My lack of bloggyness? Is it because of testing/school? In part, but I think im also a bit preoccupied with spring fever. Im the type who likes to lay in bed and think about everything that is on his mind then write all of that down in elaborate detail in my private book of awesomeness. Now that I have a blog as a type of coping mechanism I can now tell people my thoughts in elaborate detail and I think that feels better. Idk what it is that feels better...the amount of detail isnt the same but some how it works.
A bit about me. When im pissed off or what ever I will start doing things with the most extreme precision its not even funny. It all happens involuntarily too. My hand writing gets better, as blog readers you will prolly notice me using better punctuation/spelling. Its not like good its perfect. I once made a hot dog when angry and that thing was like right out of a magazine. I often go on walks to calm my self and I will get this marching pace going and no two strides are of a different length...it creeps me out. However I dont interact well with people when im pissed off. I try to keep conversation short because talking and writing are my only real source of expression, some people draw, some people make music, I give speeches. They are prolly not fun to listen to but if im pissed and you ask me why you are going to learn why. I have a real harshness about me and I often appear bitter or very critical of everything. Thats just kinda how I am or may come across. My friends dont see it as much just because they know the better more tolerable side of me. I can morph to most situations and keep a cool head and keep my thoughts in order I just start acting different and presenting my self differently depending on my feelings. Im pretty nervous all the time and try not to show it.
I like listening to all kinds of music. right now im listening to Clair de Lune by Debussy. A moment ago I was listening to Beethoven and before that I was listening to the Cars. I think R&B before that. Im all over the place emotionally this week. Like if I normally feel like a person I feel like a puddle right now. Someone described me as not a closed book but one that is open but its pages are laying face down.
I dont care for my sensitive side. I dont like my emotions or many of the ways they manifest them selfs. Im still fighting internal struggles from years ago and nobody knows about them.
I used to cry at night a lot when I was sure nobody could hear. Now I write and listen to music and let that take me where ever it does.
Im not the tough guy people at school think I am.
I take a baseball bat to the tree in my back yard when life gets to be too much and then I feel bad for the tree and then feel sad.
I think I have been suffering from depression for the past 5 years and somehow managed to not show it. This only raises other questions.
I cant suffer any more losses. Ive been hurt too much already. If they were to analyze me psychologically I dont know what they would find and I dont really want to know.
Im a complex person but who isnt. Im not hurting my self or anyone else so I think we are fine for the most of it.
I think im hurt.
Sorry for being a downer with this one.