not too serious

I intend to change my blog tone up a bit. I want to feel a bit less silly if you know what I mean. I want to be a bit more serious but not too serious as far as subjects. I want to train my self a bit better in blog delivery. I can speak so well but my blog seems to lack the fluidity and clarity that my spoken word has and I would like to try to bring that into here. I also want to talk more about a wider variety of things. I would like some input so if there is anything you want to hear from me let me know. This will give my blog a back bone and should make my posts less messy and help me clear my thoughts a bit more. Seeing that hockey is not happening until later that side of the house wont be heard from for a while but there are still other sports I like to bicker over and intend to do just that. So I will keep you updated. Just like my life this blog is a work in progress. It will grow as I do and change as I do. So give me some input and I will see you all around.

Tyler

Gay is an ugly word(?)/Tyler learns something/ADHD?

[|{CAUTION}|]

Yeah I said it. I hate the word to no end. Gay...I hate seeing it written, I hate seeing it on my title, I hate labeling my self as it, and I hate saying it. I thought that my whole hate of the word would be cured by this blog but I think it has gotten worse. I know its my own personal problem but thats what this blog is for discussing. I dont hate gay people...I may be a self loathing gay at times but I dont hate the people attached to it I just hate the word. This afternoon I went though all the other names to think of another word I could call my self, and other gay people just so I could deviate from the word gay. In doing this I discovered that there are no good names. Lets list:

Gay

Homosexual (eh)

homo

faggot

fag

queer

queen

fruit

There are more but Id rather not. I dont like any of them. There are people who are gay and call them selfs these but im not one of those people. It might be the negative connotation the names have in my mind or whatever but I just dont like them.

I cant even picture my self saying "yes I am gay" to anyone. Like when my crush asked (JOKINGLY) if I was gay I couldn't even answer that with a direct yes. I almost try to dissociate with the word and that might be kinda bad.

I cant imagine telling my Mom and Dad "i'm gay" I may need to be more like "I like guys"

From the Mind of a 16 Year Old Hockey Player...Who Likes Guys(?)

People will probably hate me for this but people will always hate me for something.

Understand I dont hate anyone I hate labels...

REALIZATION!

I dont necessarily hate identifying with other gay people I hate being labeled as gay and taking on the whole negative connotation of that label.

Hurray for learning while blogging!

do I need to give the "thats so gay" and why not to say it tirade?

I dont think so. Im sure you all could go on your own rant just as easy as I could.

{Is there anything more to say on this subject?}

I dont think so. I feel like I have a lot to say about a lot of things still but ive been having a hard time expressing my self as of late. Its kinda weird and out of character. The idiots who like calling me a fake sure are capitalizing on it.

I like baseball...im gunna go see if there is some on tv.

More collected thoughts later (I swear!)

Tyler

confusion

Everybody seems confused about the whole crush situation. I guess that makes sense. I was not too clear on the whole subject only because its not the easiest thing for me to describe or convey in words.

He is a pretty weird person and pretty smart. Ive tried to explain that he can get away with saying things others can't etc. At the same time one can get away with saying things to him

[EXAMPLE]

He says "Tyler...are you gay?" He is not serious...how do I know this? I just do you can hear seriousness in his voice and this was not a serious statement. He gets away with crap like this.

But I decide to stay serious and say "I dunno why but of all people for me to tell first I decided it had to be you"

I can get away with this because im talking to him and he jokingly asked if I was gay. I can still fall back and say Im kidding if I want to (and I eventually do) and no questions will be asked.

so after he asks if im serious (most people take everything I say to be truth because I speak with conviction so I get this asked of me regularly)

I say "nah im just kidding" and its all over. No questions, nothing. We then went on to talk about random things.

Idk if this helped clear up some crap for people who may have been scratching their heads earlier.

Understand that we are pretty much back at peg one and made no progress in this conversation toward me coming out to him. Also understand that though I may have said or hinted things to him before that none of that matters and that none of that was taken seriously. All that was; was my brain on a high because I had told him something regardless of how he took it, and it was more or less a personal confirmation than a mutual confirmation. He is with the rest of the world still and does not think im gay.

Hopefully this clears a few things up.

I just have a hard time conveying all this info to the blog world. I want to but its not easy.

Also to the ass hole who is reading this and thinks they know everything thats going on in my life and thinks they have found something that looks like a deviation in the line of continuity...you haven't you're just to dumb to understand everything ive just tried to clear up, and I dont want to hear about your "findings" or how you "know im fake" in an email.

My brain hurts

Tyler

The Goings On

Plenty of news to share today. Much of which I can only share with this blog.

New picture obviously. Idk something about me and polar bears lol. On my formspring now on my blog. I wanted to drift a bit away from the whole black and white blurred hockey picture. I feel it was too reminiscent of bad times and its time for a change. I might swap this new one out later also so you never know. What do you think?

crush news.

Ive been keeping this pretty quiet and now that its not so murky I guess I ought to say something. So he and I were talking the other night, and I asked him if he could keep a secret and he told me yeah he cold and not to worry. He got my usual hell fire type of threat in which I tell him if he so much as tell anyone even a rendition of what im about to tell him I will kill him. Yeah its a bit harsh but it gets the job done. Most people would be like "OMG I. could. die." Where as with me its more like "you're gunna die" people dont mess with that. Anyway I asked him if I could call him on the phone and he said sure. At this point what ive done to my self is I have backed my self into a corner. In my mind I am set up to tell him the whole truth and im ready to come out to him knowing that if stuff spills somehow I will be able to redeam my self with machoism (Yeah I hate the world to but you do what you gotta). I have also told him im about to tell him a HUGE secret and thats something you dont just back down on and I cant come up with a bull shit lie to get my self out of it (so I thought).

By now im sweating like crazy and I pick up the phone and call him.

He picks up and we talk for a sec about something I cant remember because my attention was more on slowing my heart down and chilling out a bit to the sound of his voice. I started out with a "so ive been sitting here for a while getting all my thoughts in order and..." as if he knew what I was about to say he broke in with "Tyler...are you gay? is that what this is all about because im pretty good with closet out comeings" I dont think he was serious at this point it didnt sound like it but I knew I had to stay serious. I calmly and seriously said "well I thought it through and decided of all people who needed to be first it had to be you" His reaction wasn't bad but as you will see we quickly changed course (thanks a lot subconscious). "wait what?! You're kidding...your friggen kidding right?" Who knows where he was going but my brain wanted to get away and It said "Yeah I am" (IDIOT IDIOT IDIOT!!) his reaction was like "whoa man" I stopped my self from going back and trying to be serious again. I dont think he would have thought I was serious after that. I somehow came up with another "big secret" that involved nothing of consequence. We did talk for quite a bit however, and made plans for the next day. He seems to be getting cooler with me which is awesome. I still dont know if he's gay or not but I dont think so but im not 100% sure one way or the other. DAMN IT I still want to come out to him seriously and let him know I am dead serious and that I like him!

Idk where to go with that but thats whats up there and I feel badly about it all except for that we are getting cooler with each other thats good.

Other thing! New layout!

As you can see ive gotten rid of that old thing that often brought back haunting memories I will not go into but I think we all know what I mean. I like this one. Its got a view from the top, it looks optimistic and easy on the eyes, best of all its got a plane (wing) in! It feels more true to me and I like it.

Other!

As you may or may not know I play the trumpet for my school band and I recently talked our drum major into playing the song that is now in the background of my blog. That horn bit you hear at the start will be played by yours truly! The drum major doesnt know that im not that good so ive gotta get that part down so I dont embarrass my self. Its a short bugle call basically...in fact I think norway uses it for something. Im good with bugle calls (bugle merit badge over here) That oughta be a fun'n to learn and fast too. oye. I got my self into it so Is should be fine. The march is called The Valdres march. Because im a nerd I like marches. I work out to John Phillip Sousa more often than I problly should but it works. I fell in love with Valdres the moment I heard that horn then those bars are sampled though out the song. If its executed just right it can be one of the most stunningly awesome pieces but if its done wrong it can sound like crap. I think our band can do it. We have strong sections so I think we should sound awesome.

Todays picture is of Valdres, the area in Norway for which the march is named. Norway is one of the many places id love to visit. Excuse the topless woman bike rider it was one of the better pictures of the Valdres visit Norway had and I decided to share.

Anything else?

yes

Ive got a lot of trumpet practicing to do!

That bugle call you may have heard if you popped on my blog a bit ago was a call for retreat and regroup. It reflected my situation with the crush at the time. Recalling the troops to regroup and decide how we will handle the situation.

Alright

Later

Tyler

How many times a day do you feel like just asking him out on a date? I say take the leap life is too short.. just be safe

A few times a day. I really really want to, but im just worried about all that can go wrong vs all that can go right.

Ask me anything

From Formspirng

To my friends north of the 49th

Hello all!

I would like to stress the idea of friendship and exercise some international diplomacy here for a bit. Lets see how this goes (another 1am-er)

We all recognize our differences and most chose to find those great similarities to share and I would like to encourage more of that. We may be of different nations, feel bound to our traditions, governments, cultures, etc but in the end we are all humans living on the same continent. We both got here in the same way, fought wars to stay, bought some, took some, argued with our selves at some points even, but look at our beautiful boarder...the largest unmilitarized border in the world in fact its also the longest in the world period...8,891 km. If that doesnt scream friendship I dont know what does. I take great pride in my nation as you do yours im sure however for as much national pride that exists and even competition at times if you look upon our histories up till the current day we are essentially the same people just living under another flag. Had the United States' history not taken such a dramatic turn in the late 1700s we would be the same people...under the same monarch, perhaps even considered one nation. We could have been together however history split us apart.

When I say I love you all I mean it. You are not all only my great friends to the north but you are my brothers and sisters, as it is said on the peace arch, from the same mother.

I will admit...I am a fan of Tim Horton's, I love poutine, I have a KD Lang and Celine Dion album hidden under my bed (yeah), and you didn't think I was taking french to speak to the french did you? What else can I say about you? You are the kindest most accepting people I know and I can say this in a universal way quite comfortably. Not one canadian I have met has been anything but kind and loving and friendly. Why us Americans to the south didn't turn out quite like you I don't know.

You're all easy to talk to and just generally nice and good people all around.

You are all hard workers. Im sorry its so common for us to make fun of you. I try not to and if I do its all in good fun eh? Yet another confession I have to make is that I often use eh in my regular speech that sounds Canadian to begin with in most peoples opinions, but I dont over use it like those ass holes who like to taunt you.

Your Prime Minister poses with kittens and thats awesome! Your Governor General has a sweet heart and isn't scared to cry on tv. On top of that they have proven to be good politicians and kept Canada buoyant in turbulent waters.

You are one of the happiest countries and thats an accomplishment in its self.

You have HOCKEY!! (we have it too yeah but you have more!)

You may criticize your country as I do mine but from the outside looking in you all look like a bunch of great people!

Why dont I live with you? Idk I enjoy being American odd to some im sure but thats the way it is. I get by just fine living like you so I guess I wouldnt mind living with you, but do you really need another goon like me?

If I could visit you all I would.

Too all of you who have helped me,the Americans and Europeans too because you all deserve my love and thanks. I send all my best your way, all my heart and spirit I send along as well. You have all been the best of friends to me. We may have never met in person but one day we will.

You have taught me a lot.

In the words of my president Andrew Jackson (I think he was quoting the bible but Im sure it sounded awesome when he said it)

"I hope to see you soon, and we will talk face to face"

Tyler

Andrew Jackson also said

"My dear children, and friends, and servants, I hope and trust to meet you all in heaven, both white and black."

but I thought that was a bit to dramatic and you probably would think I was gunna off my self.

What is this?

If your sound is off turn it on. If its on you should be made aware of the devilish grin I had as I punched in the code to drive everyone crazy.

Im sure most if not all of us have been watching world cup football over the last month and I decided that it was time my blog also got excited about it. I though for a while about how I was gunna do this...should I change my picture to that one of me pretending I can play soccer? no...should I change my back ground to look like a soccer field...no. It hit me when I woke up this morning to the sound of my neighbors vuvuzela! Yeah! So enjoy the loop track lol. I guess you can mute your speakers if you

hate it that much. Ive kinda grown into it after hearing it so much. It is now an iconic sound in the

world of soccer and if I turned on the tv and didnt hear them I would prolly be confused and feel

like something was missing.

So I purposely got rid of the control face for the file so when it plays and loops you cant stop it.

It will play until the cows come home if you want it to. *evil grin*

Im having fun can you tell? Im not trying to be annoying just spirited! Like I said you can turn

your speakers off if you want to.

In other news!

I got my AP scores today! I got a 5 woop woop!

pretty stoked considering I thought I would get a 3! Then of course the 750 in the SAT subject

test is also well received. All good news I guess.

Other'n that all is good and relaxed. Nothing to be taken seriously except for AAA hockey

tryouts!! My friends are making me but even then im taking that all in stride. Its good to relax!

I feel like I finally am starting to unwind now. I love it.

Alright, gotta go out and enjoy the rest of my day now.

Talk later

Tyler

I dont know what happened to the formatting on this one. it just does this sometimes

and I dont know why.

MUSIC!

WTH is this Tyler?

I bet you were thinking that unless you are familiar with english music even then you're still confused unless of course you are familiar with bulgarian music. So yea. If you are still listening the song you hear right now is in Bulgarian. WHY? Do I need a reason? I guess so. I like the song...the bulgarian version not necessarily the english version. I like the bulgarian lyrics better. The song in bulgarian is titled светлина by Tonica the title in english means light and the song is talking about how things in the world are full of light and how they bring light to the world etc. Because I am absolutely in love at the moment and therefore capable of doing the craziest most corny yet adorable things this song happens to be one of them. let me explain. I am quite the lover/liker if I do say so my self. When I love or like it is total love (much like total war) however I dont let it interfere with my personal life. I consider this blog part of my emotional life so love may exist here. Anyway...if I say I love somebody I friggen love them. Every ounce of love that exists within me is poured out onto them. If they recognize it or not however is up to them. Sometimes I need to hold these things back...in fact all the time seeing as though I never let guys know I may like them or love them as is our situation here. I will let bits of open friendliness slip out often when I feel like im gunna explode but thats about it...dry and bitter the rest of the way. In the case of love it is hugely different and I am experiencing that now for what I think is the first time. Mostly before now its been like and not love but I do believe it has gown to the edges and may have entered the zone that is physiologically considered to be love...that or ive just had too much chocolate. Im not sure what makes this different but somehow it is. Its significantly stronger than the normal like Ive been aware of before. I ask my self "wtf are you doing?" often as I feel an uncontrollable boldness around mr crush. Ive been doing things as of late (in recent months) that I may not have done had I not been introduced to mr crush. I almost feel guilty calling him a crush because it sure doesnt feel like it.

Let me make an impromptu chart

Friendship1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-12-13-14-15-16-{17}-18-19-20love

We are where the brackets are... oddly enough 17 is my lucky number.

Why not 20? well those 3 numbers in between are where my confusion lays. Does he feel the same about me? is he even gay or has he just told me that because he can get away with it. I feel like its a game of chess and im in check and I dont have a hell of a lot of options as to where I can move.

most of you awesome people have probly experienced this before so you know exactly where this is going. (nowhere because it cant go anywhere because its the hardest thing to describe!)

I dont think I need to explain much further.

I could get into the whole melty feeling and the amazing...but no. This is me getting nothing in return mind you...aside from a few awkward hugs I know I loved but was it genuine on his part...idk.

anyway the song.

Light only because this crush of mine is the brightest light I have gotten out of the world in a long time and even though hes confusing as all hell hes still awesome.

Hes got me sure one of these days im gunna get it right even if it isnt him...however if it is I wont protest at all.

Like I said earlier. He hasn't shot me down so thats good.

We will just need to wait and see.

friends or better we will see in time.

Talk later when it isnt 2am

night

Tyler

Talking in my sleep

No not like the romantics song, but kinda like it.

I talk in my sleep, walk in my sleep, bush my teeth in my sleep. It happens every now and again mostly when im not sleeping well or stressed out or when there is a particular subject on my mind that wont go away. Last night I went to sleep and my mom was in the living room reading. Its always been a worry of mine because the vent is far too good at transmitting sound from my room into the living room. You would swear the vent is a speaker sometimes. Of course Im not in the best resting mood cuz it was like 2am and I had just got back from a fourth of July party. On top of that my moms a night owl so shes gunna stay up.

So 8 hours later I wake up, go to the dinning room where breakfast already happened and I get my plate and sit down to eat. My mum is sitting there and reading the paper. We talk about what ever is in the paper and all that and she just kinda slips in when im half way in between toast and orange juice "who is [my crushes name]? Because you were talking about him in your sleep last night"

Im pretty good at talking my self out of things and keeping from looking shocked but mind you shes my mother and somehow she knows exactly what im thinking at any given moment. The fact she was so blunt and vague at the same time is what got me. Like im thinking still even what was I saying? was I just saying his name or perhaps more lovey dovey things? idk. I was stupid and responded "who?" and that only made her say his name again. I just kinda said "idk I know a lot of [my crushes name]s" and she was just kinda like oh and went back to reading and talking about normal things. Like I said im pretty freaked out as to what I may have been saying but if shes not prodding me then thats good. She may end up telling my dad and that may end up in more aggressive and uneasy prodding. idk.

er...well anyway. Last night or just yesterday period was awesome! The crush ended up not coming to my bbq but when I went out to another party I was invited to I saw him walking up the street. I cant give him a ride legally but oh how I wanted to! I texted him and told him I saw him. I try to take any excuse I can get to start a conversation with him. He and I talked for as long as we could basically...I guess until he got distracted or I did.

I still dont know whats up with him. I just know I like him. "Asking him out" is a thing on my summer bucket list. There is french hw for the summer that we will be doing together but I wouldnt call that a date. It is spending time with him but I think im finally gunna grow a pair and invite him to see a movie and go bowling. :P

Ive gotta go and do some crazy thing now.

later

Tyler

Happy July Fourth!

WOOP WOOP! Back home! I had a good week in CO. Now im all geared up for the forth of july! WOOT! The fourth has always been my favorite holiday. BBQ, friends, awesome weather, fireworks, I honestly could live off of the awesomeness of the forth. Like if I could I would have everyone over everyday like we do on the fourth but we cant do that now can we? I enjoy being in good company, could you tell?
Why is the Queen randomly coming to haunt us? Im sure shes going to Toronto (only like a lake away from the United States) on the fourth just to errk us a bit. lol I really dont care. I love Lizzy...I mean HRH Elizabeth II Queen of England and Commonwealth Realms. I hope she sees the pride parade(s?) not necessarily because I want her to care cuz I think she may, but because I want to read a ridiculous headline somewhere that says "More than one queen in Toronto"

I think I just made fun of my people. I think I also just called gay people MY people. Progress?

Any way the 4th of july. LOVE IT! On top of everything else its a day I get to be overly patriotic more than any other day. I can make this a rant about how much I love my country and I just may. idk. My house is covered in red white and blue right now. there are all these little hand held flags I got at the 99 cent store all over the place. Normally we would go to a vacation spot for the fourth but this year we are staying at home but thats cool because there are still many awesome things that go on here. Like I said FIREWORKS! Lots of the 3 greatest colors in the world floating around. :D Friends and family too not a hell of a lot to worry about or ask for. Its fantastic. Pick up baseball is a thing too. I enjoy that because it feels even more nostalgic and awesome.

Ive invited the crush over for our bbq and hes invited me to his. Thats kinda how it happens around here. We all have our parties. Im like gunna go to like 5 tomorrow. the last is at another friend of our families so that ought to be fun. Lots of food!

So whats the situation with the crush? To be honest even I dont know. This kid is one mystery I dont think I can solve but god how I love him.
The other day we were video chatting and we get to these moments where we just cutely stare at each other and dont say a whole lot or others where we did talk. I love them both. We can chat for hours about anything him and I.

You're prolly wondering exactly what I did if you read the last post. I didnt really say or do a hell of a lot to be honest. I was just kinda like determined to tell him so I started a convo with him and just kinda poped the fact that I really really like him in there and I guess I made my point. Most people believe whatever I tell them and this was not any different. His reaction was good like I said. He took to it all well and better than I expected I guess. I think its speaking too soon to call him a potential bf but we can hope right. He still seems cool with me too so thats better. He almost seems better with me now than before interestingly enough. Like I said idk whats up so I will keep you updated. Im not sure if I just fail at recognizing things but he still remains a hard to solve puzzle. im not too into hard to solve but when I get him just right and see him or talk to him my brain forgets how confusing he is and goes into an all out bliss mode with dopamine flowing all over...ah the chemistry of love...how much more nerdy can I get?

Jesus! I might be in love...I like how even that is hard for me to come to terms with. lol. nah its not I just find it funny that I am and have no friggen clue what im doing.

Its summer now and Im a hell of a lot more relaxed seeing that its all over. got my sat world history subject test score a few days ago (while I was away). I just opened them this morning cuz ive been too freaked out to and it turns out there was nothing to be freaked out about. I got a 750! woop woop. I wonder what I would have gotten had I finished. Im just a history nut over here. Im pretty happy with that.

Alright im off to get this fourth of July moving!

I wish all Americans a great Independence Day

all Canadians a great 4 days after Canada day and the rest of the world an awesome rest of your day!

Talk later

Tyler