So it ends the worst week ever filled with the worst news ever. This worst week ever gets to be capped off with what may be the worst news of the worst news.
Im siting here crying. CRYING! Because someone died today. Someone I found to be a guiding ray of light in the world of shit and nonsense I live in. Crying for someone who wont even have a funeral because all this time this someone was never truly there. The ups and downs...the relation, the freedom, the hope provided all for a good cause but who cant help but feel cheated? Here I am thinking how amazing that someone exists who is willing to reach out and help all these people. So many people all reached individually helped forward in their own ways and I was so happy to get to be one of those people. I felt lucky to know such a person and in such a short amount of time grow fonder and closer to this person. Today a friend has died that is what has happened.
Death is final. Absolutely final and it is the finality of death that gets me. You think you will hear more later or get an update soon but that wont come. It wont even come in the afterlife because the deceased was never real to begin with. Is this a joke? I keep asking my self. Somebody tell me this is a nasty joke. The saddest part is that one of the things that kept me going in a rough spot like this was knowing I could come home and read yet another blog post that I could relate to.
Even worse I get to grieve and be sad all weekend and know one will even know why.
Im a mixed bag right now. Im shocked, sad and still crying. I cant think right now. Its to real to be fake. This kind of emotion doesn't come from nothing. The community is all we have left. The community is great but the fact I will never get to say thank you to the face of our friend is heart breaking.
A whole community is grieving right now all because their friend died.
Is this a joke? Im still in disbelief. Pissed off too.
Im sorry if im not making sense but how can I?
How can I make sense when im sitting here crying.
I know im not alone but suddenly I feel alone. Like all my faith in humanity is gone.
I feel worse knowing there are more of us though. Its like a massive family and extended family all grieving at once.
The hopelessness of this situation is ridiculous. Im pretty much back at square one. I can remember the community still exists we can help each other yes, but here I am back to the start. What was all of that worth?
I took time to make a video wishing someone who doesn't exist a happy 18th birthday.
Here I am still crying.
The ocean upon which I sail
was lit by a shinning beacon.
its guiding light
true and bright
on my empty sea.
Down it shone
and guided me
though the agony
of the choppy sea.
Today the light did not come on
nor did it the day before.
the bulb is dead
and cant be lit.
alone am I