Saturday, April 24, 2010

Death of a friend


So it ends the worst week ever filled with the worst news ever. This worst week ever gets to be capped off with what may be the worst news of the worst news.
Im siting here crying. CRYING! Because someone died today. Someone I found to be a guiding ray of light in the world of shit and nonsense I live in. Crying for someone who wont even have a funeral because all this time this someone was never truly there. The ups and downs...the relation, the freedom, the hope provided all for a good cause but who cant help but feel cheated? Here I am thinking how amazing that someone exists who is willing to reach out and help all these people. So many people all reached individually helped forward in their own ways and I was so happy to get to be one of those people. I felt lucky to know such a person and in such a short amount of time grow fonder and closer to this person. Today a friend has died that is what has happened.
Death is final. Absolutely final and it is the finality of death that gets me. You think you will hear more later or get an update soon but that wont come. It wont even come in the afterlife because the deceased was never real to begin with. Is this a joke? I keep asking my self. Somebody tell me this is a nasty joke. The saddest part is that one of the things that kept me going in a rough spot like this was knowing I could come home and read yet another blog post that I could relate to.
Even worse I get to grieve and be sad all weekend and know one will even know why.

Im a mixed bag right now. Im shocked, sad and still crying. I cant think right now. Its to real to be fake. This kind of emotion doesn't come from nothing. The community is all we have left. The community is great but the fact I will never get to say thank you to the face of our friend is heart breaking.

A whole community is grieving right now all because their friend died.

Is this a joke? Im still in disbelief. Pissed off too.

Im sorry if im not making sense but how can I?
How can I make sense when im sitting here crying.

I know im not alone but suddenly I feel alone. Like all my faith in humanity is gone.
I feel worse knowing there are more of us though. Its like a massive family and extended family all grieving at once.

The hopelessness of this situation is ridiculous. Im pretty much back at square one. I can remember the community still exists we can help each other yes, but here I am back to the start. What was all of that worth?
I took time to make a video wishing someone who doesn't exist a happy 18th birthday.

Here I am still crying.

The ocean upon which I sail
was lit by a shinning beacon.
its guiding light
true and bright
shined down
on my empty sea.

Down it shone
and guided me
though the agony
of the choppy sea.

Today the light did not come on
nor did it the day before.
the bulb is dead
and cant be lit.
alone am I
once more.

Tyler


18 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear Tyler. My thoughts and prayers are out there for who passes away. Its good your venting on here and you know you always have us to talk to. Things will get better man! Hang in there.

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  2. You're not alone dude ...you've got a multitude of friends in MN rooting for you and caring ...yea we're all pissed at the moment ...its part of the grieving process ...trust me dude ...btw I'm for real ...the sun will rise tomorrow and things for you will improve ...hold on to everything you've accomplished to date by and for yourself!

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  3. youre not alone.... i dont know who to trust anymore... i feel sick inside... i feel numb... big hug.... bigger hug.... still bigger hug...

    - peace.. david from mn

    ps im a real dude.. i really played hockey... i've got your back in cali... i am who i say i am.. promise

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  4. Plenty of us are real Brody. I still play hockey and even a few guys on my team know... there are real "Mikeys" out there and atleast the fake one brought real ones together. If you ever need anything let me know man, hit me a PM on MN and I'll give you my e-mail. I'm not willing to let all the emotion that lead to me coming out a few weeks ago (mostly prompted by MN) go down the drain. Hellogoodbye - Everything is alright :)

    -MSU DW

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  5. Tyler, I'm really sorry about this. I was as shocked as anyone, but I've had a little more time to accept the truth. But some good has come of this. The community that exists from that blog are still here, and we can still support each other. You are not alone, and you are not the only gay hockey player. Talk to others of us if you want to share your shock or grief. You can always email me.

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  6. I don't read that many blogs but I saw the title of this post in green and purple's blogroll and decided to check it.

    After reading it, I had a feeling you were referring to Mikey, so I checked his blog. Holy crap!

    It's really sickening that some people pull stunts like this. I don't buy the excuse that he didn't expect it to get so big so then couldn't stop. Why start it in the first place? To see how many people you can fool? To troll for lonely gay teens to exploit?

    The fact that he was carrying on a romance under false pretences with someone, especially a vulnerable teenager, belies the claim that he didn't mean to hurt anyone.

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  7. maybe im an idiot, nut it sounds like this kid is pissed cuz he was rejected and is gettin back at him and taking advantage of the blog. like how would mikey fake a podcast interview with ben and dave, which jimmy deleted from the page. just wait till like monday before u jump to a conclusion.

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  8. Gotta ditto what everyone else is saying here, man. We're all stunned, pissed, betrayed... Right on down the line. The message is still valid, though, even if the messenger is a creep. You aren't alone. Nothing about "him" and whatever lies can change that now -- cuz we all still came together. We're all still real. We're all still here. We've all still got your back :)

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  9. @Tommy

    I just listened to the interview on Ben and Dave's Six Pack January 18 podcast. Sounds like it might be a teenager but also could easily be an older guy. No way to be certain, since it's just audio, and audio can be messed with to make it sound higher pitched.

    Also, it seems very odd that he would consent to an interview, if he's that deep in the closet.

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  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  11. ya thats definately true. but why would he delete everything? it seems totally vindictive.

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  12. Tyler you’re definitely not alone. I grief with you cuz I’ve lost a friend too but I’ve gained so many more.

    *Hug*

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  13. hey Chief,
    I saw this through Madeline's blog... i totally get where you're coming from. This totally sucks. I'm more than angry right now, and feel so bad for all the people that douche contacted and faked support for. Because it wasn't real support, everyone who ever got an email now feels betrayed, and even worse than before. All real honest people can do is band together and make sure everyone knows they aren't alone.
    I wish there was something more someone could do.
    Take care bud

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  14. Hi Tyler:

    Over the last 45 minutes I've been between Mikey's blog, Outsports.com and checking in with other sites / blogs to see what's been going on. To say that I'm shocked and confused right now is pretty accurate. "Mikey" was a person that we all respected because he represented something that we wanted to see; a smart, caring person who excelled at sports and should be able to openly love whoever he wishes and not suffer for it. The post from Jimmy that revealed Mikey as something else was a devastating blow.

    I wish I could be there with you right now to tell you that it'll be ok, because it will be. It will hurt for a while, especially not being able to say goodbye to him in a way that would be more fitting than this. As others have mentioned, you will find people out here who are real. They're honest and open (even if anonymously) on the blogs and forums because they want to help others by sharing their stories, their feelings, their fears and advice. They want to know that there are real people out there like them who share many common characteristics but can't meet each other in person.

    I don't think that you're quite back at square one right now. It's a major setback, absolutely, but your blog has shown us more about the kind of person that you are and want to be. People are following you and what you have to say is important. Don't stop writing but do take the time to reflect.

    I started reading Mikey's blog and yours because I had hoped that I could contribute something in the ways of advice. I never played hockey when I was younger so I couldn't imagine what it must be like to do that and have to put up with the homophobic bullshit that can come with athletics. That said, if I could connect with others who may have had similar experiences and help them in some way, then it would be worth it.

    I'm glad that you recognize the value of the community that was created since late last year and I hope that you keep writing. I'm sorry for the lengthy post, but I hope what others have commented on will help you and keep you going.

    Take Care,

    Matt

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  15. Hey man. Yes this absolutely sucks, and I know how much deeper the pain must be for you. Just take care of yourself. There are still real people out there when you need them. Not everyone is an ass. Just get thru the days, and shit will start making sense again. Stay strong.

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  16. Tyler, YOU ARE THE POSITIVE IN THIS. You are the silver lining on this storm cloud. NEVER FORGET THAT.

    I'm here with you every step of the way, just take my hand whenever you need it.

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  17. Tyler,

    You're not alone unless you want to be. Some of us are fairly public/open - you can check us out if you want, look through the data, whatever. We're here, we're real, and we're not going away no matter what.

    If you need someone to talk to, to call, whatever, let us know. Heck, I put pretty much all my info in one of the threads over there.

    The point is, regardless of what gave you the initial courage, it's YOURS now to with as you see fit. Never forget that the power in your life comes from you; other people can just show you that it's there.

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  18. Hey Tyler,

    Came across your blog from Maddy's. Hang in there kiddo. Come chat in Maddy blog...there are many there.
    I know it is hard to trust again. Most of us over there are verifiable, and alot of us are just there to support you all, because we want to see you all have an easier time of it than we did going through the processes.
    Again, hang in there.

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