you are aware of your depression issues though, that's a huge step forward.
    I listen to music too, it does help, and hey, it's ok to cry yourself to sleep, I've been there.

    If you need me for anything, you know where to reach me.

  4. If it’s serious I think you should look for professional help. You know, if you had a toothache you’d see a dentist…

    If you’re not comfortable with that, you can always talk to us. We all have our ups and downs. Try to manage the downs so you can learn the most from them.

    I know it looks bad now, it’s HS. But in a couple of years you’ll be in college and everything will be much easier. Believe me.

    P.S: I’ve played Clair de Lune. Music is the best way to express your feelings, imo.

  5. @Taylor

    Thanks Taylor. Your support means a lot to me. Keep doing well.

  6. @Austin

    Thank you Austin. I will try to be accepting of my self.

  7. @Madeleine

    Thanks Madeleine. Its nice to know someone is willing to listen. I appreciate the support.

  8. @Luke

    Thank you luke. Im sure things will get better. They always do and everyone tells me it does so Im sure its true.
    I play Clair de Lune on the piano when Im sad. Idk if it helps or not cuz it makes me feel sad when everyone is crying.

  9. I agree with the others that emotions are better dealt with than suppressed. But that can be hard, especially when you're younger (sorry if that sounds ageist, but it's generally true.) Talking to a professional can help. I would disagree when you say that you aren't hurting yourself - maybe not physically, but emotionally you're hurting, and that can trigger physical problems as well. Let us know if we can help.

  10. Hey Tyler:

    I was diagnosed with clinical depression several years ago and have been constantly battling it ever since (although it is getting better as time goes on). I think being gay has certainly compounded the problem, especially in the earlier stages because I didn't have many people that I could talk to about it. If you think that you may have depression, I'd echo what Luke said and consider seeing your doctor who may refer to you to a psychiatrist. Here's a website that has some info you may find helpful:

    We all need to cry now and then, and interestingly enough, I also play the piano when I'm feeling sad (I haven't learned Clair de Lune yet, I tend to play Für Elise or the theme to Schindler's List).

    Green and Purple is right re: hurting yourself emotionally and causing physical problems later. If you deny your emotions or try to suppress them, it tends to come back worse later on. I don't want you to make the same mistakes that I have in that regard, which is why I would urge you to get some help. In the end, you're a very unique and important individual who's well-rounded and deserves to be happy. Never forget this and I really hope you're feeling better soon. Please use your blog to vent when you need to and know that there are people reading it who care about you.


  11. i think we're all damaged, at least a little.. i know i am... is it really baggage if it makes you a better person?

    - cheers... d